What's it like if your child has a different surname to the mother?

[Lozza79]

Hi everyone,

I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant and expecting a little boy. My partner and I are very happy together and we're not married. Whether we ever get married or not doesn't bother me, but if we ever did I certainly wouldn't take his surname. I'm quite happy with my own and at the age of 30, if I did I would feel like I'd be losing my identity just to satisfy tradition. Furthermore, I am the last person in my family with my surname and if our child doesn't get it - that's it.

My partner would like us to use his surname for our son. I haven't really pushed the conversation yet as I'm curious to find out more first from women who have different names to their children. What's it like? Are you treated differently? Do you think it's easier for the man to have a different surname to his child?

By the way, I have no intention of double barrelling our son's surname. The two names would look terrible hyphenated.

[bran]

My kids have a different surname to both me and DH and nobody has ever so much as commented on it, except for passport control at Heathrow who can be a bit pissy about it unless we have birth certs with us.

[heymammy]

Neither of my dds have my surname and tbh it makes not a jot of difference. There have been no problems with registering for school/nursery anything and it's really never commented on.

I'm in the same situation as you in that we are not married and if we ever did bother then I would keep my own name, it's mine and I like it!

So would your dp be open to discussing your ds having your surname?

Many congrats by the way

[4andnotout]

I have 4 dd's who all have my dp's surname, it makes absolutely no difference to us, my parents have taken them abroad and no one has said anything about them having a different surname. The oldest two know I have a different surname and think it's funny, they couldn't care less whose name they had tbh.

[Maveta]

It probably isn´t relevant as where I live no members of the family have the same surname so its just normal. As for me personally, it just doesn´t even occur to me that ds and I don´t have the same surname - I know he´s mine!

[sweetkitty]

My 3 DDs have DP's surname and it's not an issue here either, even if DP and I were to get married like the OP I have no intention of taking his name at this ripe old age.

DD1 and 2 know I have a different name and all I have said is that children have the same name as their Dad and I have the same name as mine.

[seeker]

I would really suggest having another look at hyphenating. Have you tried it both ways round? Our dcs have a hyphenated name and it works fine - even though it is a bit clumsy. They love having both our names, and they particularly love that they are the only people in the world with this particular last name.

We've never had any trouble with immigration or anything like that. The only difficulty we have ever had is that people sometimes think that the children's name is our family name, but that's not really a problem.

[bluemonkey123]

I have a different surname to DD - she has her fathers name and I am remarried. I don't notice it at all, althugh she often comments that she would like the same name as me - I just say "but then daddy wouldn't have anyone with his name" and she is fine with that. I don't mind, school don't mind (although they always assume I am a Miss!!) Even when we recently joined the library, they asked if all children had the same family surname - they were well prepared for that not necessarily being the case.
I don't notice it at all - congratulations on your pregnancy

[SpicedGerkin]

People constantly call me Mrs Smith, John Smiths mum, instead of Miss Jones, John Smiths mum.

Other than that, it makes no difference at all.

FTR - Not our real names

[BornToFolk]

I have a different last name to DS and it's been no problem at all so far (he's 2.4).

When I make doctor's appointments, I just give his name. Nursery have no problem at all with it - invoices are addressed to both me and DP.

It was an easy decision for us - it meant a lot to DP for his name to be carried on and I really wasn't bothered.

Could you use your surname as a middle name?

[Lozza79]

My partner would be open to the discussion of using my surname and he knows that I'm keen to use mine, but I'd like to go into that conversation with a bit more information on what it's actually like. I often think that tradition expects women to compromise more on these issues and I don't necessarily agree with that.

[minipie]

Just to add from the child's perspective - my mum didn't change her name on marrying, so I have a different surname from her. (I have her surname as a middle name, maybe you could consider this).

It never caused any practical problems and it never bothered me in the slightest (and this was back when it was much less common).

[fairimum]

A friend of mine's DD has a different name to her and on 3 DD (under 4) has been seated away from her on plane trips (twice just the 2 of them traveling!) and the airlines were very difficult about it as all seats were allocated and it had to be sorted when they got on the plane. She has since married her DDs father and they are now automatically seated together without charge, prior to them having the same name the airline said they would have to pay extra when booking for seats together, as only automatic when names the same! Crazy!

[Sunshinemummy]

I used to have a different name to my children until I got married in the summer and it didn't make any difference, even at passport control. I thought it might be troublesome flying into the US by myself with DS and I filled in two forms for us but the official ripped up his form as unnecessary.

