mum's surname or dad's?

(60 Posts)
lovelilies Thu 26-Sep-13 23:07:02

unmarried parents.. which surname will/have you given your dc?
I honestly have no idea what to do...sad

Quodlibet Sat 28-Sep-13 08:21:36

I was thinking along the same lines as Amanda. Surely one thing to consider is consistency for DD1 so she doesn't end up with a totally different name to the rest of the family. The easiest and fairest thing IMO would be to double-barrell the new baby. If you and DP marry in the future you can double-barrel if you want, but this way everyone still shares a name. (I'm not married and our baby will be Baby Hisname Myname when it is born). I also think the parent who pushes the child out of an oriface gets the final say on naming them.

sashh Sat 28-Sep-13 09:19:48

I think the first consideration is if wither of you have a name with the potential for embarrassment, one of my friends is name that is also used to mean 'penis', her son has his father's name just for this reason.

TalkativeJim Sat 28-Sep-13 23:51:09

As your first baby has your surname already, then DEFINITELY your name.

You are giving birth to this baby - you have as much right if not more for it to have your surname. Also, it quite simply makes more sense. I have read here several times people commenting on how silly it is really for the male surname to be the one carried down, given that in the event of a split over 90% of children end up living with their mother. If you want your baby to have your surname and that of her sister, just do it - it means that in the event of a split, you don't have a family of three with one child the odd one out. Also, this way, the siblings have an extra bond between them. Very important.

If your DP isn't happy, then there is his impetus to JOIN your family in marriage... and when you do, part of that can be all of you changing your names to a new family name. Perhaps his, perhaps yours, or more fairly a new either hyphenated or chosen name.

RoadToTuapeka Sat 28-Sep-13 23:56:57

One family I know gave the children their mother's surname and when the partners got married the husband took his wife's surname.

I am sure it is in Spain that children take the mother's surname. Why other's don't is down to convention.

Some of my DH's family were a bit funny about DS1 not having one of their side's names as a first name. Goodness he has their surname, was that not enough! Both my boys have a part of my surname (it's double barrelled) as middle names.

lovelilies Sun 29-Sep-13 09:06:22

Thank you all for your input, I definitely think this dc should have the same name as his/her sister, and mummy!
As you say, if/when we marry, we'll see but for now this dc is a little lilies grin

MyThumbsHaveGoneWeird Sun 29-Sep-13 21:00:57

I think if DP wants to all be the same as a family he should change his name to yours. Much more sensible than making your older daughter change hers.

Xenadog Sun 29-Sep-13 22:04:28

I like my surname (it's very anonymous) and will never change it if I ever get married. My LO will have DP's surname and it was a trade off as he got the surname and I got to choose the first name.

I have no desire to have the same surname as my child although I think I understand why some people want the family to all have the same surname or use a double barrel to create a sense of "familyness."

lovelilies Mon 30-Sep-13 14:37:19

DP won't change his name, he's a doctor and had stuff published so there's no chance he'd want to be Dr. love!

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Mon 30-Sep-13 14:39:40

He could do what thousands of women do and have a professional name and a private name.

Just sayin' like grin

Choccyhobnob Mon 30-Sep-13 15:22:40

Just from a childs point of view, my parents separated when I was 4, my brother was born when I was 7 and had my mum's new partners surname. They married a couple of years later and although now divorced my mum has kept that married surname. So I've always had a different surname from my brother and had a different surname from my mum for many years and it never bothered me or anything. May be different scenario though as my sister shares both parents and name and my dad has been in my life the whole time so was never the only one with a different name.

That was probably gobbledook wasn't it...

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Mon 30-Sep-13 15:57:02

I think it you are right that it probably feels different if you have your dad's name and love and see you dad. My friend's daughter had her mum's name, so once her mum ditched it she didn't share with either parent. sad

PLEASE PLEASE use your surname. You can change both yours and babies to his name when you get married. If hes on birth certificate why would it matter.

Im speaking feom personal experience where I am now marrying the father of my second child (and unborn one that im carrying) but my ex will not allow my dd to change her surname. She is really upset and stuck with a surname thay doesnt relate to me in anyway.

Thants Mon 30-Sep-13 18:05:32

Both your surnames or yours. If you get married don't change your name it's unnecessary and degrading.
I will definitely use mine and my partners surname.

motherinferior Mon 30-Sep-13 18:06:37

Yep, both or yours. What Thants said.

MERLYPUSS Mon 30-Sep-13 21:29:50

I'm married but didn't change my surname. DTs have my surname but DH's surname as a 2nd middle name. With 13 letters each it was too long to double barrel.

SkodaLabia Tue 01-Oct-13 09:50:10

DD has DP's surname, as the first name we loved doesn't work so well with mine. With hindsight, I wish we'd done the two surnames thing too, but I imagine it's a bit complicated on forms.

SoupDragon Tue 01-Oct-13 09:54:22

If you get married don't change your name it's unnecessary and degrading.

No it isn't degrading.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist Tue 01-Oct-13 10:03:42

My DD has DP's because it meant a lot to him for her to have his surname and I really wasn't that bothered about mine. I figure that at some point we'll get married so I'll have the same name then but it really doesn't bother me.

Thants Tue 01-Oct-13 13:36:17

Soupdragon:
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/mar/07/women-stop-changing-your-name-when-married

motherinferior Tue 01-Oct-13 14:17:46

I think rebranding yourself with some bloke's name is degrading...

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Tue 01-Oct-13 14:38:06

I don't find it degrading. I changed my name because I wanted my nuclear family to share a name - me, DH and future children. We could have both double barrelled or gone for a new family name, but quite frankly I couldn't be bothered. I don't see anything degrading about that. Yes, I was lazy, but I don't think I was degraded.

motherinferior Tue 01-Oct-13 15:03:16

Why didn't you go for yours? Why is it always women?

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Tue 01-Oct-13 15:08:13

Because, as I said, I was lazy. I can change my name quite easily. No one fusses. There is a process. DH would have to deed poll, endlessly explain to people, deal with the ongoing hurt and upset it would have caused his (traditional, older) parents. It was just a battle I chose not to fight. I do fight plenty of others.

I never felt particularly attached to my maiden name either. I read that article and I have to say I couldn't relate to the 'your name is your identity' stuff. My surname was common and boring and there were millions. My first name OTOH is unusual and interesting and very much me. If anyone addressed me as Mrs John P I would be furious. I also liked leaving my teenage name behind and not being traceable or linkable to that person very easily.

Mind you, I married in my 20's. If I were ever to marry again, I would not change my name now. It is the name of my children and I would never part with it (even if they choose to one day). If (v v unlikely) I had children in a new relationship, I would expect that child to have my name or might possibly be convinced to double barrel.

Thurlow Tue 01-Oct-13 15:18:20

Not having married or changed your name doesn't mean you're more likely to split up. Why do some people jump to that assumption? confused

motherinferior Tue 01-Oct-13 15:20:25

I supposed it's different for me as I have quite a distinctive name. Also I am ancient and come from the generation of 1980s feminists who were fairly appalled by the very idea of marriage.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now