Educational Psychologist ......

[tron]

DS parents evening yesterday and the teacher and head teacher said they wanted my permission to ask the educational psychologist to come and he DS. He is only just 4 and in nursery. He can count to 100, can tell the time on both 12 hour and 24 hour clocks and knows all his alphabet etcwhich they said was way above what is expected at his age but his social skills seem to lag behind. He can't seem to control his temper or just barges in and wrecks other childrens models and games and is always winding up the other children in his class. Sometimes pushing and hitting, one time he even pulled his teachers hair. Does anyone know what the psychologist will say/do and whether he really sounds like he's got something wrong with him. I don't want him to be the kid no one wants to play with (apparently at the moment he's actually quite popular) or the other parents tell their kids to stay away from. DH just says it's just the way he is and he'll soon grow out of it and that all kids are different - i just sit here crying thinking i've don something wrong and it's all my fault!

[footiemad]

sorry your going through this tron!
I can't really help on the psychology bit, but can sympathise with you, my son is in yr 2 and v. intelligent, he gets bored v.easily & gets told off quite a bit.
I helped in the mothers day room this morning and 2 kids delighted in telling me that ds was being sent to the head! now i'm worrying all afternoon till he comes out!!
Hope you get some answers.

[DumbledoresGirl]

He sounds extremely bright and extremely frustrated to me - maybe not being stimulated enough. I wouldn't worry that there is anything wrong with him as such, although friendships might be hard for him, unfortunately. My ds2 is very bright and, after a great start socially, now finds it very hard to find anyone he bonds with intellectually.

I would say lucky you that you are having an ed pysch to look at your son as that might mean hs needs are better understood and met. My son, not being the disruptive sort, is just left to wallow.

[Bink]

You have definitely got an unusual boy, with those abilities! It is so difficult with a just 4yo for anyone to tell whether he has any deep down problems, so I think that will be why the nursery's suggesting an educational psychologist - to see what an experienced person thinks. (You may find, as we did, that the ed psych says something less than helpful along the lines of very bright children are always going to be a bit unusual.)

Does he have problems at home as well as school? Or do they only show up at school?

[tron]

Hi Bink - one to one there's not usually a problem and with certain friends there's no problem. It's mostly comes out at nursery. Even when we go to soft play etc he's fine

[tron]

hi dumbledores girl, I suppose I never looked at it as being a good thing - it was just horrible hearing someone say that he may have a problem.

[DumbledoresGirl]

I guessed you weren't seeing it in a positive light which is why I tried to make you see the other side of the coin. I seriously think you should try to see it my way and be glad that he si getting acknowledgement of who he is (I don't see him as having a problem and you shouldn't either.)

[footiemad]

Dg, I think your right, I tend to get annoyed with ds teacher for not keeping him occupied enough,(sorry teachers i know it's a hard job). I don't see him as having a problem as such. Just at a loss as to how to get him to control his behaviour when he is bored.

[Bink]

Well - if his problems aren't showing up in other situations then (speaking just as another mum, of course & without knowing your ds) I would probably agree with your dh - except that I'm not so sure your ds will grow out of it "soon" - it may take a while, you might have to be prepared for that.

I do agree that seeing an ed psych may well be a helpful & positive step & he or she may even help your ds be able to explain why he behaves as he does. If he is finding school frustrating he might well like having someone to talk to about it.

[Piffle]

I think you should take this a positive action, your ds may well be needing more stimulation and if there is an assoaciated behaviour issue, through boredom or any other way, an EP is an ideal person to evaluate levels and challenges
Good luck

[mrspitt]

Oh Tron it is soooo similar to my situation. Ds is also 4 and we saw the educational psch a few weeks ago. Prior to this she was in the nursery to observe him and his behaviour.
For ds it is also his social skills eg. hitting pushing etc but he is very bright and has no problems developmentally, eg he's doing what he should be for his age except for this.

The ed psch is really there to support you and she also came out for a home visit. My worries were like you about him being friendless or a bully esp since he goes to school this year. If they are looking to give help then take it because i know so many people who struggle to get help.
It doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong and don't worry too much.I also think that boys are rather immature at this age and he may be finding it difficult to express himself. Does he have any speech or hearing problems? This can make them very frustrated. I agree with you dh in that all kids are different and some aspects of their personality you just have to accept, whether you like it or not!
I am more than sure you are doing nothing wrong. Hope it all goes well.

