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Behaviour/development

Empowerment for DD or how to deal with bitchy girls!

17 replies

Sonnet · 16/11/2005 11:35

Hello,
I'm an old poster, but a regular lurker....and in need of some words of wisdom from the collective power of mumsnet.

My DD aged 9 and in year 4 has recently been on the receiving end of some bitchy girls. They have been friends for a few years. One of them, lets call her A, has always been a bit hot and cold and manipulative of DD. DD can deal with her, but, what has upset her this time is the friend B, who she has always been able to depend on, has "ganged up" with friend A. It is nothing major, just running away from her at break, going off arm in arm making it obvious they are whispering about her, calling her a "geek" if she goes to the library. She has got other friends so it not really on her own, but nethertheless it is having a major effect on her. But as we were discussing things last night I started thinking about "empowering" strategies. DD will have to face this sort of behaviour in the future and I would love to be able to give her some strategies for dealing with this.
Anyone have any "empowering" tips please they could pass on?

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spacedonkey · 16/11/2005 11:39

I think you've already hit on one effective way to "empower" your dd - by discussing it with her. I do this a lot with my dd (who is 14, so at the height of peer bitchiness syndrome!). By discussing it with her you're helping her to look at the situation from different perspectives (i.e. looking at the possibility that such behaviour indicates envy or insecurity).

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Sonnet · 16/11/2005 12:15

Thanks Spacedonkey - I have talked it through with her and if she responds one way what may happen and if she responds another way it could change what happens.
What worries me is her ability to accomodate them and what they are doing to her - Friend A needs DD's help in the flute orchestra. Friend A still expects DD to help her and DD appears only too willing to help out. Friend B wants DD to wait for her after a lunch time activity and DD did do that yesterday. DD's reasoning behind this is by not helping/waiting she may make the situation worse. I want her to understand that by standing up to them and not helping/waiting and explaining why they willl gain some respect and understand that they cannot treat DD like this and still expect her to be around for them.
Am I doing it all wrong???

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Lizzylou · 16/11/2005 12:21

Sonnet, I think that by sitting down and discussing things with your DD in this way you are doing exactly the right thing. Your DD will then feel stong enough to cope and not just join in with the herd.
I overheard with interest an argument between 2 of the neighbours children the other week, they are about the same age as your DD. The one girl had friends over and was obviously showing off and excluding the other neighbour's girl just because she had a "gang" with her.
I was so impressed that the one girl was strong enough to say to her friend "I am not doing that and you can't bully me into it by calling me names. When your friends go home don't bother coming round to my house to play". They have made it up now as all children do, but I thought that the little girl showed great strength...I almost wanted to cheer her!

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spacedonkey · 16/11/2005 12:22

Well I'm no expert, but in my opinion you're doing the right thing to offer her another way of looking at the situation that puts her more in control, and just by being on her side. I dunno about you, but I still have some vivid memories of so-called friends treating me like that when I was kid, which shows what a powerful impact that sort of behaviour can have

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Jackstini · 16/11/2005 12:27

Sonnet - sounds like your dd is using the example of '2 wrongs don't make a right' which shows integrity. She is not stooping to their level of behaviour but continuing to conduct the friendship in a calm manner.
Hopefully they will get bored but if it does last a while she could ask them both (together) why they are doing what they do and see what they say?

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Nightynight · 16/11/2005 12:33

Sonnet - I think you are on the right track. They will only bully more if they see that there is no comeback. You aren't presumably suggesting that your dd should be aggressive towards them, merely that she should explain nicely that she can't help them if they are not prepared to be nice to her in return!

IMO that is a good lesson for life.

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spacedonkey · 16/11/2005 12:37

I don't think that's necessarily the case NN - refusing to react can defuse bullies (not in every case I know, but it is a valid response)

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QueenVictoria · 16/11/2005 12:39

Agree with Nighty night and similar comments. I wish someone had been able to help me with this when i was your DD's age.

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Nightynight · 16/11/2005 12:46

sd - it depends how you react. If you give them a big show of emotion that has no negative consequences for them, then yes, I agree, its better not to react.
But I have yet to see a bully who carries on bullying if something unpleasant happens to them as a consequence.

