Desperately need positive stories of nurseries!

[RachelG]

Hello

I'm going back to work part-time in 8 weeks, when my son will be 8 months old. He's booked into nursery 2 mornings/week, and Grandma will look after him for 2 full days also.

I just saw a childcare expert (Steve Biddulph I think) on breakfast TV, talking about nurseries etc. Apparently all the latest research suggests that one-to-one care is much better for children up to the age of about 2, and definitely for the under-1s. It's all to do with how much love they get, makes their brains grow apparently - and even the best nurseries can't provide that level of attention.

I chose nursery over childminder for a few reasons - problem if childminder "off sick", worry that childminder might not treat my son as I would like etc - and also there's a lovely small nursery a couple of minutes from my work.

But now I'm feeling terrible, have a made a big mistake? Can anyone tell me happy nursery stories, and well-adjusted children who went to nursery from an early age?

Thanks
Rachel

[acnebride]

Haven't got specific experiences for you but it does sound like your ds will be in nursery for not many hours - if it's Mr Biddulph's views that worry you, as far as I remember the number of hours makes a big difference according to him.

[honeyflower]

Hi Rachel. I don't know about Steve Biddulph's position - I have given up following the debate in the press about childcare, it mostly seems designed to make mothers feel bad (and I say mothers deliberately, fathers get let off the hook IMO). But I can give you a positive story from personal experience.

Both my children started nursery at about 6 months, and have both flourished in a very loving, warm setting where they have had very consistently affectionate care from a stable team of highly trained caregivers. They have both turned into confident, happy, bright, loving children. We have no doubt that that nursery has been really good for them in every way.

I hope your son thrives too, and that your return to work goes well.

[Cristina7]

Hi Rachel - there was a thread on here not long ago about Steve Biddulph and the latest book & theory he's promoting.

My son attended nursery from the age of 9 months, a combination of full-time, part-time, me and grandparents. He's 6 now and very loving, sweet and confident. We have a very good relationship. He's also deaf and wears hearing aids. He's a real chatterbox and does very well indeed with his speech - that was my main worry at the time that he wouldn't get enough attention in a nursery to develop his speech.

[tiredemma]

hi rachel,

i can only comment on my own children- both of my boys were in full time nursery - ds1 from 6 weeks and ds2 from 14 weeks old. For us as a family, it has done no harm- both of my boys are advanced for their ages, both are extremely confident and have been showered with love from the nursery staff since day one. I could go one really about how they have benefitted from being at nursery, I have no negative stories, absolutley none at all.

and tbh, stories from people such as steve biddulph make me yawn. they used to make me feel angry for trying to make me, as a working mother, feel guilty. but now they bore me, i can see first hand how well adjusted my children are, they dont hang off my ankles when leaving them at nursery- most days they dont want to leave and some weekends at home they have asked to go to nursery because im "too boring"!!!

[NikkiH]

Hi Rachel

I too chose nursery for my two sons rather than a childminder for similar reasons to you. They both went to nursery three days a week from about 5 months old and I think it did them a lot of good. They are both happy, confident and outgoing boys who have no problem with mixing with other children and making friends in new environments. The nursery has been excellent in telling us about their days, keeping note of their progress etc and outstanding in catering for my eldest ds's special diet (he is gluten intolerant). The nursery also hasn't had a high turnover of staff which has meant both boys being cared for by the same people despite there being three years between them which has helped with the family's relationship with the nursery.

Try not to take too much notice of what the 'experts' say - over time they seem to contradict themselves so what's scorned today is likely to be applauded tomorrow in my view!

[Marina]

Both of mine, including a boy, have been full-time at nursery since they were five months old, for unavoidable financial reasons (joint breadwinner).
They have done just fine. Both of them happy, sociable, caring children. No-one can say whether my two would be the same, "better", or "worse" socially or developmentally if they had been at home with me all of the time or some of it, but I can assure you that nursery has not traumatised them and brought many benefits (such as the chance to do really messy play on a regular basis!).
Your son knows who loves him and has a growing understanding at this age that the love is there even when you are not. Presumably he already has a close and loving relationship with grandma?
Please try not to worry about the love and the brain development aspects. Don't let any research, however mis-reported, make you think for a nanosecond that children in good quality daycare get less love. Baby Units in good nurseries ensure their little guests get plenty of cuddles, certainly in my experience.
Dd is now two and in what to my eyes, seems an occasionally chaotic toddler room. But she is talking well and everything she tells us tells me that she gets lots of cuddles and "hogs" even now. She is clearly happy and secure there.

