Naming new dc after dc that died....

(67 Posts)
Adviceinscotland Mon 07-Jan-13 14:35:48

Sorry for the depressing topic but looking for a bit of advice.

Lost a baby last year early in pregnancy, dh and I and a couple of others know the sex but I did not want anyone else to know at that time. Only dh and I know what the baby was called.

Am now 7 months pg and think I am having the same sex again, i would love to give this dc their older siblings name as a middle name but not sure if it's weird or not?

The name won't be used everyday (are any middle names) but as all my dc's middle names are after people in the family i know people will ask why we chose this name.

I'm totally comfortable with telling people now why the name means so much to us but I'm worried people will find it weird/morbid and that I may somehow cause a negative impact on my new dc, perhaps thinking older dc was wanted more than them or something (obviously not)

Am i totally overthinking this? Or would you think it was weird? It does mean a lot to me but not if i might be causing problems for new dc.

Tommy Mon 07-Jan-13 16:55:47

my DS3's middle name is the name we had chosen for the baby I miscarried. If anyone asked, I just told them that's who we named him after - not an issue I don't think.
Good luck!

TheKindnessOfStrangers Mon 07-Jan-13 16:57:09

I think as a middle name it's fine. You might find this article interesting: www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/18/replacement-child-sister-accident

Missy, that sounds lovely, as does your DS.
It is such a personal choice, naming your child, isn't it? Personally, I feel there is a huge difference between a first and a middle name, too tbh.

Greensleeves Mon 07-Jan-13 17:01:48

I think this is the kind of decision which is so deeply personal that it is impossible for anyone to advise usefully.

As to how the child will feel about it later- well, that I think depends on the wider relationship and how secure that child is. In some families the child would feel like second best and in some families feel like they were the most precious and honoured person in the world to have been given that name. And if a child feels second best to a sibling, deceased or otherwise, that is because of other more important factors, NOT the name they were given.

ErikNorseman Mon 07-Jan-13 17:06:26

My friend did that, I think it's lovely.

elliejjtiny Mon 07-Jan-13 17:17:07

So sorry about your baby OP. I am currently pregnant with DC4. I miscarried last year and if this baby is a girl she will have the first and middle name we would have used for DS3 or the miscarried baby. If this baby is a boy he will have the middle name we originally chose for our miscarried baby but we have chosen a new first name.

extracrunchy Mon 07-Jan-13 17:17:12

I think it's a lovely idea in theory, but I think in practice I'd worry that new DC would be "not passed away DC" every time the name was used, if you know what I mean? It's a nice way of remembering the DC you lost, but I reckon your new DC deserves his own name. Maybe you could have it as a middle name?

extracrunchy Mon 07-Jan-13 17:18:19

Argh I just read your post properly! DUH sorry... Definitely a lovely idea! Sorry for being an idiot grin

babaloulou Mon 07-Jan-13 19:21:18

I think it is lovely idea and we will be doing exactly the same. We lost our ds 35 weeks into my pregnancy and will be using his first name as our new dc middle name. We didn't even consider it not being the right thing to do. Actually I have many angel mummy friends who have/ will do the same so not an unusual thing to do ime.

wigglesrock Mon 07-Jan-13 19:40:51

I have quite a few friends sad who have done this. They have used the older siblings first name as the babys middle name. All the children know that they are called after their big sister/brother who died. I wouldn't even think twice about it about it, if its what you want.

PIL named SIL after their DD1 who died aged 1. (first name, not middle name). It's a beautiful name and it never caused any 'problems'.

BlackSwan Mon 07-Jan-13 20:35:44

I'm guessing that for most children, learning that they were named after a sibling who passed away is likely to give rise to some confused feelings and be upsetting - after all, it is their identity. So unless you are firm in your commitment to never let anyone else know, I wouldn't do it.

Yika Mon 07-Jan-13 20:38:03

Similar situation here. My dd has as a middle name the short form/nn of her brother (XP's son) who died as a young adult the week before she was born.

