Termination for medical reasons - where?

[Umnitsa]

Four days ago my life turned upside down. Harmony test for our long-awaited IVF baby indicates Trisomy 21, CVS result due tomorrow but Prof Nikoaedes is pretty sure the diagnosis will be confirmed.

I am living in purgatory. We decided to terminate. My hospital has no listings in the next week so they recommended I do it via Mary Stopes or BPAS. I am booked in a BPAS clinic for Monday, but a friend strongly suggested that i should look for a private gynecologist in Harley street used to dealing with high risk pregnancies and older mothers rather than go to a walk in clinic where most terminations are done for social rather than medical reasons.

Now I am even more worried. Obviously, doctors working in those clinics are also incredibly professional given the sheer volume of abortions they perform, but is their level of expertise and technique likely to be the same as that of a gynecologist in a leading hospital? Would you go to Mary Stopes or BPAS if you had fertility issues and were planning to TTC again after the termination, and were concerned that less than impeccable technique could jeopardize any further chances of pregnancy?

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

I'm sorry for your loss. I can't comment re your fertility issues either, but a termination is a termination; personally (and I don't share your experience, so feel free to ignore me) I'd sooner go with the clinic which has done many terminations (some of which will have been for your reasons) than the Harley Street "specialist" who may only be hiring rooms and have no actual experience.

Again, I'm very sorry that you find yourself in this position.

[Umnitsa]

Thank you, OldLadyKnowsNothing. I tend to think the same way, it's just being so distraught about the enormity of the decision to terminate we didn't put any thought in the details of termination, so the friend's advice put me even more out of kilter.
Thank you for taking time to respond.

[Quangle]

Umnitsa so sorry to hear this. Have been through exactly the same (even down to same prof). I went to BPAS at 16 weeks. It was absolutely fine. I really don't think you need a private gynae. I was just desperate to get it done but obviously also to protect future fertility. They do this all day every day and are probably more expert in this than a private gynae.

I went on to have two DCs and those dark days are far behind me now. Wishing you strength for the next few days. x

[Umnitsa]

I am so sorry for your loss, Quangle. Nothing prepares you for it, does it. I am so happy to hear you had two happy healthy children after that, that's my biggest fear - going through it again, creating another life and possibly stopping it from being if the tests are similar. But everyone says we should perservere and try get pregnant again as soon as possible...

Thank you for your reassurance re BPAS and your kind wishes.

[Quangle]

It was the worst thing that's ever happened to me and afterwards I cried for a month without stopping. I'd already had two MCs so it felt like a never ending story of loss.. But amazingly DD was born less than a year after the termination - she was premature but absolutely fine. And DS two years after that. They are my joy and I never think about all the sadness now - except when I want to share with someone going through something similar that I did find myself a future and they will too.

That's why I tell people. I hope all goes well for you at the clinic and you make a quick recovery. Please do pm me if you want to know anything more. You will get through this and find your future.

[Umnitsa]

Thank you Quangle. Once we made the decision I've been weirdly calm during the day, busying myself with work stuff, chatting to our house guest etc. And at night I keep thinking about my little baby, I talk to her in my mind, telling how much I love her, apologising for the unforgivable and just crying... And after Monday I've no idea how I'll deal with the void. Our DD1 is my saving grace, keeping me sane and bringing joy with everything she is and does.

Your story gives me hope. Thank you for sharing it, it must be so difficult to stir those embers of pain, but yes, we will get through it and find our future. Thank you for your wise words.

[lbmum]

I am so sorry you are in this position, it brings it all back to me from over a year ago. IF the results come back positive for DS I do hope you may find consolation in my experiences. If it is any consolation I think you have made the right choice not going with Marie Stopes. I had my TFMR with them and it was atrocious. They treated me like all the other ladies in there who were purely using it as a means for contraception, not for someone who did not want to say goodbye to their precious and much wanted baby. I was put in a communal room with all the other women without my husband where I had to take the pills and recover afterwards. It was truly the worst day of my life and has haunted me daily since. Even though you have to make this terrible decision that no mum should ever have to make you have a right to be treated with compassion and an awareness of grief for your child. I wish you so much love, you will get through this. Contact the charity ARC and get added to the TFMR forum, that has been my absolute rock as there are so many ladies there who suffer this silently and being able to speak freely about it is such a help. You feel like you are so alone in this journey but you are not, please contact ARC, the ladies there are wonderful. xxx

[Quangle]

lbmum I'm sorry you've been through this too. I had the same experience (can't remember if it was Marie Stopes or BPAS) although to be honest, that didn't worry me at all. I felt well looked after and cared for and the fact that other women were there for other reasons if anything made me feel more normal about the whole thing although I can completely understand how you felt. I suppose I wanted to be very invisible and anonymous through the whole thing and I didn't want anyone to specifically get involved in my situation so in a way that helped me cope. I didn't like having to talk to the drs about my reasons - but that's the law and they were clearly just wanting to do it properly without making me jump through too many hoops. I really sympathise with your feelings on this but just wanted to share that I think they are all like this so choosing one over another wouldn't change that.

What did upset me was having anti-abortion people outside the clinic. They didn't speak to me but were having a silent vigil. My sister gave them what for though.

I'm just sharing this umnitsa in case you encounter the same. It's all over now and a long way behind me. Wishing you lots of strength for the journey ahead and hope life is looking up for you now lbmum

[Umnitsa]

Lbmum, I am sorry you had such a horrendous time. I had it done today in BPAS and had a similar experience. I could deal with the fact it felt a little like a conveyor belt, with many women seemingly treating it as fairly routine procedure. What made me very upset was how the centre handled my request to give me the remains of the baby as I wanted to have some sort of a service and burial, to honour at least in this inadequate way the daughter we created and loved. They explained the protocol using funeral parlours etc, but apparently did not make any record in my notes. When I checked again during the discharge it turned out they had already disposed of the baby...

It is done now. I feel numb and empty. Did I just dream the whole thing? And then I will wake up from this nightmare and things will be normal again?..

Thank you for your support, Quangle and LBmum. Have signed up for the ARC forum as well.

[Quangle]

umnitsa I'm sorry they couldn't honour your wishes properly. Paperwork really should not be the reason that something so important gets overlooked.

Hoping that you are getting some rest and peace to recover and heal. This is a truly horrible trauma to go through but you will get through it and yes you will feel better one day and able to look to your future again. Qx