[littlemisspiggy]

Hi. My son has been to nursery either on full time or part time (2 days/wk) since he was about 11 mths old and he has always loved it. As someone else said they get to do a variety of activities and messy play and generally learn to interact with other children of their own age. You and your family provide the one on one attention and the nursery provides the social life.
One of my neighbours who is a v. experienced nanny once commented (at a street party)when DS was 2 1/2 how at ease he was around people and other children when many children she had come across at that age were quite clingy.
Don't worry you haven't made the wrong decision. I think you've got a good balance.

[moondog]

Sorry you're feeling bad Rach.
My dd went to a wonderfull nursery f/t for three years and was very very happy there. I couldn't fault a thing.
My ds now attends the same place 2 days a week (I don't work but dh away so need a break) and he loves it.Eyes light up when we drive in.
His big sister also loves coming in to collect him to see everyone and relive happy memories.

[blueshoes]

rachelG, my dd started nursery at 11 months with much the same hours, combined with grandma care. She was exclusively bf-ed, clingy, the last child I thought would settle into nursery. But she did, to my utter amazement! And I kept increasingly her hours until she was comfortably fulltime by 18 months.

She is now 2.5 years, absolutely cuddly, lovely, a character and a half.

I wouldn't say she doesn't have her off days (who doesn't) at nursery when she cries at drop-off, but she settles within minutes of my leaving. I do think it is harder on the parents than the little ones - it is such a wrench when they are little. But our children are so adaptable. Also, nothing is set in stone. If you don't feel your ds is settling well, you can always reconsider.

So-called experts like Steve Biddulph do not make it easier. As other posters have pointed out, there are whole threads debating this issue. It is by no means as black and white as SB would like you to believe. And I don't believe him for an instant that what he says goes in all cases.

In my dd's case, she is a completely different child in nursery, than when she is at home. She follows instructions, she eats well, she naps well, she plays independently and with other children. It has really been the making of her.

[aprilmeadow]

My ds goes to nursery 3.5 days per week and has done since 5mths old (is 10.5mths now). I love and more importantly he loves the nursery. He gets so much attention and is a really happy little boy, who is quite advance for his age.

Dont feel bad about leaving him to go back to work, as he will thank you when he is older that he was able to have the best possible up bringing. For me it was a case of dont work and be skint until he goes to school or go to work and not have to worry so much about money.

[west3]

Hi Rachel, I have only had positive experiences of nurseries. Dd started at about 13 weeks and stayed right up until she started school on a mixture of ft and pt basis. She is a confident, happy, well adjusted little girl who is at ease in most company - adult, older children, same age children and babies. Nursery gave her the opportunity to enjoy a multitude of activities that I would never have thought of. My rule of thumb was that if she came home with paint between her toes, flour in her hair or cake mix behind her ears she had enjoyed herself. I am now a sahm and considering putting ds to the local nursery one or two days a week, so he gets the same benefits and experiences.

[dublindee]

Hi Rachel,

My son started in a fantastic nursery when he was 6mths old 3 days a week when I returned to work on reduced hours. He is a well adjusted, sociable, contented and happy baby. The staff to child ratio is fantastic and the amount of different activities he takes part in is jaw-dropping. He gets to play with other babies his age, gets to do lots of fun things I'd never do with him (6month old painting? Don't think so - yet he's now Just gone one and a regular little Pablo Picasso!!!) and I truly believe he'd miss his few days if he stopped going now! Every baby is different, everyone's circumstances are different. Go with what's best for your family.

All the best for the future.

[katyp]

My dd went fulltime from the age of 6 months until she started school. It was a small family-run nursery and she regarded it as a second home (once collected her as one of the staff was leaving for the day and she said "Is L going to work now?"). She cried on her last day as she was so sad to leave...

Like you I chose a nursery because I had no family nearby and would have no back-up if a childminder was sick. Also was not comfortable leaving her with one person where there was no one else present - how would I know how she was being treated? (No offence to any childminders, just the paranoia of a first time mum!) I felt that at least in a nursery there would be more staff keeping an eye on each other. Also preferred a nursery as I felt the carers would be giving the children their whole attention - worried that a childminder might be trying to get housework done as well.

My dd had heaps of stimulating activities every day (I think she found the weekends with us a bit boring!) and is a bright confident child. But like everything else, it will depend on the nursery and the child. Know someone whose dd was perfectly happy at nursery but whose ds never settled properly (in the same place)

[rarrie]

Hi.

