Is clinginess in a 2.3 yr old normal? How best to deal with?

[Swirl]

DS1 is 27 months, and has been at home with me for the last 5 months as I am on maternity leave with DS2. He was at a childminders before my leave started which he loved, and he was very social and loved company.

In the last month he has become totally clingy, to the point of crying when I suggest we go to see his grandparents (who he adores), my best friend (who is great with him), etc. He just say " No, stay at home with mummy". If we do go anyway he just clings to me and wont leave my side. When visitors come he clams up and when they leave he is full of chat about them. Things have got much worse after an unfortunate incident in a soft play group last week when another child hurt him, which has really deeply upset him. He is now totally ill at ease anywhere where there are other children

I left him with the childminder for a day last week and he cried before we left, when we got there, and when I left. He was okay after a while but on the quiet side she said. Am now totally dreading going back to work (in Nov) and leaving him with the childminder every day. I just dont think I could cope if he is going to be so upset.

Has anyone else a toddler of similar age who is like this? He never had separation anxiety when he was younger, in fact he would have gone anywhere with anyone. Is it because he has spent so much time at home with me over the summer, or is this a phase they go through at this age? Can I do anything to help him?

[Melpomene]

Hi, I am in a similar situation though not quite as bad. DD1 is nearly 27 months and DD2 is 5 months old.

DD1 can be very clingy - not always, but she goes through phases of it. We reduced her from 3 days pwk at nursery to 1 day pwk when I went on maternity leave, and it became more difficult to leave her at nursery because she would cry desperately. That lasted for a couple of months. She is better now and doesn't cry but still looks sad when I leave her at nursery and won't say goodbye. At toddler groups she is sometimes all right, but other times she is velcroed to my leg.

TBH I find it hard to stay patient when she clings to me at toddler groups and won't play with anything, but I try hard to be positive, e.g. I praise her lots when she goes and plays with things and tell her how much I enjoy seeing her doing things.

Another thing that sometimes helps is to take a cuddly toy - my dd1 doesn't have one particular favourite cuddly toy, but she takes a different one with her each time we go out and it gives her something to do when she is feeling a bit insecure.

In your case it sounds like he changed when you were on mat. leave so maybe part of it is due to feeling a bit insecure about the arrival of his younger brother, and feeling like he doesn't want to share you.

I'm not sure if this is very helpful, but just wanted to reply and let you know you're not alone!

[Swirl]

Thanks Melpomene. It does help to hear that I'm not alone. I had thought that separation anxiety and clinginess was something that children had earlier than this so reassured to hear someone else's experience.

[Swirl]

Anyone else have toddlers that have come through this stage....do they grow out of it or can I do anything to help?

[gingerbear]

Did you see Supernanny on C4 last night? 3 year old clingy toddler with one year old sibling. He was jealous of his baby brother and wanted mum's attention constantly.

Could it be that your DS is jealous?

[Swirl]

Oh Gingerbear, was glued to Supernanny for first 20 mins and then just when it was getting to the interesting stage a neighbour called round and missed it! Were there any useful tips? DS1 has been very good generally with DS2. He talks away to him, gives him random kisses and cuddles, and always wants him in the same room as us. If DS2 is getting alot of undivided attention from me, then yes DS1 then moves in trying to get the toy, etc, but I always make him wait his turn and he will usually accept this. So there may be a bit of jealousy there but doesnt seem so much as to be a problem.

[littleun]

i think most toddlers go through this at some stage. i know mine did. melpomene i right he may be concerned about having to share you, maybe hes worried that you might take him to childminders and forget hes there because you have a new baby.....strange things go through a childs mind!

Try not to make a fuss when he does play up and try best to ignore it. I found that with mine if i stayed cherful when i was going to leave him with someone (no matter how hard he cried) and told him that i would be back to get him at a certain time like tea time for example. Then i would give him a quick kiss and go. Then i would make extra fuss of him when i came to pick him up, lots of cuddles and saying how much i missed him.

It did take a little while but he eventually got used to it. Now he screams when i come to take him home because he likes school so much!!!
i hope this has helped a bit.

[Swirl]

Thanks Littleun. I left him with childminder again today and tried to be upbeat. Left him with his lower lip quivering and tears streaming down his face. Came out to the car and cuddled DS2 to bits and burst into tears. As you stay will just make a fuss of him when I collect him.

[Swirl]

DS1 is still in tears every time I suggest going to see family/park/pool etc, wanting to "stay at home with mummy". Is it better to keep going out to get him used to company again in time, or am I making it worse by making him do things he doesnt want to do?