do you think that shouting at kids damages them?

[notaniceperson]

OBVIOUSLY excessive or abusive shouting does yes, but what about in general?
You know when you are just so frustrated with them in every day settings.
Seem to be doing allot lately and it always alarms me the thought that i may be causing long term or even short term psychological or emotional damage.
ps i dont swear, dont belittle or anything like that, i raise my voice repeating my instructions to him for the 100000th time.....

[JonesTheSteam]

Wouldn't have thought shouting at them to spur them into action would have a hugely detrimental effect. Especially if it's for the nth time.

Frequently have to shout at DD in the morning - otherwise we'd be consistently late for school!!! She tends to stand around in a daydream rather than clean her teeth or would rather play with DS than put socks on, etc.

I only have to do it the once though, and she does tend to shift herself a bit quicker then. (She hates the thought of being late for school!!)

[spidermama]

My dh shouts at the kids and it doesn't work. They just feel frustrated, are more likely to shout themselves, and they know when he shouts that he has lost control. I really hate it when he shouts at them.

I think now and again it's natural, but not desierable, because we all 'lose it' from time to time. But it's ineffective as a disciplinary strategy, upsetting and stressful for all around, and definitely does more harm than good.

I shout now and again, but it's pretty rare and I know I've lost any authority and respect I may have while I'm doing it.

[juliab]

God my dh is the same, Spidermama, and I hate it too. What winds me up most is that it's teaching them to shout back.
Can't pretend that I don't shout at times, though! But usually only when I'm driven to distraction. Funnily enough, when I shout, I get instant action (unlike dh) - I guess because I don't shout much, so the kids KNOW I really mean business.

[cathyspam]

I think constant shouting would but the odd shout when we lose our temper might not get us anywhere but I dont think it will damage our children either. I had a bit of a 'low' period recently and found myself shouting more than usual and if it was unwarranted I would apologise to DS. I think I was depressed but have been taking some supplements and feeling better. Do you think you might be depressed?

[butty]

i don't think it causes long term damage mentally, although i do feel it may play apart in their personallity when growing up.

My mum and dad always shouted at me, then as i got older i shouted at them as thought it was acceptable!!!

I shout at my daughter when she wears me down, but now she shouts at me!!!!

Thats my personal opinion, although, i do still find myself shouting at the kids although they shout back, i suppose it's a hard habbit to break when always is spur of the moment, i mean, you will have shouted before realising your doing it

Butty.xxx

[FairyMum]

I think it's really bad to shout at babies and that it can damage them if it happens a lot. Not the type of shouting you describe with toddlers or older children. I personally don't shout because my children just shout back and it really gives me a headache. My DH does occasionally shout. I suppose shouting can be seen as "loosing it" a bit, but I think it's okey for older children to see that their parents are only human and sometimes have had enough too. I don't shout, but slam doors and I think a bit of door-slamming can only be good for you.

[bluejelly]

God the idea of shouting at a baby is bizarre..
though i have to say the odd well-timed shout works wonders on older kids.
But no constant excessive shouting can't be good for either party...

[Pruni]

I very clearly remember my parents shouting - neither of them was excessively shouty though - and it doesn't bring up very nice feelings. I didn't just brush it off. I was a sensitive child and didn't need to be shouted at, so it was just their frustration iyswim.
Being shouted at in public sticks nastily in my psyche, in particular.

[foxinsocks]

I think shouting every day is a problem.

[notaniceperson]

see now that is why i ask, i remember getting shouted at allot as a kid and felt humiliated...but that was excessive with a few slaps and allot of hitting thrown in. Damaging obviously.
Im not sure that i personally do it excessively and agree absolutely with all the points you have made re shouting back, setting an example of losing it and showing them that this is an acceptable way to behave.
BECAUSE of my own childhood i make an extra special effort and indeed have taught myself/retrained myself (from way way way before having children) that this would not be the path that i would follow. Yet here i am like a banshee with frustration and absolute dumbfounded desperation.

[spidermama]

My dh's parents shouted at him and he shouts.
My parents hardly ever shouted at me and I don't shout. Also my family didn't shout. I find it quite shocking and upsetting actually but dh dismisses it. 'Oh, get over it. I have to be allowed to express myself' etc.