Various people close to me have commented that it may be a 'burden' on her but I don't find it so. She is only 2 so time will tell. She also has another middle name, so the effect is quite diluted.

I like it that she has a link with her brother.

DifferentNow Mon 07-Jan-13 20:40:47

As a middle name, I think it's a lovely idea. I wish you well in you pregnancy.

babaloulou Mon 07-Jan-13 20:47:23

I do not understand how it can be a burden on a child as a middle name. As someone else said earlier if the child feels this way there must be other factors involved. Our son will always be our son and part our family so no secrets or surprises as he will always be included when talking about our family dianamics.
Wishing you all the best OP, you go with what is right for your family.

EugenesAxe Mon 07-Jan-13 20:59:35

I don't think it weird at all; I think it's lovely and if it were me I'd be touched/proud to have it in my name (when I was old enough to understand!). I don't know why really.

pinkandyellowbutterfly Mon 07-Jan-13 22:40:54

You've obviously been through a very tough time, so sorry to hear that and congratulations on your new little miracle :-) I think the people around you will be just so thrilled for you when the baby is born, that whatever name is right for you will seem like the perfect choice to everybody else too. There is no right or wrong with how you choose to cope with what's happened or how you choose to honour your lost little one. Its totally up to you, be proud and confident with what you decide and no doubt your child will love it too x

Leafmould Mon 07-Jan-13 23:01:21

A friend has his older siblings names who died in an accident as his middle names. This hasn't worked for him, because his mum hadn't got over the tragedy, and had real difficulty in bringing him up in a balanced way.

I think this is what it comes down to: if you have grieved, and can do it in a celebratory spirit it can work.

Haberdashery Mon 07-Jan-13 23:09:25

Oh please don't. I have a dead older half-sibling's name as a middle name. There are several complicating factors but I resent it BITTERLY and feel really angry about it all.

louisianablue2000 Mon 07-Jan-13 23:18:59

My grandparents did this, they lost a son in infancy, and then used his name as one of my Mum's middle names. Mum didn't know about her brother until she was 17 (people didn't talk about babies that died back then, he doesn't even have a grave!) but the name was a family (sur)name anyway so it wasn't surprising to her that she had a 'boys' name, and I think she still views it as having the family name rather than being named after her dead brother.

Autumnalis Mon 07-Jan-13 23:19:16

We did this with middle name. Seems a nice way to carry on the memory without being too intrusive. Few people make the connection as few people know DD's middle name or, sadly, remember our stillborn son's name.

Sallyann - I think we might have been on a different forum together many years ago.

confuddledDOTcom Mon 07-Jan-13 23:21:20

We did it. I had a middle name (well two) chosen but I didn't feel it was right to give this name to the baby we had lost - birth and death so the name is officially registered. We chose one of the names as a first name because it is a variation of Mum's name. When our second daughter was born the following year she got the middle names we had chosen already.

I don't think there's anything wrong with it and I think people would understand. What might be weirder is what happened to someone we know, his older brother died of SIDS and he was given the complete same name as his brother!

thegreylady Tue 08-Jan-13 18:36:06

If it feels right it is right.I think it is a lovely idea.

Ellypoo Tue 08-Jan-13 19:46:26

To me, middle names are to remember people - family members etc.

Therefore, I think it's really nice to give this DC your other DC's name as a middle name.

My DD1 died, and if we have another girl this time, she will have DD1's name as a middle name. I don't think it's weird at all, nice to have that connection I think, and another friend of mine who lost their DS1 at birth has given DS2 DS1's name as a middle name.

Hulababy Tue 08-Jan-13 19:50:17

I think it would be ok, a nice thing to do - and a name with a real meaning for you and the new baby.

It was very common in history. Been doing my family tree and it was very much the norm to use a lost baby/child's name for another sibling - as both a middle name or a first name even.

Sorry for your previous loss.

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