No it's not! -DD 4

[Mallarkey]

How can i get out of this situation. Every time i say something like 'your knicks are on back to front, she replies no it's not. 'Trousers too small' no they're not. Its so infuriating for both of us and constantly asking x2 x3 times to do something. Any advice?

[staceym11]

haha, sorry but my dd does this and shes only 17 month, i think its just a rebellion phase, try not to make to much out of it, just calmly say something like 'well you'll look silly if you go out like that!' she might then change her trousers of her own accord. dont make a big thing or shes winning.

[starlover]

agree with stacey... just don't make a big deal about it.

if her trousers are too small then get rid of them, that way she can't argue.

if she 3wants to wear her pants back to front then let her

[Mallarkey]

I've tried not giving options or re-phrasing so in stead of it's time to brush your hair- I say come and get your hair brushed.
She's started to show she's upset when she crosses her arms stamps her foot and makes a growling noise so i know she's not happy. But it seems a knee jerk reaction to a statement and it's either 'no it isn't' or 'yes it is!' So its a no win situation.

[Mallarkey]

bump

[Sparklemagic]

This is the 'no' phase and you are CERTAINLY not alone! I think the best advice I can give is the techniques I have to use with my DS (who is still Dr. No at 3 and a half).

If pants/shoes on back to front, first thing to think is "pick your battle - does it really matter???" if it does really matter, if telling him we need to change them gets a big no, I would just make a game of it, saying "Oh! Your bum has come to the front! Where's your willy?" with big theatrical faces, that sort of thing...if he is refusing to put anything on, we say the bum biter is coming (usually dh if there) and he gnashes his teeth madly while DS giggles and runs to me for something to cover his bum with!

I think just remember that at this age children live through play and games, and I always get most success if the mundane things like this can be made into a game. They seem hard-wired to be ppositional at this stage and it is simply a losing battle if you talk to them in 'do this or that' terms.
It's basically distraction - you are distracting them out of remembering that they want to say no. I prefer this way to any other as trying to impose your will on them or just asking numerous times till you get cross, is being on a hiding to nothing in my view!

[starlover]

i'd just ignore it.
don't get drawn into a verbal argument with her.... it's pointless and it's giving her the attention she wants.

if you say "it's time to brush your hair" and she says no it's not, then just do it! don't even answer her.
she'll stop doing it when she realises that it isn't getting a response

[NewLP]

My DS (4 in July) is like this too – I find that much like Sparklemagic distraction is the best form of defence against this. My DS responds very well to a challenge –so if I say, “come on, time to brush your teeth” and his response is “no it isn’t/don’t want to” or some such retort, then I bet him that I can do it first – works every time!!

[littlemisspiggy]

Hello, we get this with DS (3.5) as well. It tends to go like this;
DS: "Mummy, what's that called?"
me: "It's a *(insert whatever)"
DS: "No it's not"
Me: "Well, you tell me what it is then"
Either gives up or tells me what it is(usually some tiny variation on what I've called it).
If the issue is about doing something, I tend to offer a less attractive alternative like no more CBeebies. Works so far.

[Mallarkey]

She's still at it and its driving me mad.
This morning 'come and get your teeth cleaned' came upstairs then started moaning about socks not being right, 'Can you try to be quiet your sister is asleep in bed' - no she's not (loud)
Yes she is- she's fast asleep and tired! no she's not- Just come and get your teeth brushed,
i don't like that toothpaste, well that's all we have and if you don't clean your teeth they will get sore and painful, no they wont!!! Its so frustrating, and the considerable restraint at not smacking is making me want to cry I feel desperate

[Sparklemagic]

mallarkey, what did you think of the more playful approach? It just takes a bit of imagination from you but should lead to more fun for both of you and can distract the child so that you're not stuck in a 'no' battle all the time.

It's like this morning, you could have been spies on a secret mission to pinch the toothpaste before the sleeping lion woke up, so you have to creep to the bathroom, being really quiet, I bet I can be the quietest....I bet I can whisper more quietly than you, etc etc etc.....

Why not come at almost everything from this more lighthearted point of view - you'll all have more fun and hopefully you won't feel so desperate. I know we all have our off days and just wish kids would do things, but most of the time I take this approach with DS and it works well. There's not much that can't be turned around. With the teeth, if he's refusing, I just link it to whatever game he's been playing - eg, come on Bus Driver, you can't drive you bus with dirty teeth, your passengers will run away" and that sort of thing.

[Mallarkey]

This morning was up early well prepared and calm. The odd distraction technique does work but it doesn't matter what the task is, or how it's put she constantly wants to be first, walking upstairs then it's no it isn't etc. I think its a power-struggle thing, to be honest I'm stressed with working, studying writing a dissertation , mil diagnosis of cancer, elder son issues but its this straw DD that's breaking this camels back!

[littlemisspiggy]

I would agree with Sparklemagic's suggestion. Try to lighten the situation (easier said than done I know). Sometimes if I'm trying to get DS to go upstairs for bed/bath/teeth or whatever and he's showing no signs of shifting I'll say "I bet you can't run upstairs faster than me". It becomes a game and challenge for him then.

