AAAARGH!!! Last Resort - Name & Shame? Bad Idea?

[workathomemother]

WHY don't my kids learn!

On the whole they are really good, but they repeatedly do the same things!

1. Washing powder all over the floor, in the cat litter etc Reasons they give: its snowing or helping mummy.
   
   
2. Stripping beds down and removing the mattress (?!?!?!?). They even removed the wooden slats one day, telling me it was 'team work'!!! Reasons they give: none, except teamwork ffs.
   
   I have told them time and time again, not to do these things yet it just doesn't 'go in' - why?!
   
   I have put locks on the washing room door, but they get chairs and undo them; I have sat them down and told them how sad it makes me feel; I make them clean up the mess (but they think they're helping mum and like it); I have shouted and ranted; I repeatedly try to be stern and tell them 'im not happy with you because x'....yet still they do it. Why doesn't it go in. What do I have to do???
   
   So now, I'm thinking of printing off pictures of what they have done, putting them up around the house and also showing their dad, teacher and childminder to try and 'shame' them into stopping. But, is this a good idea or not? What do mums think?

[rumtumtigger]

good idea, very creative

[workathomemother]

by the way, they are nearly 3 and 4. Its the 2 year old that is the ring leader.

[getbakainyourjimjams]

They sound like they need more supervision to stop it happening in the first place tbh- how old are they? DS1 does all these things if left unsupervised. I know you can't supervise children 100% of the time, but if they're causing this much chaos then maybe you need to spend a short period of time supervising their every move. . You need barrel locks with keys that can be removed if you doors can take them if they're opening bolts (or padlocks and hinges).

[Flamesparrow]

No suggestions, but I have to say, I love the "teamwork" reason!

[tracyk]

Agree with more supervision being necessary. It must take them a good 10 mins to do this much damage - my ds would never be left alone that long!
Why don't you buy washing tabs or do they work out more expensive. Put the washing powder up high?

[WideWebWitch]

I agree, mine wouldn't be able to do this because I would be watching them and they wouldn't get away with it. Sorry, but if you let them go off on their own for long ish periods they will cause havoc imo and e. It sounds like there's a bit of attention seeking there too.

[workathomemother]

This happened this morning while I was in the shower - they do not need that long to do it believe me!

The washing powder can't be put up high because its in those mega big packs (to save money).

And really, I want them to learn NOT to do it, not just that they 'can't' do it because can't get to it.

[suzywong]

yes I have to agree, if they have time to pull a matress and slats off a bed then they are on there own for too long. Once is understandable but repeatedly means they need keeping an eye on

Sorry to be harsh but you did ask

[suzywong]

Ok then, that's fair enough

My advice is go stony stony silent and withdraw eyecontact and attention as you clear up determinedly . Little kids hate that and when they ask you why you aren't even looking at them you can tell them. A bit of head*k and a bit childish one may thing but believe me it works.

[rummum]

when my kids were small we had a stairgate on the kitchen door and one on the top of the stairs as well, so I always knew where they were! (not that we have a mansion and I could loose them) [I wish emoicon]

my friend was moaning that her 1 year old kept eating food out of the bin... yuk... and she couldn't think of how to stop him...

[getbakainyourjimjams]

Shower before they get up. I'm being serious. DS1 is severely autistic and can quite easily spread washing up liquid through they entire house in the time it takes me to shower (or empty salt everywhere at the moment- seems to be a favourite- yesterday whilst I was changing ds3's nappy).

I've learned with him that the only way to stop these things is to supervise so they don't happen. If I don't supervise and they do happen there's not much I can do (and I often don't supervise 100% of the time, but I'm always cleaning up stuff like this as well). I wouldn't put their picture everywhere think they're too young to get it. Just give time out and as much attention as possible.

[workathomemother]

lol i tried the stairgate thing but the chairs just come out and they climb over. They are very resourceful for their age, which I am proud of, but its just these two issues I want to curb.

so now im feeling like im a bad mother - I am very strict with my time - I work when I work but when my kids are here I am a 'mum' - I do everything I can in 'my' time to make sure our time with them is just 'us' time, to do good things not clean up etc.

Yes, I leave them 'playing', while I'm getting on with tea or putting the washing out etc, because generally they play very well.

And its not like im sat on my backside watching telly because we don't even have one! I prefer to spend our time reading, playing and learning, or stripping beds.

I want advice on how to make them LEARN 'no' means no.

[suzywong]

sorry we don't have magic wands, with kids under 5 there is always a supervisory element required if you want to prevent repeated patterns of behaviour, even if that element means putting the forbidden out of reach or taking a chance and being prepared to live with the consequences if need to shower when they are able to get to a forbidden place

ANd I'm no angel, I've just hurt my throat through yelling at my 2 year old after he threw the third cracker he'd chosed from the jar on the floor - but that was my fault for letting him choose and not just presenting it on a plate at the table IYSWIM.

