Can't cope with DS.

[intergalacticwalrus]

We have just had to leave a toddler music group half way through as DS(14 months) had 4 major tantrums there, and the last straw
came when he threw a drum at another child. I have just had enough. I can't cope with him. He's so boisterous, and he will not sit still for literally 1 second. I spend all day telling him off, and I hate myself for it. I feel like I am constantly on the edge, especially after I have just really bawled at
him just now. I just don't know what I am doing wrong. None of my friends have the same sorts of problems with their 14/15 month olds, he's just so spiteful sometimes, and if he can't get his own way, he'll hit or pinch me.

I'm 3 months pg, and far from being excited about the new baby, I am dreading it. I am worrying myself sick that I won't be
able to cope, especially if this baby is anything like DS was when he was a newborn (constant crying/never sleeping for more that 10 mins at a time etc) I just can't cope.

[Hattiecat]

What a hard time you're having of it...that time for little ones is really hard work as they can't verbalise what they want, can't control their emotions etc etc, you're probably knackered from pg, frustrated with ds and all gone bonkers...
have you tried warning 1, warning 2 then time out?, ignoring? and also when he is behaving appropriately how do you react? does he get attention - he may have learnt that when he does "bad" things that he gets the attention and when he does "good" he doesn't get any...try heaping praise on him even when he does the smallest good thing...hope not teaching grandma to suck eggs (where does that saying come from?!)...good luck!

[Mum2Ela]

I think at 14 months they don't really understand many things. What did he have a tantrum about?

Hattiecat I don't think warning and time out will work at this age.

Personally I use distraction a lot with DS (15 months), and ignore bad behaviour because I know he is only doing it to get a reaction from me and very soon gets bored.

I think you sound very stressed atm, and perhaps your DS picks up on that.

[nailpolish]

igwalrus - ive posted on your other thread xxx

[fennel]

i know i found being pregnant with a toddler far far harder than having a new baby and toddler. i could cope with anything, more or less, once the baby was out, but when pregnant everything was too much, especially dealing with boisterous, unreasonable and very physical toddlers.

hope things get better for you before then of course, but don't panic about dealing with two, for many of us it's not as bad as the pregnancy stage.

[mrspitt]

I could have written your post a few years ago! My ds is now 4 but from that age when we were at toddler groups he would hit,push, bite have tantrums. He never sits still and doesn't stop talking.
I have no anwsers because i am still having to deal with behaviour like but now think it is linked to his speech difficulties.

I was also pg with dd1 when he was 18 months and used to think OMG will i cope???But you do. No two kids are the same and i am sure you are doing everything right. I also wonder but dd1 is now 2 and i have never had any of this stuff from her.

[wessexgirl]

Friend of mine's ds was very like yours - as a newborn and at the 14 month stage. She was afraid to take him anywhere as he would kick/bite other children and throw fixtures & fittings all over the place. Her downstairs neighbour even considered moving because he was so noisy! But she stopped shouting and stressing and instead started removing her attention from him when he was being awkward and giving it to his 'victims' and now (age 2) he is a bright, charming (still lively!) and much better behaved little boy.

It's enormously difficult to feel positive when you are going through this and it sounds as if you could do with a good rest or a bit of respite care from time to time. If you have any family/friends that can give you time out, accept their help. At the moment it sounds as if you are in danger of being overwhelmed by negative feelings - about your ds and your own parenting - and these are always picked up by your child.

I really really hope things improve for you and all goes well with your pregnancy and the new baby.

[Mazzystar]

To be honest, I wouldn't even try to make him sit still at this stage - my DS is 16 mo and he does enjoy our music class, but best mate's little boy just wants to tank it around the hall, occasionally stopping to join in, - nobody minds.

The best thing you can do is ignore as much as possible but be very firm about the things you can't condone - anything dangerous or that might hurt others. He's way too little to be spiteful, he's probably just pinching or hitting to see how you react. Be as calm as you can, move away from him. I also get down to DS level and look him in the eye and explain firmly why he can't/shouldn't do certain things. I also find taking three deep breaths before reacting really helps.

Also think he's way too little for time out - have tried it with ds - sitting him on chair in the hall - well he thought that was hilarious. It all turned into a game, but we both cheered up so I suppose it wasn't a total disaster.

HTH

[koolkat]

Intergalact - haven't had time to read whole thread - but I began to read a book called "Child Behaviour" by the Gesell Institute of Human Development when my DS was a baby.

I have a 20 month old son who has his tantrums, although they are usually extremely short-lived and he is very easily distracted.

The reason I bought the book when he was still a baby is that I knew all infants go through the tantrum stage and I wanted to be well-prepared. It was more to help me cope through understanding his behaviour.

