My nearly 2 year old rejects me & always has

[Cutsie1]

I feel really sad & hurt and very much rejected by my DS...I am a very affectionate person but he refuses to show any signs of affection, he will not kiss, cuddle at all...in fact he seems to hate it. When he finally does sit still for more than 2 minutes (extremely active kid) I sometimes gently put a hand on him to stroke him (his back, hair etc.) but he always pushes my hand away , looks at me sternly and say 'NO!' He has always been like this and does not seem to want any closeness...it is breaking my heart. It is the same with going out (which we hardly ever do anymore) he refuses to take my hand and runs away as fast as he can and will not listen to me...as long as he can run away from me he is happy so we usually end up running around cars til I catch him...I now refuse to go out with him as it just leads to heartache, tantrums and not to mention to danger to him from running away. I have tried reigns but these do not help.

I am beginning to wonder where I went wrong... anyone else have a distant toddler....I so much want to cuddle up with him and have a little affection or kiss now & again

Love & Hugs to all Mums
Xxx Jess xxX

[sunnyside]

Oh bless you! You sound so sad... My little man is much the same with my DH and it breaks his heart too. We make sure that we don't give in if he creates even if he appears really upset on the grounds that he's with his Dad who wouldn't do anything to harm or hurt him. It is getting better slowly so I suppose it's just a case of persevering.

Is your DS the same with everybody or is he more affectionate with some people?

I don't think that I've said anything to help but wanted to bump this for you.

[helsi]

Holding hands near cars etc is not affection it is discipline and saftety and you need to make sure you persevere with that one. DD was like that and I made her hold my hand irrespective of whether she wanted to or not.

I am sure the affectiob bit will come later it did with dd. He is possibly realising he has influence over things and I think they also realise they are not babies anymore.

[Cutsie1]

Thanks for the quick reply sunnyside ...yes it does break my heart...I feel like maybe I did something wrong to make him so cold...he is not keen on being affectionate with anyone (although very affectionate and caring with his cuddly toys i.e. brushes them, cuddles them, feeds them etc.) but he will give Grandma or Daddy a kiss now & again but never me.

[sunnyside]

Another thought just occurred to me...my DS went through a phase of refusing to kiss me and when I did eventually get one he burst into tears but threw himself at me.(MIL was holding him) We thought he may have thought I was leaving him.

[Twiglett]

would like to mention that my DS was very similar up to about 3 .. now see my thread in chat called 'my 5 year old won't stop cuddling and kissing me and its driving me mad' or similar

its just an age thing .. some kids are like that .. he will probably grow out of it

[GDG]

My ds2 was/is similar - he's just coming out of it now actually and he's 3.3. Very, very close to daddy but didn't cuddle or kiss me at all. It's only very recently that he has become closer to me and actually puts his arms around me properly or offer a kiss.

It's funny that someone else mentioned fear of being left - I wonder if this has something to do with how ds2 is. He always needs to be very clear about where he is going, whether I'm going with him, is he staying at home...plus, if we are both going downstairs, he would go absolutely ballistic if I ran off downstairs ahead of him and he'd shout 'don't leave me!'. Recently I've always made sure he's a step in front of me if going from room to room or down/up stairs and he is a lot less stressed and more cuddly.

Very bizarre!!

[Cutsie1]

Thanks for all the encouraging words ladies...I can just hope & pray that one day he will turn into a little cuddle monster..it is just weird that he has always been like this (he even kicked like mad when I was preggers if he felt anything touching my stomach) He certainly also has no fear of being left...he actually pushes me out of his room and closes the door on me & happily will play upstairs whilst I am downstairs...also does not bother if I leave him at his grandma's etc. Well looks like I just have to keep hoping Thank you so much all xxx

[forestfern]

I feel upset for you. There is not much info to go off though. He may be naturally unaffectionate and grow up into a very independant male. My daugher stood up a lot in the womb and kicked, she was very active, I dont think this counts. I only have one daughter.

I hope your husband is affectionate, as you obviously are.

As to wandering off - my daughter does this all the time, and yet in the house I cannot even leave the room, and fortunatly she loves her cuddles.

How much nursery time? If there is some, maybe it is more than he wants and resents it? My daughter used to always give me the snub after nursery from the age of 8mth old for about 10mins, it stopped at about 18mth.

How much do you relate to his world? Sometimes with adult pressures of money and work we forget what their world is like. You need to show that you understand their play and relate to its characters - Noddy, Postman Pat or whatever - in order to be their friend a bit. However, this has its downsides, of course, because the more a friend you are to a child, the harder the respect and discipline will be life-long!I think it is still worth the risk though.

If you give a little more info about the life-style, I think people will be able to help you more.

It may be that he is just unaffectionate. This is sad for you as a parent because that is one of the things tha makes it all worthwhile. It must be very hard to just give without receiving.

However, closing the door on you while he plays makes me wonder? Maybe you are too loving and are not showing that you have your own space too and that he cannot take your love for granted. What happens when we love men too much? He is just a little man? I only have a daughter, they are different. More clingy, actually.

Regress. Remember your chilhood and see what you come up with? If you try too hard to win his love he may play games with you.

I hope that you are not infused with external influences from rellies. I hope that they are on your side?

He is YOUR child. Never let anybody take that away from you. I am a bit concerned about the grandparents issues. What about you? Are you easily bullied?

You are right to ask for help here. If you try everything and still no trumps, you know that it is just his nature.

However, it does not mean that he does not love you! He will probably turn out to be a very indepedent male, very sucessfull in business, and look after his mum until a ripe old age!!

Let us know hos you get on. We feel for you with the cuddles issue!

[EHmum]

Perhaps you need to make cuddles more light-hearted and fun? Ds might just want his independence and feel a bit overcome by your want of cuddles. I use kisses as jokey discipline - I tell ds1 that if he doesn't take his shoes off the sofa I'm going to get him and give him loads of kisses which results in me chasing him round the house then giving him a bear hug and lots of smothering kisses and tickles while he has a good belly laugh. I can tell sometimes that he wants to be caught although if I ask for a loving cuddle normally he says no - just part of growing up I think! I don't have a daughter but imagine that boys are more resistant in general than girls

I agree with the safety point when walking down street - even if you have to drag him screaming you need to have control.

[Dottydot]

Hi - don't know if this will help but my ds1 was just like this - from the minute he had strength in his legs (and that was v. young) he used them to push away from me - wouldn't ever cuddle and really doesn't like being touched, cuddled, hugged etc. It used to really upset me as I'm a very tactile cuddly person and I saw it as a rejection of me (particularly as I'm not his biological Mum). He also wouldn't ever say "I love you" and was/is much happier being on his own watching telly than being with me or anyone else!

But, he's just over 4 now and ever so slightly more cuddly!! The best thing I found was to make cuddling into a game - so I invented "hug prison" - he runs past me and I have to try and catch him and put him into hug prison - and we have variations, usually "tickle prison", "tight hug prison" and "kiss prison" (the worst!!). This way I get a few minutes of hugs and I know he enjoys it 'cos he laughs like mad and of course deliberately runs near me so I can catch him!


I think he's never going to be an automatically tactile person and he'll always probably prefer his own company - actually just like his Dad. But I just try to work in a few hugs where I can and that's enough.

I don't think it's anything at all you've done - we're all different and I realise this especially after having ds2 who is the most tactile person in the world and HAS to be touching someone all the time - he's sooooooo cuddly!! Yet he's being brought up by exactly the same parents, just is genetically different.