How do i help ds2?

[HelenEmjay]

HE is 2.5 and i have just had our third baby, she is 2 weeks old and although ds2 has always been very devilish, he is a very sweet and affectionate little boy, but since dd was born he hits and kicks and shouts and yells and throws stuff all the time! he is ok with me and dp, and is lovely with the baby, but its everyone else he is bad with! if people ignore him he kicks them, and if they speak to him - he kicks them! its really sad as he is such a lovely little boy usually and i dont know how to help him! anyone got any ideas how i can get my little boy back?

[aloha]

One thing I found really helped ds feel happy with a baby sister around was to 'speak' in the voice of baby - I used a small, squeaky voice, and would say, 'Oh big brother you are so clever! I wish I could walk/talk/play with toys like you' and 'I love my big brother', 'thank you big brother! You are so kind'. He absolutely LOVED it - and he was older than your boy. At four he still asks baby to talk (meaning me). I also spent a lot of time pointing out how poor silly baby couldn't walk/eat/talk/play/sit etc and how much she wanted to be like him. Also maybe a behaviour chart with smiley faces that you draw on. Don't have sad faces as well, only smileys and the aim is to win smiley faces by doing lovely, helpful, kind and friendly things. So you are ignoring the bad behaviour and can say things like - 'OH, that was kind! Let's do a smiley!' and 'Well, when you come and say hello nicely you can have a smiley face'.
I'm sure things will improve. It's a big change in their lives.

[HelenEmjay]

Oh aloha - thats so sweet lol!! what a fantastic idea! i will try the baby voice and the smiley chart!! i know he wold be very amused by the voice thing - and i think it would work with him too! Thankyou hun! xxx

[Saker]

Somebody bought Ds1 this book when Ds2 was born. It was along the lines of what Aloha is saying "Our baby can't eat with a spoon but I can".... It might help a bit.

Also I found including Ds1 helped - e.g. if the baby cried asking him why he thought he was crying, aksing him to chose a rattle for him, asking him to fetch the car seat, baby wipes etc.

[PrettyCandles]

When dd started smiling she was fascinated, as all babies are, by her big brother (he was 2y3m when she was born), and often smiled at him. I told him that he was making the baby smile and that she admired him and was very pleased that he was her big brother. Very soon I would find him trying to make the baby smile - tickling her feet, pulling silly faces, telling her stories, showing her his toys, and so on. I told him that she smiled more for him than for anybody else, even me. It wasn't strictly true, but within days of me saying so it became so!

Personally I try never to belittle one child to the other. I try to focus on what the older can do, rather than what the younger cannot. And I would never ever call the baby 'silly'.

[HelenEmjay]

Thankyou saker - i just bought it - hopefully it helps, he likes books! he has been showing baby all his new cars thus afternoon which was really sweet to watch, but nana and grandad have been round and the second they walked through the door he started throwing all the cars at his nana!!! i had to sit him on the stairs for time out in the end and he just sat there and screamed for a couple of minutes and as soon as time was up, he came through and started throwing things again and then he wacked his grandad with his tractor! - his behavior is really upsetting his nana - she thinks he must be really troubled - i just dont know anymore, i just dont know what the best way of stopping this behavior is! - he can have all the temper tantrums he wants but i cant and wont tolerate kicking punching and throwing things at people! he's become a monster with people!

[KiwiKate]

Sorry to hear of your difficulties HelenEmjay. MY dd is also two weeks old, and ds is 2.5yo.

Although he is taking it out on other people, I think your ds is probably frustrated with you and dh, now that you have another baby.

One thing that I think really helped us, is tht I told everyone NOT to make a fuss of dd in front of ds. So we all are very low key about dd in front of ds (although we adore her out loud as soon as he is not around!)

Also, making sure that all the important people in his life have some time alone with him (my dh is great about taking dd from me so that I can do "normal" things with ds like get him dressed etc). the grandparents also do things with ds on his own, including taking him out of the house for a treat eg walk in the park.

I am finding that ds is wanting to spend a lot of time with dh, and they are doing "boy things" together like going for walks. We have also made bed time more fun for ds (he's always been pretty good about going to bed), letting him ride "daddy horse" (or "mummy horse" if I'm not bf) to the bathroom to clean teeth, and then from the bathroom to the bedroom. He just loves it. Daddy horse is very good and sometimes does a couple of laps around the house first - and sometimes will do a lap or two just for the heck of it when it isn't even bedtime. It is a small thing, but it is something that baby can't participate in, and it makes ds feel special (and he has fun).

dd also "bought" ds some gifts including water pistols (a big hit at bath time) and a leappad (an interactive story/game book). This was pricey, but helps keep him occupied while I bf.

Also, I let ds get on my lap even when dd is on me (usually bf), and I read to ds while bf (if he seems to want to get close to me).

Plus telling him how she loves him and is delighted to have him for a brother.

[HelenEmjay]

KiwiKate - i like the horsey thing!! we used to do that alot with our first son who is 5 now but we must have forgotten about it! we will have to let ds2 ride horsey too with daddy - i seem to be bfeeding alot at the moment which im sure doesnt help ds2!