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spacedonkey · 16/11/2005 12:48

True NN. I'm not saying she shouldn't react - I too would've cheered on that little girl lizzylou overheard! I just think that sonnet is doing the right thing to offer support and a chance to discuss what is going on, rather than telling her that she "should" do this or that. Better that she tries different ways of dealing with the situation by her own choice

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Sonnet · 16/11/2005 13:12

Wow - thank-you for all your responses!
Lizzylou - That is exactly how I would like DD to respond!! - well done her!. I do see though that it is how "I" would like her to respond and I am not DD

you understand where I am coming from I think NN. I am not advocating that DD says "ner I'm notgoing to help you ner ner..." but to get across that they cannot treat her like dirt and expect her to be around when they need her.
I agree with you SD about a non-reaction defusing the situation. I am having difficultly putting this into words but I want her to have some self respect, to not wait around greatful for a crumb of friendship that is thrown her way by those two girls.
So far we have: discused how she feels, discussed what she would like the outcome to be (to be back to normal with friend B again), how her responses (verbal and non-verbal) could effect the outcome.She also has a short term strategy for today which is to pal up with another friend who I think is at a bit of a loose end. This other child "dispears" at break time, DD said she has hunted high and low for her. I know from the mother that this child is haveing a few teething problems adjusting to the new school. (All children have recently moved up to another school together but with some new additions).
I have tried to explain for example that if she decides not to wait for friend B today after lunch activities and friend B askes her why she didn't wait to respond by saying " I didn't think you would want me to wait for you as ran off and called me names at lunch time. I decided to go to lunch with x instead". What she actually did yesterday (before we had the discussion and I knew about what was happeneing)was not to wait for friend B but when challenged by Friend B said something had come up and she was sorry she hadn;t waited!!
My fear is that friend B will think it dosn't matter how she treats DD as DD will be there when she needs her!!

I am rambling now - thanks for all who have stayed the course!
Glad to know I'm on the right track! - we do so want to make it easier for them don't we!

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Sonnet · 16/11/2005 13:14

You have hit the nail on the head Space Donkey I do so want to avoid the "you should do this" response!!, but am struggling with getting the self respect message across

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MeAndMyBoy · 16/11/2005 13:22

This is such a hard hard situation, and I think you are doing a great job. Not sure how I would handle this in the same situation but my two penneth is could you explain self respect to her?
that she is allowed to change situations that make her feel uncomfortable or unhappy, and that by explaining to her friend B that she didn't wait around and the reason why that it may help to change the situation? and helping friend b see that there are consequences for her actions and that DD isn't responsible for her friends actions.

Not sure that I am making sense though.

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Sonnet · 16/11/2005 14:07

You are meandmy boy - you are!!
Thanks you for responding, and to all of you.
I may post an update to this scenario for future reference to others. As I said in an earlier post it is a situation that many of our DDs will face!

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twirlaround · 17/11/2005 13:40

i talk to my dd (younger than yours at just 6) about how she thinks "true friends" should behave. This helps her to be clear on what behaviour limits she thinks there should be, and what behaviour is falling outside of those limits.

I ask questions like "did x do or say anything which made you feel bad?" to help identify troublesome behaviour. I think this is helpful in allowing children to identify and set limits to what behaviour they will accept. Then you can go through alternative strategies for how to deal with behaviour which they find unacceptable.

Children are often more keen on kids who blow hot & cold than on the steadier, nicer, more reliable kids - I guess it's more exciting. I think it's fine to be friends with those kids, as long as you can set your own boundaries.

DD has come home a few times with a fantastic sense of empowerment when she has tried out a technique and it worked! My dd is very mild mannered and gentle and has tended to get pushed around quite a bit, but she is finding her way through! I have recently managed to get her to shout at people who hit her and this is a big achievement for her...and one it took her nearly a year to be able to do!

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flashingnose · 17/11/2005 13:42

Oh sonnet, saw your post on my thread (Three's a crowd) - so sorry your DD is going through this. There's some very good ideas on here and role-playing, as twirlaround suggested, would work well as well, I think. FWIW, I role-played a situation with my ds this morning where he was going to ask the boy who's giving him grief why he's doing it - ds added "...because I thought we were friends and friends don't do this to each other". He went off to school a lot happier, so we'll see what happens today.

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flashingnose · 17/11/2005 13:43

Cross-posted twirlaround - you said it a lot better than me .

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