I love the book because it simply explains what to except at different age and stage, it is not prescriptive. I don't like being told what to do with my son, I just want to know "why" he might behave in a certain way and confirmation that whatever he is going through is totally normal and that I did it myself when I was his age !

I don't wish to tell you what is best either, just that it is a stage they all go through.

I found that my DS began tantrums at around 18 months and at 20 months they are not any worse than they used to be. I also know exactly when to expect them:

1. when he is tired
   
2. when he is hungry
   
3. when he is bored and fed up
   
4. when he is trying to do something, like build blocks and they collapse or put the lid on something, something fiddly that he can't always do on his own, etc...
   

i.e. he only throws a tantrum when he is frustrated with something and can't actually say so in words.

I can't get him to still either which is why I gave up going to rhyme time at my local library. He is very energetic and lively and I have learned to keep up with him. He would much rather go to Topsey Turvey or the park where he can monkey about than sit still for 1/2 hour and listen to someone read a nursery rhyme or a book. It's his personality and I have accepted it. When he is older I am sure he will sit still and read books.

According to the Child Behaviour book, language is very important in terms of behaviour. The more they can say and communicate their needs, the less likley they are to throw a wobbler !

So rest assurred that it will pass (like sleepless nights) and that once they begin to talk it will all probably get much better.

Best of luck !

[Mum2Ela]

Well said Koolkat.

intergalacticwalrus my DS is also a very busy boy. So we do 'busy' things like walking, going to soft play, swimming, gymnastics.

My DS is also a very hungry boy, so I have taught him to 'sign'to me when he is hungry or thirsty, which takes a bit of frustration out of the situation if this is how he is feeling.

[Sparklemagic]

Sorry to hear you're so overwhelmed with this. I do think lower your expectations, 14 months is literally a baby still! My DS was NEVER still at this age - bin the music class and take him to tumbletots instead! With kids the path of least resistance can be the right path - why struggle to make him sit still when he obviously can't. My DS was so similar in this way and I just gave up on 'organised' classes and took him to the toddler 'freeforall' sessions at the leisure centre, or swimming, or softplay - places where he was not expected to sit still, or wait his turn, or really have to play too much alongside other children. Obviously he had contact with other children and I increased the playdates etc as he got older but I think your boy needs to roam free for a bit!

The fact that he seems to be 'spiteful' is just an indication of how overwhelmed you are right now - a child of 14 months can't be deliberately spiteful - they simply do things that get a big reaction.

I hate to think how miserable you must be, as you say spending all day telling him off - I think personally the key is playing with him alot and keeping him distracted from things that you don't want him doing are really the things that will work here. It really is a case of spending lots and lots of your day down on the floor playing with him.

And try not to 'bear grudges', I know it's hard but try to start tomorrow without these negative thoughts, be delighted to play with him as if he's never p*ed you off in his life...otherwise the negativity becomes a downward spiral.

very best of luck to you, I'm sure you can turn it round.

[Mumatuks]

Hi IGW,

I'm probably repeating what everyone else has said , but just wanted to say that my DS1 was very much the same as your DS.
It was hard to see at the time as I was also PG! In the end i figured out these episodes seem to happen 1) when DS was hungry 2)he was tired 3)he was frustrated. It didnn't help with other factors, but I don't think these are relevant to you so i won't go on!

I also found (and still do) that shouting does not cut it with DS1. He thinks its great as he gets attention. I distract him out away from the bad thing. (unless he seriously needs telling off )

I hope he will grow out of it, it is completely knackering and you wonder what happened to that gorgeous baby who was gurgly and cute, not the little monster you have now! (IMO!!)

Keep trying, it doesn't last forever! Honest!

[intergalacticwalrus]

Thanks everyone. I will give some of these ideas a go. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed yesterday, and I am sure today won't be as bad. I'm going to take him to soft play later, so he can tear about to his heart's content.

At the music group, it's not the running around that bothers me. DS was walking at 9 months, so I'm used to that! He's always been very inquisitive, and I'm very happy for him to take a wander if he's bored of sitting still (which he ALWAYS is) It's just the throwing, pinching and hitting I find difficult to deal with. I think part of the problem with the group is the time of it, as he sometimes goes for a nap around the time it's on. This isn't usually an issue, as he perks up when we get there and then zonks out in the car afterwards. I think maybe yesterday was a little too much for him. I'll probably take him for a couple more weeks to see how he goes, as he really enjoys it there, and if he starts to get tantrummy, I'll probably take him out early again.

Today is another day! Wish me luck!

[koolkat]

intergalact - hope all goes well ! I am sure very soon you will get to know what tips him over.

It must be really hard being pg and dealing with tantrums at the same time. Good luck !