I chose nursery for my DD to go two mornings and like you spend the rest of the time at her grans. For me, it has been a great compromise. She loves going and is a very confident child with all sorts of people. She was at a playdate the other week, and an older man came in - most children were timid / scared of him, but within 5 mins, she was sat on his lap, chatting away happy as larry! Although she is oly two, she loves playing with other children in a very limited way - Lots of people have told me that you can tell she goes to nursery because she is so social- Her favourite game is "runaway" or chase and she will happily go up to any other child at (usually older) and say 'little girl, play runaway?' and then proceeds to run round soft play holding their hand for the next half hour! She is also very confident with older children and knows how to handle herself. Again, a few weeks ago a much older boy (aboout 5/6) was preventing the little children from climbing the stairs. Some children cried, but when he led on the bottom step to prevent her from climbing up, she just stood on his head and climbed over him! For 2 years old, she is very self assurred in mixing with different children of different ages, and I really put that down to her nursery experience.

Secondly, they have really bought her on. They have taught her to use scissors, count, sing nursery rhymes and they give her a whole range of experiences that she might not otherwise have. They are able to set up 'big events' that would be difficult to do in a home environment (like a bouncy castle type obstacle course). She is always doing things there and often comes home full of beans... sometimes she even runs away from me as she does not want to come home!

She has a very secure relationship with her workers, where there is a low turnover and she is happy to go to them if she has any problems and they have really encouraged her on - to do different things, have different experiences etc. For her, they've not just looked after her two/ three mornings a week, but they have made that time a fun time she looks forward too.

I chose a nursery because I felt that a childminder would only offer more of the same experience that she would get from the days she spends at my mum's, whereas the nursery offers a new experience that totally compliments her time with my mum. I am totally 100% happy with my decision and know it has been the making of her!
HTH

[ananyamum]

hello rachel!
my dd has been in nursery full time since she was 6.5 m (now 8m). she has settled well they tell me, and didnt take long to do so. she frequently comes home with splatter paintings, hand and foot prints, and even 'made' her dad and me a valentines card last month!! she does a lot of things there that i couldnt at home, and already i have noticed that she plays by herself happily for longer and also now sleeps by herself too! i was really upset initially but i have realised now that she is happy in the nursery and i am working to keep up my skills and earn money so that she can a have a more secure future. so dont listen to the experts, i am sure your son will do great! good luck!

[eidsvold]

my dd1 was in nursery - aged 1 - 2yo for a year just prior to us coming back to Australia and it was brilliant. She attended full time - from when it opened til about 4 - 5 pm in the afternoon.

The staff were fabulous - very professional, caring, kind, generous and I could go on....

The interaction with the children was fabulous.

Dd1 has down syndrome and she was put in with her peers and had the best time.

The nursery were sooo fabulous that I bawled like anything on dd1's last day. We are still in touch with her assigned carer - who wrote us a beautiful letter telling us how much she loved caring for dd1.

There was nothing that was too much trouble for them. They also had another child with sn and the kindy were fab about adapting anything to meet the children's needs - that is any child's needs.

Unfortunately NOT all nurseries will be like that. I went to visit another one to consider whether to send dd1 there and within two seconds almost ( well not quite but very quickly) I knew there was no way she would be going there..... the carers seemed so young and I got the impression very little would be done to meet dd1's needs... DESPITE the nursery making a big deal about it being a nursery for children with sn.....

Go by gut reaction - how did you feel when you visited the nursery.... were they open and welcoming when you went to see them.

Dd1 had no problem settling in and in fact was quite happy for us to go - by the same token was still very excited to see us in the afternoon. She just bloomed being there - dd1 is such a little social butterfly anyway and loves being with other people and a variety of people.... nursery was fab for her.

[ProfessorGrammaticus]

My two went to nursery three days a week and it was an entirely positive experience for them and for us. However, the nursery that we chose was very expensive and very good. We looked at plenty of others at which I would never ever have left a child of mine. It was well worth the money. I agree - go by your gut instinct and ignore Steve bloody Biddulph.

[wilbur]

We are another family who benefitted hugely from a delightful samll day nursery. Ds1 went there 2 days a week from 7months to 3.5 yrs and dd went from 7 months to 1.5 years. They were so loved and looked after, the staff knew them inside out and were always kind and patient. When dd was born ds1 didn't break a stride as he had his "own" place at nursery and didn't feel resentful of me having less time for him. He learned his numbers, shapes, colours and was able to really enjoy his nursery year at primary as the "work" came easily to him as he was used to sitting in a circle, sharing etc. He's now in reception and is a lovely, lively, sociable little boy (if I say so myself ).

[FairyMum]

I wonder what Steve Biddulph think about children in Scandinavia where most mums work and most children go to nursery from 12 months....

