Would it be heartless to use this name?

(97 Posts)
Iris1 Wed 15-May-13 19:58:37

So Im pregnant and mulling names - don't know the sex.
In a tough situation as my SIL has recently suffered two losses and its cut her up big time. I had a miscarriage myself but still feel so guilty about being pregnant when she's not.
Anyway for a girl I love the name Eliza, really truly love it have done for as long as I can remember. I have never spoken to SIL about the name Eliza but know if she had a daughter she would want Elizabeth as its a family names although she would use Betty all the time.
I would also want Elizabeth as I like full names but for the most part she would be Eliza.
Am I being heartless - is it horrible to consider using that name?
I feel it is and I already feel bad enough but cant shake it that I love the name Eliza. What if I never have another daughter and in future she has only son's so neither of us use it? I would be gutted.
Not sure what to do, the plan would be to broach it with her nearer the time if we decide we definitely want to use it but I dunno if I should just push it from my head.

Anyone ever had a similar situation?

Astley Thu 16-May-13 12:17:16

Eliza- just about ok. But with so many lovely names, it seems a little bit cruel.

Using Elizabeth seems wrong, just wrong. It's like shoving it in her face you had a healthy baby and she didn't. I can't imagine why anyone would do this unless they really wanted to upset the other person.

fluffymindy Thu 16-May-13 12:17:49

Just choose something else. FFS don't speak to her about it and make her make it OK for you. Just don't do it please.

everlong Thu 16-May-13 12:18:43

Quietlysuggest how do you think this will impact on the sil? Then the rest of the family?

Astley Thu 16-May-13 12:23:02

I think SIL from that moment on would know you didn't care a jot about her or her feelings!

CinnabarRed Thu 16-May-13 12:28:20

Eliza isn't one of the recognised diminutives of Elizabeth - it comes from a different derivation.

How about Elise? or Elisa?

DewDr0p Thu 16-May-13 12:32:48

I would also choose something else. There are so many gorgeous girl's names.

Why would you do that to your SIL?

I`m sure you could find another name, theres thousands out there.

Lavenderandlimes Thu 16-May-13 12:38:39

I actually completely disagree. Name your beautiful child whatever you want. If that's the name you love, that's the name you should use. You should have to, but you wouldn't actually have to tell everyone her full name is Elizabeth straight away anyway.

I don't understand this ownership of names thing at all.

KittenofDoom Thu 16-May-13 12:40:03

FFS people, these are two different names. Lighten up.

everlong Thu 16-May-13 12:42:03

It's not about ownership in this instance lavender it's about putting your SIL who is suffering ' big time ' from two miscarriages before your self.

everlong Thu 16-May-13 12:43:26

Two different names? No it's not.
Both women would want Elizabeth then a different nn.

squoosh Thu 16-May-13 12:43:31

It's not about 'ownership' it's about being demonstrating sensitivity to a close family member's feelings.

I definitely wouldn't use it and I certainly wouldn't broach the subject with her. What could the poor woman say except 'of course you can use it'.

Find another name.

MarthasHarbour Thu 16-May-13 12:45:59

Absolutely yes. It would be heartless. Use Eliza instead.

kitten the point is the OP is actually thinking of using Elizabeth. If she just uses Eliza it then yes i agree it becomes a completely different name.

Eliza is generally not a nickname for Elizabeth so why use Elizabeth if you dont intend to use it IYKWIM? Thus causing hurt for your SIL.

FWIW i have had two losses and the second was so late that we named him. I dont think for one minute that my DSis's or DSIL would use his name but if they did i would be hurt

JojoMags Thu 16-May-13 12:49:01

I am lucky to have had 3 gorgeous boys but part of me still would have liked a girl. My girls name has been the same for 6 years since DS1 was conceived and its close to my heart. Even though we don't want another baby, I would still resent it if my SIL had a daughter and used the name. Not rational, but lots of family emotions aren't. Your situation is a thousand times more emotional, so I would steer clear.

Don't feel guilty about having a baby though. You are giving your SIL a niece or nephew, which can be such a lovely relationship, especially if you are close. Just be sensitive and don't make it unnecessarily hard for her.

Floggingmolly Thu 16-May-13 12:50:46

No, don't. If it's the name of the baby your SIL lost; it would be extremely crass and hurtful to do this. There are millions of names to choose from.

brdgrl Thu 16-May-13 12:53:31

Heartless, sorry. Well, thoughtless and lacking in understanding, anyway.

I had a mc...years ago. In my mind, I'd named that child, and that name is still her name, the name of my lost baby. When I became pregnant again myself, that name was already 'used'.

If my sisters or close friends, knowing the name I'd given my child already, used that name for their own living child, I would feel it like a slap in the face.

The ONLY way this woudl be ok IMHO is if you senistively asked and were given her enthusiastic permission to use the name as a sort of tribute to the baby she lost - not simply because you like the name - and you would have to genuinely mean it that way, which isn't the case here, is it?

Sorry, I think you need to let that name go.

petra27 Thu 16-May-13 12:55:05

As someone who has lost four and watched her SIL have two in that time, I would say that from that POV it would be a real kindness on your part to not mention it to her but quietly choose a different name.

brdgrl Thu 16-May-13 12:56:28

I'm sorry, petra.

RooneyMara Thu 16-May-13 12:56:59

I'd put the decision on hold...how long do you have left? could she become pg again within that time? that would change the dynamic a bit.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Thu 16-May-13 12:58:58

Gosh, what a tricky one. What does your DP think? Is he SIL's brother? I think you need to agree what to do with him first, as it's not just your decision, and he might be able to gauge SIL's potential reaction better.

Names are such a personal thing but if you've had this name picked out for years, you shouldn't have to change it. How do you know SIL wouldn't have used a different name in the event that things had been different? And it sounds like the two cousins would have been known as different nicknames anyway.

I guess only you can know how your SIL will react/feel to the news - but equally, you and your DH have the right to name your child wha you like.

Such a hard decision.

EuroShaggleton Thu 16-May-13 13:00:23

2 questions:

1. would you want your SIL to feel worse than she already does?
2. do you think that using this name would make her feel worse?

Think these through and you should have your answer.

squoosh Thu 16-May-13 13:00:24

Is it really a hard decision??

Kendodd Thu 16-May-13 13:02:15

I wouldn't use it, I wouldn't even ask her if she minded if you used it. As somebody said up thread, what could she say apart from 'yes, you can use it'.

Tournament Thu 16-May-13 13:08:00

I don't think it's a tricky one and I don't think whether or not OP's DSIL has a successful pregnancy in the future is at all relevant.

Your SIL is in a lot of pain. It will be bad enough for her that you are pregnant. It's not even that it's "her" name (it's not) it's just that it will increase her pain. If you still need to think about it, I'm glad I'm not your SIL.

chicaguapa Thu 16-May-13 13:09:16

I think a name is just a name and that if you look hard enough you'll find another one that you like just as much.

It doesn't really compare with the heartbreak of having had two mc imo. Elizabeth most probably represents the memory of your SIL's unborn babies to her and is more than just a name. Your DD will exist and what name she has will end up being so secondary to her actually being real, iyswim?

Maybe you could use Eliza as your DD's middle name? I think it would be the nicest thing to do in this situation. If you were having a boy, you'd have had to have found another name anyway. HTH.

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