Would it be heartless to use this name?

(97 Posts)
Iris1 Wed 15-May-13 19:58:37

So Im pregnant and mulling names - don't know the sex.
In a tough situation as my SIL has recently suffered two losses and its cut her up big time. I had a miscarriage myself but still feel so guilty about being pregnant when she's not.
Anyway for a girl I love the name Eliza, really truly love it have done for as long as I can remember. I have never spoken to SIL about the name Eliza but know if she had a daughter she would want Elizabeth as its a family names although she would use Betty all the time.
I would also want Elizabeth as I like full names but for the most part she would be Eliza.
Am I being heartless - is it horrible to consider using that name?
I feel it is and I already feel bad enough but cant shake it that I love the name Eliza. What if I never have another daughter and in future she has only son's so neither of us use it? I would be gutted.
Not sure what to do, the plan would be to broach it with her nearer the time if we decide we definitely want to use it but I dunno if I should just push it from my head.

Anyone ever had a similar situation?

Wouldntyouliketoknow Wed 15-May-13 20:04:48

I would perhaps mention it, but only when you know you're definitely having a girl (or are you deliberately not finding out the sex?).

If she's desperate for it/uncomfortable with you using it, then I'd probably just let her have it tbh.

Pouncer1 Wed 15-May-13 20:08:45

I wouldn't use it...I hope she will have her own baby very soon.

Smartiepants79 Wed 15-May-13 20:09:30

Does it have to be Elizabeth? Just Eliza on is own would perhaps be less upsetting?
Middle name?

I wouldn't use it. There are plenty of other names.

iwantavuvezela Wed 15-May-13 20:15:22

I think the timing is wrong if your sil has just gone through two miscarriages ..... It would hurt her very much. Miscarriages, or mine, led me to have plenty irrational thoughts, and that would have hurt me deeply. However, if I was having a successful pregnancy or had a child, it would not have mattered.....

sleepingbeautiful Wed 15-May-13 22:55:22

As she will be the baby's auntie, and there are very delicate feelings involved, no I would not use it. It's just a name. For the sake of harmony there are many other lovely names you can pick.

Tournament Wed 15-May-13 22:59:13

You really need to get over it and chose another name imo

LazyMonkeyButler Wed 15-May-13 23:02:21

Personally, I would speak to her & gauge her reaction. I also don't follow with the trend of giving a baby a long name you don't intend to use, so would be asking if using Eliza was OK with her - not the full Elizabeth (which is an entirely different name IMHO).

I would think that having an Eliza and an Elizabeth (known as Betty) as cousins would be entirely workable - have two Elizabeths would clearly be more tricky.

KittenofDoom Wed 15-May-13 23:02:37

I'm always the first to frown at people not giving full names eg Tom not Thomas or Kate not Katherine. But I have always perceived Eliza as a name in its own right. Obviously it can be a shortening of Elizabeth, but it is a very long established standalone name.

So I think you would be fine in calling your daughter Eliza, especially as if your SIL has an Elizabeth, she will use another diminutive.

Somethingtothinkabout Wed 15-May-13 23:03:29

She doesn't 'only have sons' though, if the baby she lost was a little girl, them that little girl's name was Elizabeth. It would be hurtful to pay otherwise.

I think the only way you can use it is if you speak to her first and she's ok with it, and you only use Eliza, not Elizabeth, even on the birth cert.

I don't think you should though.

Scruffey Wed 15-May-13 23:12:44

I wouldn't use it.

If you still really want to, I would find out whether you are expecting a girl or a boy. If you are having a boy, you can out this issue to bed straight away. I think it would be awful to broach this with her if you don't know the sex - you may upset her needlessly. If you know you're having a girl, at least there would be some point to the conversation, but as I said before I do think it's a no no.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 15-May-13 23:39:34

Oh dear I can see how awkward this is. My gut reaction is please wait at least until you have learned whether you're expecting a girl or boy. Sadly you will know the depth of SIL's losses and how she could be hoping for her next chance to use that name. It's not horrible to still dream of using a name you both happen to like and you'll be sensitive to how you work this out.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Thu 16-May-13 00:45:05

The thing is, you can ask, and she might say yes (if she's in any way an empathetic, nice person) simply to please you ... but it's potentially forever a sore spot in your relationship with her.

Is it worth it?

It's the sort of thing - seemingly incredibly inconsequential and petty when looked at out of context - that can drive a tiny, irreparable wedge in your relationship.

Again, is it worth it?

Personally, I wouldn't use it. There are zillions and zillions of beautiful names out there for you to choose from. Surely, between you and your husband, you can find one you both love that isn't going to be a potential cause of pain to your SIL.

Startail Thu 16-May-13 00:52:08

I could never use my DGrandfather's name as I know my DSIS as always intended to.

In fact she has never had DC and I have DDs.

Decoy Thu 16-May-13 09:56:26

I'm usually in the "No-one owns a name" camp but in this instance I'd think twice.

meditrina Thu 16-May-13 10:06:23

I wouldn't use it in these circumstances.

monica77798 Thu 16-May-13 11:04:13

If your SIL had not miscarried and had had a daughter and named her Elizabeth and then you had a daughter after that, would you have called her Eliza? If yes then I don't think you should change it to something else. It is a name you have had your heart set on for a long time. Maybe just stick with Eliza though rather than using it as a shortened version of Elizabeth. You could call your (potential) daughter something else and then your SIL never has a daughter.

lollypopsicle Thu 16-May-13 11:15:18

What decoy said.

thegreylady Thu 16-May-13 11:34:35

I had two cousins named Margaret-similar ages and it was never a problem.Eliza and Betty are completely different names but if I were in your position I would use Eliza rather than Elizabeth.

JennyEnglish Thu 16-May-13 12:10:41

I wouldn't. YOU will have a BABY, so let her have what is just a name

brew

JennyEnglish Thu 16-May-13 12:13:09

What decoy says. Normally I'd say Elizabeth is a popular name, it's a classic name, a family name for lots of people, but in your shoes, I'd want my poor sil to think that I was sensitive enough to her circumstances to want to do anything I could do (which is very little really) to avoid compounding it.

quietlysuggests Thu 16-May-13 12:15:54

I would use it. With baby names I think dont say anything to anyone and then call your baby what you want.
She hasn't actually SAID that its "her" name.
You are just feeling bad for her in general.
Have your baby, put Elizabeth on the birth cert, send round the announcement text "Baby Eliza has arrived", introduce your SIL to Eliza, and dont make some fuss over "Oh gosh sorry but I have an actual baby so I took the name I think you may have wanted"
Eliza and Betty are NOT the same name.
(I also think the trend for calling a child one name and then putting a completely unrelated name on the birthcert is silly and if I were you I would call her Eliza and name her Eliza too!)

everlong Thu 16-May-13 12:16:01

No it would be cruel to use Eliza.

You're just going to have to live with the fact you can't have it.

quietlysuggests Thu 16-May-13 12:16:43

Or name her Eliza Beth Surname and call her Eliza.

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