I must admit though I hated not being the same as the rest of my family. I couldn't wait to be the same as them and changed my name as soon as we got married.

[stleger]

My surname is different to dh and my kids (18, 16,13). We have only ever had one problem - a school nurse wouldn't do an eyetest on ds when he was 5, as she didnt 'know who had signed the form'. They have had injections since in school, no bother. We have been to USA, various European countries, North Africa and Turkey - no bother with flights, hotels etc.

[birdofthenorth]

I have the same surname as my step-son and his birth mum doesn't, and for a long time the school responded more readily to me than her despite her having primary custody and having acutally given birth to him. This is a Catholic school in a non-deprived/ not very deiverse area though -I suspect the vast majority of schools are much more used to dealing with different surname combos!

I once read something about men with a different surname to their child being less bonded to it but I suspect they were losers (or it was written by family values evangelists?!). You sound like nice people in a solid relationship so I'm sure whichever surname you go for your DP will be an active, happy and bonded dad!!

[birdofthenorth]

Oops to typos above!

[PressSend]

I'm in this position. My children have a different sur name. I wasn't married to their Dad. At the time I did have a niggling feeling that by giving them their Dad's name even when we weren't married, I was giving everything away, but it would have caused a huge row. So I ended up with two children with their Dad's name. I never did marry him. Actually I left him. It is annoying. Doctors, health workers, teachers, their friends' mums call me Mrs Their-Dad's-Name. Which is a little irritating. I always just quickly say, 'I'm MYOWNNAME'.

If I were you I'd insist on putting your own sur name in and using the two. I wish I'd done this. Then I could have just 'used' mine and let his go in everyday life, just retaining both sur names for the official documentation.

I know you won't want to go plan for splitting up, but if you're not actually married then surely he can't object to a double barrelled sur name just on the birth cert. You can use whichever you choose to if the legal stuff is in place.

I just have to shrug and live with my children having their Dad's sur name.

[PressSend]

ps, if he's ok with using your sur name, use your sur name!!!

[moomaa]

I am not in this situation, but if I was, I would use my surname for our children, and I told my DP this before we married. More often than not the Mum sticks with the kids when the Dad doesn't and it would be better if children took the mother's surname to reflect this.

[TulipsInTheRain]

I have a differant surname to the kids and it's never once been an issue (eldest is 5)

I've even flown with the baby and forgotton his birth cert and not had any problems (security didn't even ask)

only irritation atm is the fact that when ds2 was in SCBU he was there under my name so now all his hospital records are in my name stil and i keep forgetting to bring a copy of his birth cert to them so they can be changed

[5DollarShake]

Congratulations!

I have read about women who have really regreted not giving their children their own surname, when they have gone on to be with other partners, as they all end up with different names, but there's no reason to think that you won't end up with your current partner.

I am always a bit that women are automatically expected to concede their surname in situations like this - esp, given that they carried and gave birth to the child.

Double-barrelling definitely does not always work - do not force it if it doesn't!

Imagine DBing an o'Irish surname with a McScottish surname - that is pretty much what we would have faced, and would have looked like buffoons if we'd gone through with it, no matter which order we'd placed them in.

[PressSend]

moomaa, Yes, I wish I'd stood up for my sur name more. It was equal and I treated it like it was lesser. Now I am raising my children on my own with no financial contribution and they have the sur name of a man who pops in three or four times a year with some cheap plastic tat!! I would like if they had the sur name of the grandparents who mind them when I'm busy, or the uncle who is so generous to them (my brother), or me godamit!!

ah well, it's not the end of the World I know that. But if I could go back in time to that register office....

[loobylu3]

I have opted to keep my maiden name. The children have their dad's surname. We haven't had any problems at all.

I think the issue for you will be trying to decide which surname you give your children.

[Megletwantsittobesummer]

I regret not giving the dc's my surname. Now me and and xp have split up (and it is looking likely they will never know their dad) I would feel more secure if me and the dc's had the same name. I don't think there's much I can do about it. Mind you, we're not likely to be going on any flights for many years so at least I haven't got that problem to worry about.

[BarbaMamma]

It's fine - we got around it by giving DCs my surnames as middle names. That way they can choose to keep, drop or swap their 3 surnames around when they're older. Part of the reason was that DH's name is shorter and less complicated than my (foreign) ones. I like his surname, but would have been sad not to have mine on their birth certificates.