[tracyk]

I also agree with the ignoring. ds has a habit of throwing/dropping whatever he is playing with to move onto something else. If he ignores me when I ask him to pick it up - I ignore him - I sit with my arms folded and won't talk to him. He tries all his cute tricks eg kissing and cuddling mummy - but I ignore him and repeat mantra 'I'm not talking to you till you pick up x'. He will pick it up eventually and then gets lots of hugs but I do hope he gets the not throwing in the first place soon.

[getbakainyourjimjams]

I'm not saying you're a bad mother. I'm just giving you my experience of living with a child who can trash the place in 5 minutes. Already this morning ds1 has been up on his playhouse roof peering in our first floor window (and my friend's dd was found hanging- literally hanging by her fingertips- out of a bedroom window at the weekend _ I'm not in the habit of judging, nor am I any posiiton to! ) And as I type this (not supervising) something is crashing down the stairs, so I'll be quick and turn the computer off. I'm just saying the only way I've found to teach not trashing is to supervise. DS1 can't talk (he;s almost 7) so obviously the opportunities for teaching after the even are limited, but I bet that its the same for normally developing children- easier to teach before the even, rather than after the damage is done.

Stuff gets trashed all the time, I've just come to the conclusion that there's not much I can do about it once its happened.

[getbakainyourjimjams]

actually think suzywong has got it- because I can't supervise all the time - I focus on the repeated behaviours and do my best to supervise that. So when ds1 was weeing on the floor repeatedly I sussed out the times it was likely to happen (first thing in the morning, arriving home from school, after finishing tea) and made him go to the toilet. Don't try and stop it all- focus on the big problem behaviours to begin with.

[workathomemother]

Hi, its ok, I'm not meaning anyone in particular about making me feel a bad mother, its a sore point because I'm a single parent and often feel I have to justify myself in many ways.

Just had another 'do' with their dad too - he wants to bring them back early tomorrow and he doesn't see its the only time I have to go see my solicitor etc etc Fed up with it all.

I try to do my best but it always backfires :(

[saadia]

I can see both sides of the debate here. Last week while I was in the kitchen (we have open plan downstairs - kitchen connected to dining area and living room) the dss (4 and 2) managed to get water and handsoap all over ds2's hair, even though I was close by the whole time. I can't watch them the whole time, but OTOH I wouldn't take a shower while they were unsupervised.

I know you asked for ways to stop this happening. Have you tried time out or the naughty step? Sometimes kids do this kind of thing out of boredom, could you get them involved in the housework and cooking as a means of distracton?

If they are resourceful and inquiring then I reckon they will keep "exploring" but I have found with my two that they are at their most disruptive when hungry, tired or bored.

[saadia]

sorry didn't realise you were a single mum - I guess you have to leave them while you shower. Could you perhaps give them something specific to do in that time - draw a particular picture or make something with playdo.

[tracyk]

what about sticker chart/pasta jar and get them competing to see who can get the most by the end of the day for good behaviour and least deductions for bad behaviour?
But tbh - looking at it from their perspective it must be great fun and not actually harming themselves - I wouldn't be too mad with them - they could be doing a LOT worse! Make sure you aren't taking out your frustrations with their dad on them - looking in from the outside - they sound v. cute!

[singersgirl]

When they were smaller, if I was on my own (DH away) I would always bath or shower at night before I went to bed. I prefer to wash in the morning, but I felt I was clean enough to get on with the day. I know you can't watch them all the time - you have to go to the loo and stuff - but that was just the way I minimised problems.

[tracyk]

could you have a bath with them in the morning? I sometimes bring ds into the shower with me if he's wandering around rather than watching tv - but you'd need a pretty big shower cubicle to fit 3!

[Notquitesotiredmum]

Your kids sound brilliant, creative and lots of fun - and you sound pretty on top of things too. It's a valid question, how to teach stuff. You could try the naughty step, but it sounds as if you don't really think that this stuff is naughty - just tiring to clear up afterwards. Make them help you clear up, and so what if they think it is fun?! That's a brilliant attitude to have - I can have fun making a mess and have fun clearing it up. No harm done.

BTW> my ds2 is 2.7 and I take him to the bathroom with me if I need to shower. If he's bored, I stick him in the bath with me. It's quicker to dry him than to clear up the chaos he would cause unsupervised.

[getbakainyourjimjams]

Supervision is always a problem when you have more than one. Today I left the 3 boys alone for 5-10 minutes whilst I got some stuff ready as I had to go out in half an hour, and came into the front room to find ds1 (off school because of the strike so bored stiff) trying to poo on the sofa! All due to lack of supervision.

I think you can try and use time out etc after the event, but I really don't think it's that effective (from experience) so not worth getting too het up about. If something awful is being done repeatedly focus on that, and set out very clear rules ie "if you do x then y happens" beforehand, then follow through. That approach does seem to work quite well with ds2 (obviouly can;t use it on ds1 and ds3 is too young).