[Mallarkey]

But surely if i ask her in a nice way to do something she should?

I am not a child entertainer . We do have lots of fun times together and do interesting things....but the thought of this carrying on is despairing!

[Mallarkey]

bump

[Sparklemagic]

Mallarkey, you can't have it all ways. Your daughter is in this phase and people have given you suggestions THAT WORK to help. But you say you shouldn't have to do them - she should just do as you say.

But she doesn't, does she?

So if you put yourself in this corner, that's your choice.

I will remove myself now as I think what you are doing here is offloading, and that's absolutely fine, that's what MN is here for as well. You don't actually want practical suggestions - fine.

[Sparklemagic]

Sorry M - you do have lots on and I didn't mean to sound harsh. Sometimes when there are lots of stresses about if does feel impossible to do anything about anything, I do know that.

Fair do's. I'll go off and leave you to it!

[Mallarkey]

ouch !
I just thought i wouldn't be the only person in the world having problems like this. Obviously be discussing my concerns and worries would be a positive step forward. I try hard to be fair and post positive comments or help others on MN, and not just unload but was looking for help.

[MrsMaple]

Yes Mallarkey, and I think that's what Sparklemagic was offering you. Some good, if high-maintenance, suggestions on how to avoid the grim 'No' situation that you are in. You say you are not a children's entertainer - but perhaps you need to be! Perhaps DD is picking-up on all the stresses you are under at the mo, and acting up accordingly because she hasn't the maturity to fall into line and behave herself. Seeking attention etc. Why not try Sparklemajic's ideas tonight and see if it lightens the situation any?

[MrsMaple]

Yes Mallarkey, and I think that's what Sparklemagic was offering you. Some good, if high-maintenance, suggestions on how to avoid the grim 'No' situation that you are in. You say you are not a children's entertainer - but perhaps you need to be! Perhaps DD is picking-up on all the stresses you are under at the mo, and acting up accordingly because she hasn't the maturity to fall into line and behave herself. Seeking attention etc. Why not try Sparklemajic's ideas tonight and see if it lightens the situation any?

[pencil]

Mallarkey, is you dd in Nursery or school where another child could be doing this to her?
IMO it seems to be a power struggle- if she hasn't got the power then there is no battle. Every time she says 'no it isn't' or 'yes it is' just say 'of course, silly me.'then move on. She will be surprised initially but this worked for my dd.
It seems you have a lot on at the moment if things are 'getting on top of you' you might get some advice/support from outside agencies such as parent-line or your health visitor. Chin up, remember its just a phase!!

[MrsBigD]

Mallarky,
distraction is the key, and making it into a game, and most importantly (and most difficultly I find) not to give in to the frustration... dd used to go into howling attacks if e.g. I tried and put some clothes on here she deemed unfit to wear (as not pink).

re 'yes it is' 'no it's not'... I just mimicked her for a while which drove her up the wall - I'm so mean! She still does it now but as a joke... e.g. if I say 'oh you drew a lovely flower' she goes 'no it's a daffodile' so I say 'yes but a d is a flower'...'no it's not' followed by huge giggle.

Sparkles suggestions will work to some degree I'm sure.

Unfortunately toddlers and small kids don't come with a 'well behave button' no matter how much I wished for it in my dd .

Repeat after me... it's only a phase, it's only a phase.

As for cleaning teeth, being noisy when siblings asleep... it sounds so familiar. Solved the teeth problem with LazyTown!!! One of the episodes has a 20 times song and now dd cleans her teeth. Also told her that her teeth will fall out and she'll be ugly if she doesn't brush them... that worked too


sorry if I rambled on and not making much sense ... suffering from hangover :)

[mummygow]

Mallarkey I understand where you are coming from, I also kind of understand the distraction/fun issue, but she is 4 and will be going to school soon, so she should really be starting to grasp an understanding that she has to, as harsh as it sounds, do what she is told. Teachers couldn't possibly keep the playfullness up with a classroom full of 4/5 year olds who are having a constant battle of the wills.

So Mallarkey what about some kind of star chart for doing all the mundane things, make it bright and bold and put pictures to illustrate theses things and if dd does them without all the fuss she can go and put up a star under the picture.

I have a dd who is 3.9 and a ds who is 5 months and I find that explaining why these things have to happen help, for example when ds goes to sleep - if I asked her what happens when ds goes to sleep she would answer no shouting or going upstairs mummy.

All children do respond differently to differen situations but there will be one out there that best suits your dd, good luck

[Mallarkey]

Thanks pencil your right! Hadn't though of that yes dd is in full time education birthday July!
She goes to a private nursery probably a game she's been involved.
Anyway tried exactly what you suggested and it worked! The look on her face was a puzzled sort are you kidding, really face and she just got on with what she should be doing.
Thanks for your suggestions Mummygo and MrsbigD!
We already have tried a pasta jar, that worked initially but wore off! She's as bright as a button, so I'm sure there will be another phase of something to replace the old one!! Hopefully I wont have so much on, so will be able to deal with it more appropriately the next time.
Thanks to all...as Buzz Lightyear said 'to infinity and beyond!'