[tron]

Hi Mrs pitt, he didn't talk til quite late but now he doesn't stop - he'll talk to anyone and everyone. He's had his hearing checked quite a few times but they never find any problem there - i wondered about his hearing too. I can't help but worry about him though.

What did the ed psych suggest about your DS?

[Sparklemagic]

Yes Tron please don't worry, and I think you should try to use the Ed Psych and really get them to be useful in making suggestions of how to help him socially.

And please please don't get drawn into thinking there is something wrong with your child, he's obviously very bright - I think WHEN it matters to him about friends, which it probably will within a year ot two, he will apply his good brain to learning how to make good friends and I'm sure he'll do it well! It just doesn't matter to him at the moment, that's all.

It's all about accepting your son exactly how he is and trying to get the system to fit him, NOT the other way round! I'm not saying he should be allowed to hit or whatever, but as long as he is getting some guidance on what is acceptable that's fine.

Don't feel the Ed Psych is a judgement that there is something wrong with your son - they are there as a tool to help you and him and the school, not to make you feel you've failed.

This really struck a chord with me when I saw the thread title as I had a conversation with my brother today (who is V. intelligent and makes his living as a writer) and he told me he absolutely hated school because of the lack of liberty, and being made to do things. Some boys are like this, quite often the intelligent ones. It sounds like your lovely boy just needs time to learn to care about the social stuff. Very best of luck.

[mrspitt]

Hi Tron
Well ds has a "communication" problem as they put it. He does have speech difficulties which he sees a speech therapist for but not often enough IMO, through his nursery.
I asked my HV for his hearing to be checked and his is ok apparently but he problems pronouncing vowels sound esp E, which doesn't help when his name has 2 in it. If i'm honest i didn't find her a GREAT help but she did assure me that after observing him in nursery and he was having a GOOD DAY!! that he was quite "normal". She did ask what methods we had used in the past that worked to control his behaviour but i thought, well if it worked i wouldn't be here with you!!
However we are using sticker charts for "keeping your hands to yourself" and " putting feet on the floor" . She said not to say "don't hit" because that puts the idea in their head so to make it positive instead, not always easy

He now gets a sticker for a good morning in nursery, meaning no hitting or pushing which he so far seems to quite like. She said though that it also takes some a lot longer to make the connection between action and consequences. HTH

[mrspitt]

Sorry must also add that i totally under stand how you are feeling because i have been reduced to tears at times but dd1 is now 2.2 and her speech is great and behaviour is great so i know its not me as a parent. So it won't be you either.

[tron]

thanks mrs pitt & sparklemagic you are making me feel a bit better about all this - i just want it over with now and not have to wait - they said it would be about 6 weeks. I don't know any one else who has had this - i'm on my 4th HV (who I haven't even met yet) cos they all keep moving away or retiring. You're right though i should try and just see it as an oportunity to see how I can help him rather than how I have failed.
Fingers crossed baby 2 (due in 6 weeks) is a bit more chilled!

[Sparklemagic]

also Tron don't forget - it's the SYSTEM, not your child. We are pretty much alone in this country sending our kids to school at four, which I think is too young. Don't forget that it's the system doing this to you and your DS, I bet if we started at six years old instead he'd have already sorted the social side of things and this would be a non-issue!

Never blame yourself, just see how people can help. And remember he's only FOUR!

[Sparklemagic]

oops, meant to say - look at my family, my bro hated school as I've said, but I loved it. And we came from the same, loving supportive home but both just had our own ways of doing things. That's the thing with kids, they will have their own personalities and with your DS I hope they can find a way of helping him with his socialising but without squashing him for the sake of fitting into the system.

And there's a good chance baby no:2 will be completely different, me and my bro were and my mum didn't bring us up any differently!

[tron]

thanks sparkle magic. thinking about it my and my bro and sis were all very different - i was quiet and found school quite easy, my older sis worked really hard but was always what the other kids called 'wierd' (she wore wierd clothes with doc martins when they weren't fashionable) and she didn't have many friends. My younger bro was really popular but was a fighter and mitched off and never got on with the teachers etc. All 3 of us had the same parents so i suppose you are right - this is just a hurdle ds needs to get over. The form for the pych came through and I've handed it in - I guess we've got nothing to lose and everything to gain!