My 5 1/2 year old ds & friendships... why is he like this, and is it normal?

[Mandy03]

My ds is 5.8 and is in his first year at school. Has always been outgoing, boisterous & chatty, etc etc. He has two older half-brothers but they don't live with us, so in theory I guess that makes him an only child.

He's always had little friends to play with at pre-school & playgroup over the last couple of years, and he has some cousins his own age so he hasn't exactly been shielded from other kids. What I'm noticing now though, is that he seems to find a child he likes at school and then proceeds to smother them. Eg, if he really likes another boy, he then wants to sit next to that particular child EVERY day at morning tea and lunch time, gets upset if someone else sits next to that child, and just generally shows them lots of attention by wanting to be with them at every opportunity. A few times now I've noticed that he's become really good friends with someone at school, then all of a sudden a few weeks later, the friendship seems to have fizzled out and it's usually because the other child has 'cooled' towards ds. It's happened with about 3 different boys now.

I think his over-attention towards these kids and his obvious admiration for them, probably causes them to tire of it or something. It worries me that he gets upset if another child sits next to HIS friend, like the whole world depends on it. When he was younger I always thought he'd be fine socially as he's always been so outgoing, but now he seems to follow particular kids around like a puppy. He's got a stable home life but I can't help thinking that he must be insecure or something. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Could use some help... thanks.

[Mandy03]

I was just explaining to him today that people can have more than one friend, & that he can share his friends with others people. He used to play with several different kids last year and was more 'self-sufficient', but this year I've noticed that he's gone through this with a few different kids. He's very enthusiastic and maybe he's just a bit too 'in your face' for some kids. He still loves going to school but he seems to be a bit sad over the friendship thing some days. I'm not sure how to help him except to talk to him about it - but I'm not a 5 year old and I'm not exactly sure what he's doing wrong. He just seems to 'cling' to certain children and wants them all to himself.

No he doesn't get so involved with other things in his life grumpyfrumpy, he's generally pretty laid back in other ways. He just loves other kids & maybe he just REALLY wants their friendship, which can have the opposite effect sometimes can't it. Oh, and I asked his teacher the other day and she can't see any problems with him socially, so that wasn't really much help. :(

[Twiglett]

what does the teacher say?

[snowleopard]

I think at nearly 6 he probably could understand the concept of it being possible to be "too friendly" and that it can put people off if you want to be with them all the time. Could you explain that to him very gently?

[Mandy03]

Teacher doesn't see any problems Twiglett, other than he's quite a sensitive/caring child. He's also a good student, ie. he's learning quickly and is getting good results already so I'm not concerned about that side of it.

I also do the playdate thing, grumpyfrumpy, but even though he'll play with a child at home, he doesn't necessarily play with that child at school. Maybe it is a case of letting him find his own way, but it's a bit painful for me too!

[Mandy03]

I think I'll have to explain it to him snowleopard, I just hope it doesn't make him feel bad about himself. But it's better that he learns I suppose :(

[Mandy03]

Thanks for the responses, but - just wondering if anyone else has experienced this?!

I'm trying to get an idea of whether it's common with other children or not and how other people have dealt with it. Thanks

[robinpud]

I think grumpyfrumpy's first post is really relevant and will need reinforcing. Some children really want 1 special friend and others don't. Could you perhaps be brave and have 2 friends at a time back to play and encourage them to play together so that he can see how it works? I tend to casually fling some of ds's toys over the floor before he gets home so that as soon as he and friend arrive there is something there to interest them together. Get the kids picked up early though!

[Dozy123]

I had exactly the same behaviour with my dd when she started school at 4 years 9 months. She would pick someone she wanted to friends with and was 'all over them like a rash' causing people to back off. I felt desparately sorry for her and was worried that she would never have true friends. Like your ds, she was doing well academically at school.
My dd was always very outgoing and at the time was an only child. She had spent a lot of her young life mixing with adults, although she had been at nursery from 7 months. I felt that the problem stemmed from being very secure and happy at nursery, well liked and with lots of friend she had grown up with - going to a school where she knew no one. The school had a nursery which she didn't go to, but lots of the other children had and there were already friendship groups.
I just think it was a shock to go from being the centre of a social circle to the edge for her, and it was her way of trying to get in.
We had a few other issues shortly after this started (death of grandma and new baby) which seemed to exacerbate (but not cause) the behaiviour.
The behaviour extended to her being quite physical with people who she wanted to be a friend - over enthusiastic hugging etc - and was brought up by her teacher at parents' evening as an issue.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, the areed action between home and school was that she got some jobs at school (register monitor or something) and was given areas of specific responsibility at home - I think to give her a sense of worth, whilst reiterating to her how to behave with people.
In the end, she just sort of grew out of it, having met a friend who did really want to be her friend, without any contrived playdates etc. She is now in year 2 and has a small group of friends - about 4 or 5 - who now are ususally always in favour.
I hope some of this helps as I can remember how desparate I felt, but I would make an appointment to speak to his teacher again, to see if they can help.
Good luck.

[Mandy03]

Hi Dozy

Thanks so much for your post. It helps to know that someone else has been there.

One good thing about his school is that when the kids start Year One, they are given little jobs to do on a rotating roster eg. so far ds has been a classroom helper, a 'line leader' and a school lunch monitor. He loves being given these jobs to do, and I know it does make him feel quite important :) Also his teacher is lovely and I know she always praises him a lot for the good work he does at school, so in that regard I think it's been good for him. But perhaps you're right in the sense that he's gone from a secure little pre-school group to a big school where there are a lot more kids. He did know quite a few of the kids from his pre-school class already, but now there are four Year One classes at school and he's trying to get to know a whole group of new kids. Like your dd, he's always been very open and affectionate and while some kids are ok with this, others probably find it a bit too much (particularly boys!). I have noticed lately though that he's becoming a bit more reserved when he sees his friends, which is good because he used to be all over them and in their face, so I do think he's slowly learning.

He does have a couple of little jobs to do at home too but it's not much, so I could probably get him to help out with more things. We might try that and see if it helps him gain more confidence. It may just be that he will get better with this as he gets older (like your dd) and will settle into a more stable group of friends as time goes on. It's a bit painful at the time but I guess kids learn from their peers what's acceptable and what's not in terms of behaviour, don't they. To me he's just so lovely (of course!!), the other day he helped a child who was hurt and yesterday he shared his food with another boy who didn't have any, so I know he's got a good heart. Raising kids can quite a painful thing for we parents, can't it! :(

[Dozy123]

Doesn't it help sometimes to know you're not the only one!
I know how painful it can be, but I am sure you will look back on this as just part of growing up for your ds.
:o