[spidermama]

My dh has a point about expressing himself in the only way he knows how. It's what he has learned.
I wonder if there is another outlet for emotions which could replace the need to shout in him at this late stage.

[JonesTheSteam]

And surely it also depends on what you shout.

I don't think that after asking DD to clean her teeth ten times in the morning, there is much wrong with shouting, 'DD, please will you clean your teeth now, or we will be late for school.'

Whereas, if like a neighbour of mine (who has now moved, thank God!!), you were heard to shout several times a week, usually while the kids were in the back garden, "Go away, you little bu**er, you've ruined my life, I wish I'd never had you", etc. then that's not on!!!!

[poppadum]

I know this is not going to be a popular view on MN, but I have to say I think we worry far too much about the psychological and emotional impact of everything we do. Parenting gurus are partly to blame, and so is the media. It's all part of the great conspiracy to make mums feel guilty. It seems like mums can't have the smallest human lapse without worrying about the effect on their kids. Shouting might be counterproductive, but I don't think we should be obsessing about general shouting.

I bet you are a perfectly nice person, not a nice person.

[Pruni]

It's hard, isn't it? There are days when I can breeze through it, I suppose on those days I look at dd's frustration and try to imagine how bad it feels, and that sort of diverts my frustration and makes me feel calm because I'm the bigger person, iyswim. Some days though I need someone to be looking after me a bit and it is all too much and I have shouted, though not ranted, and never in public. I get this totally uncomprehending look, directly into my eyes...It's just awful.
So maybe reading up a bit on the psychology of your child(ren) at the age they are and when you feel they're pushing your buttons, trying to think back to why they are doing it...might divert your attention away from whatever makes you shout at them?

[wilbur]

notanice - your childhood sounds like mine and I too find myself shouting at the children even though I swore I would not do that. One thing that I do differently is that if I have really yelled (which is rarely but it does happen ) then I always make sure I apologise for shouting afterwards. I'm also working hard on my scary quiet voice which is getting better!

[mythumbelinas]

How about thinking back to when you were young .. did you get shouted at? What was your personality like and how did things affect you?
I was a sensitive child, and was generally very good and very bright .. it wasn't so much about the shouting, that i could deal with, but about the belittling and feeling worthless.
I shout at my oldest sometimes, sometimes i just have to and sometimes i feel i went a bit OTT .. but i try to rectify it by .. apologise, say it was nice for her to do X but wish i didn't heave to resort to shouting to be heard.
It is a hard habit to break, but i don't think the odd shouting does any harm.

[notaniceperson]

hm,yes i always have a chat with him at some point, we sit and cuddle and i tell him that mummy is grumpy today...when he has been horrendous we talk about he has been grumpy today. this gets it out there and open to discussion.
I agree with poppadom about there bieng great emphasis these days on damaging our kids by doing this that and the other however from my own upbringing i am absolutely desperate to not inflict anything awful on my son and so for that reason i over analyse every thing. Sorry but i do, cant help it.

[spidermama]

I find that on the rare occasions that I do shout it's because I have other stresses going on. That means I'm taking these other stresses out on my kids. Venting my anger on them. It's not right.

Also there's truth in that story, or is it a poem, about the boss shouts at his worker, the worker shouts at his wife, the wife shouts at the kids, the kids kick the dog etc. It's a ripple effect spreading bad will.

I also don't think it's healthy to hold it in really. I don't know the answer but there must be a less destructive way of letting out the stresses and anger without handing it straight on to someone else.

[mythumbelinas]

I can definitely relate to what you're saying notaniceperson and also agree with poppadom.
I don't like the way these gurus and experts make you feel guilty if you don't do x and y exactly how they say it should be done.

[Beetroot]

God I hope not. I shout. Sometimes they laugh at me and I laugh, But I have ben know to be a bit of a shouter and ranter

[spidermama]

I totally disagree with poppadom and mythumablinas that the parenting gurus deliberately try to make mums feel guilty. That's crazy! There really is no conspiracy to make mums feel bad about themselves, and it's such a shame that so many people genuinely seem to believe there is.

The so called parenting gurus are making their living by sharing their experience. I can take them or leave them. Many of them are coming from different standpoints anyway. The thought that they're consipiring to make you feel bad is bizarrely paranoid.