[Kathy1972]

Rachel, don't worry about Steve Biddulph - the research he's talking about isn't sound. Most of the stuff about brain development is based on extreme cases which then get extrapolated to normal kids with no justification. Eg. children in Romanian orphanages who have had no love at all show definite developmental problems, so it's assumed from that that kids at all nurseries do; children with attachment disorder are more likely to have been to nursery (but what's cause and what's effect?) etc. Much research also doesn't distinguish between good and bad nurseries, so if you have found one you're happy with it will probably be fine - no-one is saying there aren't some crap ones out there.
My dd is only 10 months so I can't report yet on how it will affect her, but she has been there 4 months now and loves it and is happier than before she went there. We made the decision to trust nurseries based on the unscientific method of looking at the children we know well and observing that those who had been at nurseries since babyhood were every bit as happy and well adjusted, if not more so, than those with SAHMs.
Your set-up sounds like the best of all worlds - time with other children (which babies love even when they are too young to talk or play together), a close relationship with his grandma, and lots of lovely time with you! Perfect!
Oh, and I have spent lots of time at her nursery and it is a lovely, calm, happy place - the babies hardly ever cry and are picked up instantly when they do. She probably cries less at nursery than home because there's more entertainment and the staff there are (not surprisingly, seeing as it's their job!) really good with babies!

[Kif]

My DD has been in nursery 3 days since 11 months.

i think it gives her life very good balance to have time with mummy, and time with other kids. She is learning lots of new things from nursery, and seems well adjusted.

I think it's important to go into it not (almost) 'assuming' it is traumatic IYSWIM. I've always made a big deal of setting things up so she 'chooses' to go to nursery.

We moved house, so we've had two nurseries in that time. Particualrly the first one, I spent hours 'hanging out' there with Dd before i needed to leave her, to try and promote the nursery as the kind of place where I (her mummy who she trusts) likes to spend time. I played with Dd there, got excited about the toys, chatted to the workers - just generally worked at making it really visible to Dd that the place had my wholehearted sela of approval.

Since then, almost always let Dd walk the last part of the journey, and let her enter her room first. I used to have to open the door for her, now (23 months) she manages the latches by herself.

My current nursery serve breakfast in another room at 8.30. I always arrive early, and hang around with her. The clever thing is that when she hears 'breakfast time children' she trots off by herself to join the line, waving me goodbye.

I feel it makes a world of difference that she feels in control of the situation. I'm very comfortable that her nursery experience is a very positive one. Very, very rarely have any tears or even hesitation (and that generally means illnes pending).

[patkica]

My DS has been in nursery since he was 9 months old. We have no family nearby to help so he has been mainly FT since then. He absolutely loves it and sometimes wants to go at the weekends. We have really lovely staff there and very regular PTA meetings so the parents feel like part of the place. Just make sure that you are happy with the place and the staff: I have heard of some very dodgy ones. And be prepared for ups and downs. DS found it too exciting/noisy to sleep there so we had to have a nanny for about ayear, one day a week, just so that he could have a quiet, sleep day. He liked that, but prefered nursery. It was expensive too! We have had periods of separation anxiety and crankiness, but I don't they have been about the nursery, just pretty normal stages of ajustment. I was on a recent thread about SB which was vey useful as I too felt pretty guilty when I read his new work. But I;ve resigned myself to the fact that mothers will also have someone telling them that they are doing the wrong thing, whatever they do. The best peice of advice I had was to read some old child care manuals and expert advice. It made me realise that like everything else, this advice goes through stages and changes according to trendy theory, but each expert seems to present a strong case. They can't all be right! I bet you ignore lots of 'expert advice' on other matters, so feel confident that you are the best person to make choices for your child.

[newkid]

haven't read thread, but dd loves nursery. now 22mo, been going since she was 9mo. she can be a bit clingy in the morning, but equally she is often reluctant to leave in the evening. they do so many things that i wouldn't think of doing and they keep me on my toes with her development (eg I think she'd still be drinking formula milk if they hadn't started her on cow's milk - you know how you sometimes get in a rut!) It's good for her and good for me. It was hard at first (more for me than her) but it's good now.

[tangerinecath]

Haven't read other responses but my dd (20 months) is in nursery and loves it. She does all kinds of things that we don't do at home and I think that's really good for her, not to mention the social aspect of nursery which I think is really important.
I think you have a great balance of nursery, grandma and working part time so you look after him yourself too.
If you like the nursery and the other kids there are happy then that's more important than the thoughts of one so-called expert.
My dd gets loads of love at nursery, her carers obviously adore her which I think is great. She won't go home until she's given her key worker a hug and a kiss

Good luck with going back to work!