mum's surname or dad's?

(60 Posts)
lovelilies Thu 26-Sep-13 23:07:02

unmarried parents.. which surname will/have you given your dc?
I honestly have no idea what to do...sad

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Tue 01-Oct-13 16:22:13

Mother - It is probably worth bearing in mind that I am in my mid 30s and married in my mid 20s. I also didn't have children. So I was a feminist at this point, but it was in the general sense of 'of course I'm a feminist' and of equally seeing most of the work as done (in the UK). It was that era where choice feminism was being flogged in the mainstream media and, as a middle class, well educated woman I was shamefully sheltered from a lot of realities. So yes, I made a pretty lazy decision. I think, like a lot of women my age, I mainly discovered my feminism as I got older and as having children made realise the vast inequalities still in operation in our marriages, homes and workplaces.

In many ways I don't regret it. I like us all sharing a name, and I am not sure I could have inflicted the deep hurt on the IL's it would have caused them if their DS changed his name (as I said, older and very traditional). But I do think that today I would think about it more deeply.

I do hate the thought that people would think that I couldn't be a feminist having changed my name. Or that I am somehow degraded by decisions I made though.

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Tue 01-Oct-13 16:23:00

Sorry, don't know where 'though' came from at the end of that. "by decisions I made."

motherinferior Tue 01-Oct-13 16:33:26

I take your point grin. For me, the idea of subsumed into someone else's name makes me feel really quite ill. Mind you so does the idea of getting married.

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Tue 01-Oct-13 16:36:01

I guess the thing is I don't feel subsumed. I don't feel that I was somehow branded with DH's name. I just changed my name. You know, it happens to match the one DH already had, but I don't see 'Payne' as any more his than mine.

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Tue 01-Oct-13 16:37:18

If getting married makes you feel quite ill, I can see why changing your name would turn your stomach too grin

I read an article once somewhere, where the daughters got the mother's name and the sons got the father's name. Thought it was quite fair.

I didn't change my name when I got married (I cannot for the life of me, see the point) and future children will get double-barrelled with the explicit leeway to drop one or the other when they are adults.

Handbagsonnhold Tue 01-Oct-13 16:47:26

Hi op .....myself and partner are unmarried. Dd has both surnames hyphenated. My husband wanted his surname first and mine to follow but the registrar pointed out that it is actually correct to have the fathers name last.....we did this....as we both have quite posh sounding surnames!...we gave her just one short simple Christian name. However....it is all because I really wanted her to share my name also.....we only use the whole name on official stuff.... not day to day etc....I'm glad she has my name also.

WinteronPluto Wed 02-Oct-13 13:40:15

I am married but did not change my name. My DD has my husband's surname, as a double barrelled name seemed too long.

It doesn't bother me not having the same surname as she does, although apparently I could have problems taking her on holiday without DH unless I bring birth certificate.

Friends of mine who are not married have used both surnames but father's mother's as it followed better. She often just gets called by the mother's surname though as that is the last name that people see. I don't think it is hyphenated.

Sometimes I think I should have given DD my surname as a second middle name though.

Meglet Wed 02-Oct-13 13:45:16

XP wouldn't let me give the DC's my surname, or double barrel it sad. He was screaming abuse at me the day we went to the registry office so I had to suck it up and give them his bloody name.

They're stuck with a surname for a man they don't even know.

Fight your ground and give them your name.

ringaringarosy Thu 03-Oct-13 23:09:09

my 4 have my name and we are married,dh kept his own name,i would of been up for double barrel but he doesnt like them.

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