When you have more than 1 child, how do you....

[Feistybird]

reward one (say for DD1, trying really hard at school, or for DD2 trying to write her name) without rewarding the other?

For example, DD1 has a parents evening coming up soon and I have indicated to her that if her teacher tells me she is well-behaved and tries hard, then I may buy her a small present.

What do I do about DD2 though, who will obv be upset that DD1 gets a treat and she doesn't? Now I could buy something small for DD1, but that will seem like diluting the reward for DD1 (she has told me this in her own words).

There are often times when i would like to reward one or the other - esp DD2 with a star chart for staying in her own bed, but also have to do this with DD1, even tho she never gets out of bed.

Are you with me? Am I making sense?

[stitch]

i dont reward in such material terms usually
the reward is a meal out for all of us, coz one of the dc did well. and they all understand it. if it is a pressie, then the other one is told that it is bco s they did well, and when they do well, they also will get one.

[KBear]

how old are they?

I would probably treat DD (7) for something and DS (4) for something else, ie a book for DD for doing well at school and a book for DS for writing his name or drawing a good picture. Balance it out but for different reasons IYKWIM!

[doormat]

I dont reward like this as with 6 kids I would go bankrupt.
I just praise them when each one is doing well.

[RachD]

Feistybird, am very interested in your question.
Can not comment because only have one son, but was intrigued.
Is it the norm 'today', to treat both children?
I can understand that.
However I am one of three, with two older brothers and I only remember them getting praise, possible treat, for a special achievement.
I don't remember feeling aggrieved by it.
I got a big treat, when I managed to do my own diabetic injections, for a week.

Has it all changed now ?

[Kelly1978]

I wouldn't just reward one, because I can remember gettign very competitive like sobernow's children with my brother, and I wouldn't want to encourage this in my kids. It jsut led to too many arguements and kids behaving exceptionally well purely to get rewards. I expect good behavior without the need for rewards, and in return I'll treat them without having a particular reason. I'm trying to teach them that we all be nice to each other for niceness sake iyswim.

[Feistybird]

I should explain that I'm not talking everyday, week or even monthly occurences, when I'm talking about buying a present. In fact this is the first time (Dds are 3 and 5 btw), which is why I raise the question.

And sobernow, god yes, DD1 scrutinises every serving of anything to ensure she doesn't lose out!!

But as we have the 3yo in bed with us every night without fail, I figure that a small gift after sleeping in her own bed each night for 2 weeks, might do the trick - but DD1 will say 'well I always sleep in my own bed'!!

Perhaps I'll just give them both a clip round the ear when they're naugthy, and a slap on the back and an orange for good behaviour - cheaper and less hassle

[Clary]

Feistybird I have 3 children and DS1 (6) and I are setting up a star chart to improve his behaviour (various issues) - between us we are coming up with what we want him to do and not to do. I have asked him to come up with an appropriate treat. I think the other 2 know that it will be just for him. If DD (4) complains I will probably point out that all she has to do to gain a much-prized princess sticker book is stop sucking her thumb for a day!
Lol at the grapes sobernow, I must admit mine all want what the others have got, even if they don't really like it (eg ds2 not bothered about cake but always asks for it in any is offered to others). But usually they see the rhyme and reason of different treats when I explain it.

[RachD]

Yes, I see you point, Feistybird, it is for a major issue.
Sorry I didn't mean to.......sorry.
Yes, a present for sleeping in own bed.
What about a very tiny present for DD2 for something good she has done.

[RachD]

Yes, I see you point, Feistybird, it is for a major issue.
Sorry I didn't mean to.......sorry.
Yes, a present for sleeping in own bed.
What about a very tiny present for DD2 for something good she has done.

[nannyme]

This may be slightly off point but I would have thought that it was better to reward for the good comments from the teacher rather than carrot dangling with the promise of a treat. Agree that reward does not have to be material - words and hugs just as good!

[milward]

When one gets a reward for something I get a gift for that child only. The others see but know it's for a good reason. My dd3 is getting small treats for doing number 2's on the loo! & dd1 will get a gift after her hernia op next week. It all works out in the end. Only diff moment was when dd3 thought it was her birthday when dd2 was 5 - now that was an issue

[Feistybird]

Nannyme, fair point - however I only told her about it this week and parents eve is in 2 weeks time, so if there's been a drastic change in her behaviour, presumably the teacher will notice and tell me! (and then it will be a clip round the ear ).

I know hugs and words are good, but I really want to do something a bit more - am trying, to ensure that her early school experience is as positive experience as poss (she had a bit of an issue with an older child in her first weeks, so am prob trying to erase that!).

Also trying to ensure I don't encourage unecessary competitiveness between them - they seem to vie for my attention as it is.

Millward, blimey I bet that took some sorting out!

[mszebra]

All I can think is make sure that your DD2 has an equal opportunity to get a nice reward. But she still has to earn it (like your DD1 must earn hers for good behavior, your DD2 could earn something for self-toileting or whatever else you think is an equivalent effort for her... and useful for you, of course!). If DD2 doesn't make the effort but was given plenty of opportunity, I would expect she'll accept her sister getting a prezzie even if she (DD2) doesn't.