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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

Help needed with 9 year old girl! Please!

19 replies

Pfer · 20/02/2006 10:20

Right, this isn't my child but my friend has asked me to ask you lot what you think may help:

Her DD is almost 9, doing well at school etc. But she has major tamtrums - only at home. She bites, kicks, hits, throws ornaments, hurts the dog etc. Afterwards it's like she's on a high rather than being worn out by it. She hurts her mum who just takes it, she's scared of restraining her in case she hurts her, she's locked her in her room and she pulls the wallpaper off the walls. Her dad isn't much help, he can't stand the tamtrums and is in the verge of walking. He reacts (IMO) in the wrong way, there are holes in many doors from his reaction to the tantrums. He says he does love his DD but can't cope with her behaviour anymore. Her mum says that she's scared to tell him when DD has had a tantrum in case he leaves, and DD knows this. Mum says "I'm going to have to tell your dad", daughter says "No you won't". They are both at breaking point and need help. They saw a child psychologist before who only suggested star charts, this worked for all of 3 days before DD vandalised the charts and refuses to do them anymore. They're trying omega 3 but DD doesn't like it and has hidden it!

Any ideas anyone? Please

OP posts:

Report

Pfer · 20/02/2006 10:22

Oh I forgot to say her tantrums are generally much worse after she's had smarties etc so I'm wondering if maybe food intolerances could be playing a part in this?

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unicorn · 20/02/2006 10:26

This must be really stressful for your friend pfer.
Is her dd ok at school?
If she is the problems are family centred -perhaps she is copying her fathers aggressive responses and it may be that they all need help.

Could your friend see the Doctor and try to get referred for some family therapy?

Pfer · 20/02/2006 10:33

Unicorn, yes she is fine at school and every where else. It's just at home. I agree with the bit about her copying her father's behaviour, I know him very well and I've thought for a few years he needs help - he witnessed his father dying and couldn't help him, saw a counsellor ONCE and then gave it up saying he's ok - this happened within 2 weeks of their DD being born.

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unicorn · 20/02/2006 10:50

It sounds like he could be the problem in all this?

Men are notoriously bad at seeking help but he really needs it. He must be very stressed - but to punch holes in doors is a very frightening response.

If he doesn't get help, and things continue as they are perhaps it would be better if he did leave?

unicorn · 20/02/2006 10:55

Meanwhile perhaps your friend should give these people a call?
parentline

Pfer · 20/02/2006 12:52

Unicorn, yes sadly I am inclined to agree with you. I'd hate to see the family split for maybe it'd be for the best? The dad (who I've known for many years) just can't see that he may need help of some sort. He won't talk to anyone, he just flips. I've stuck my nose in before with them and got it bitten off but not until after I'd made my point heard.

The prob as I see it is that the DD see's how father reacts and so reacts in similar ways. She knows mum is reluctant to tell dad after any bad behaviour and so knows she can get away with it. I actually told my friend to restrain her when she's lashing out, to stop her hitting her, like you would a toddler throwing a tantrum, you know, holding until it's over. Also said that if her DD wants to vandalise her own room that's up to her, just make sure not to fix it and maybe she'll be embarrassed infront of her friends at the mess she's made.

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cece · 20/02/2006 12:58

Her school may be able to refer her to the behaviour support team - we do that quite often for parents who are having problmes with behaviour at school. Normally if it is that urgent they are seen within a week or two.

cece · 20/02/2006 12:59

sorry meant poor behaiour at home (not necessarily at school)

titchy · 20/02/2006 13:12

Probably a very extreme response - but has teh dad got anywhere to go if he did walk? Maybe it's worth him removing himself from the situatin for a few weeks. It seems like this girl is holding this trump card - so maybe if that's taken away she won't be able to hold her mum to ransom. Then dad should make every effort to see his daughter, but only if her behaviour has improved at home.

Pfer · 20/02/2006 13:30

Titchy - I agree, I told my friend yesterday that her DD is 'playing' her and that if they let it carry on it'd get much, much worse. She gets away with it that's the thing, there are no consequences for her so why shouldn't she tantrum if things aren't going her way? Mum is Very upset by it all and doesn't know what to do. Dad has no where to go, can live in my shed for a few days if he wants!! He's stayed away for a few days before (slept in his car) and the DD was really upset and asked him to come home, as soon as he did she was back to her normal self - violent.

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unicorn · 20/02/2006 14:38

Out of interest what sparks off her tantrums/extreme behaviour?

Has she always had difficulties or has it been a recent development?

This book
here
may help if it the problem relates to her temperament

Pfer · 20/02/2006 16:08

Unicorn, it's when things aren't going 100% her way. Just as an example the other day she had a friend over to play, mum started playing the piano, dd didn't want her to and kicked off, even locking her friend and mum out of the car when it was time to take friend home. Shouting, screaming, lashing out at mum.
When she's refused something she wants, or if you're doing something she doesn't want you to be doing.

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unicorn · 20/02/2006 19:15

Pretty extreme reactions then?

She needs help learning some control mechanisms - otherwise someone may end up getting hurt.

Perhaps her mum needs to go via the school and get a referral to an educational psychologist?

I'd say the family definately needs some professional help.

titchy · 21/02/2006 09:14

Does she get any pocket money at all? Have they tried giving her say 50p at the end of each day if her behaviour has been OK?

Pfer · 21/02/2006 14:46

Unicorn, yes, I'd say they were extreme reactions, though her parents are the only ones to have witnessed them so I can't be sure. What's extreme to 1 person may not be to another, however I do think that if she's that volatile then they do need help.

Titchy, yes, they tried the money thing, stickers etc. All work for a few days then she loses interest and it goes back to normal.

Sad really as generally she's a lovely child

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cece · 21/02/2006 15:02

Really go to the school SEMCO and ask for some support from behaviour support team. One of the girls in my class - her mum did this as she was having problmes with her at home. Not a problem behaviour wise in school.

Behaviour support came and observed her in school and then had a meeting with her mum to go through their suggestions...

cece · 21/02/2006 15:03

oh and stickers/rewards do work but you have to stick with them and be consistent. Somedays you do go backwards but continue they are longer term than some people think for this sort of thing.

cece · 21/02/2006 15:04

sorry SENCO not SEMCO!

Pfer · 21/02/2006 16:00

thanks cece, think i'll suggest that to them later and see what they say.

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