AIBU

[lovelybones]

my dd is now 15 months old and when she as born I deliberately chose a name that whilst not that unusual is uncommon. One of my friends who is expecting her second dd called me last night to ask how I felt about
them using the same name for their baby. I know I don't have copyright over this name but I feel gutted to be honest. When I asked how she would have felt if I had decided to copy her 1st dd's name when my dd was born she said she would have been shattered! Any thoughts on how I handle this would be most welcome

[dinny]

take it as a compliment, I would

[thisisyesterday]

hmm well technically you are being unreasonable. as you say anyone can use any name they like

it isn't unreasonable of you to feel upset though, you';re entitled to feel however you like.
and I think your friend realises that it might be a bit of a problem, otherwise she wouldn't have asked would she?
so maybe she won't use it after all (esp after saying she'd be shattered if you'd used her name)

[lovelybones]

That is pretty much how I feel. I know that when I was expecting I absolutely loved a couple of names that My friends children had but wouldn't have dreamt of using them or even asking if they minded. I really hope she doesn't use it though!

[Bakersman]

Difficult one. YABU but I see where you are coming from too. Not much you can do though.....

[MrsMerryBunnyGirlHenry]

I think YABVU. I never told anyone our chosen name but a friend of ours used the same name anyway (she gave birth 3 months earlier than me). We clearly both had excellent taste in names, like you and your friend! When I gave birth we contacted her and asked how they felt about us using the same name. We thought it was only courteous since the children were so similar in age, and they were very gracious about it. Tbh we probably would have used it anyway, even if they'd said no, as we adored the name.

Why on earth do you think you have the right to feel so upset over your friend wanting to use this name? I do find it rather suspect that people feel they have a bizarre sense of ownership over names, I really do.

[lovelybones]

As I said I know I don't have ownership over the name but I can't help feeling that there are plenty of beautiful names out there that could be used and it will be a bit weird to be calling another child so close to us by the same name as my dd.

[thisisyesterday]

yeah but everyone will know you had yours first

i am opposite I must admit, I get quite excited when I hear others with ds1's fairly unusual name

[MrsMerryBunnyGirlHenry]

Yes I noted you said that, lovelybones, but when you say you feel so upset about it, it says to me that some part of you feels that it is 'your' name. As you yourself know it's bloody hard choosing a name that feels right, and often that's guided by past experience of people with the same name. So if your friend would like to use the name you chose for your DD she clearly thinks your DD is wonderful. I think you need to be gracious and mature about it and just tell her you're flattered.

I am being a bit harsh here but only because I think the way people get upset over names is so very unreasonable.

Btw it's really not that big a deal having two children around with the same name.

[MrsMerryBunnyGirlHenry]

Like thisisyesterday I get excited too - my DS has a fairly unusual name and it is lovely when we meet another child with the same name.

[lovelybones]

I know I am being a bit precious about it buit can't help how I feel

[MrsMerryBunnyGirlHenry]

Er...I beg to differ. You can choose to change your attitude to this if you really want to.

[lovelybones]

right...thanks

[hannahsaunt]

I understand. It's very different encountering a child you don't know from Adam with the same name, quite another when it's a friend - then the names are of the child, the child you know (and love). Our first choice name for a girl was 'used' by friends of ours and it's her name - we wouldn't dream of using it. Ever. She is that name and should we ever have a dd she will have her own name.

[lovelybones]

Thank you I thought I was being the most unreasonable woman alive there for a minute!

[traceybath]

Perhaps they'd always liked the name and you just happened to get there first?

[GossipMonger]

tell us the name now..............yanbu.

[lovelybones]

I'd rather not as it would be rather uncomfortable if my friend were to come across this thread!

[MIAeatingeggs]

I wouldn't like it tbh, especially if you have a more unusual name for your dd.

Am relieved you were not asking if 'AIBU' was a good name as that's what I thought when I saw the thread title!

[Tinker]

How often will you see the friend? I wouldn't like it at all, especially if it was a close friend. I'd think it a bit odd that they couldn't think of their own name. And, yes, I am BU but I don't care.

[BabyBump2B]

Its hard - we've picked a name that isn't in the top 1000 names and have actively chosen not to tell people the name. Now if someone had also stumbled across that name and loved it before our DD was born then fine - these things happened. But if someone heard our DD's name and thought it was lovely so wanted to use it I would be annoyed.

Does that make sense?

[iSOLOvechocolate]

Now, I was in Tesco's on Thursday and a woman and a young girl of about 7 walked past me and woman says to girl, what do you think would like in her lunch box next week? I was gutted to hear my Dd's name being used/'owned' by someone else(who was obviously older than my Dd who's 2.3). Now I don't know this family and I was upset, so surely friends/relations should be more considerate of other peoples feelings and not even think of doing this kind of thing. Sorry! long story, but you get my meaning!

[DuffyFluckling]

I would have said you were being unreasonable, but the fact that your friend has realised she would have been "shattered" if you'd used her 1st dd's name, but is still going ahead with using your dd's name means that she is not behaving in a way that she would like to be treated. Therefore she is being U.

[seeker]

If she's a close friend you see every day, then I do think it's a bit odd that she's choose the same name as your child. But I also think your reaction is a bit extreme. It's not as if using the same name will steal a bit of her soul, or something, like people used to think about taking photographs........!

[QuackQuackQuackQuack]

I want to know the name before I can judge if YABU because it does depend on how unusual the name is

[nappyaddict]

If I were them then I would do as they've done and ask how you feel. If you were unhappy then I wouldn't personally use it. So IMO just tell her you would be upset if they decided to go with the name but at the end of the day it's her choice and if she really wants to use it then she should. That way she knows your feelings but you aren't telling her she definitely can't use it which really isn't your place iyswim.