I'm not sure I should start this thread, but am having a massive panic and have no one to talk to

(64 Posts)
AngryBeaver Sun 14-Oct-12 09:14:57

Some of you may remember my other thread. Missed mc in Sept last year. Pregnant few months later. After lots of stressful weeks, we had the amnio and found that our little girl had Downs. We said goodbye to her on July 12th when I was 18 weeks. Worst time of my life.
I am now 6 weeks pregnant and was feeling quite happy about things.
I was feeling that it couldn't happen agin,we wouldn't be that unlucky.
But now I am having a huge flap. I have started to believe that it is going to happen again. I really think it will, I can almost hear the voice on the end of the phone saying it all again.
I can't talk to dh about this as he wasn't sure about trying again anyway and I don't want to stress him out.
I have no one to talk to about it here (abroad) and my rl friends aren't answering...help?

MarchelineWhatNot Sun 14-Oct-12 09:16:08

How old are you, AngryBeaver?

AngryBeaver Sun 14-Oct-12 09:21:14

I was 35 last week

AngryBeaver Sun 14-Oct-12 10:01:48

Ohhhh, no one about to give me some info?!

Rosebud05 Sun 14-Oct-12 10:06:33

Hi there,

I'm very sorry to hear about your losses.

Unfortunately, there's no way of getting away from the trauma that you went through very recently. It's absolutely normal in these circumstances to be convinced that the worst will happen again because you've had no other outcome yet.

Try having a look on the ARC website and give them a call tomorrow.

www.arc-uk.org/

Sands may also be of help - they also have an online forum and support line.

www.uk-sands.org/

Best of luck

AngryBeaver Sun 14-Oct-12 10:12:30

I looked at ARC during The Awful Time.
I suppose I just want someone to tell me that it won't happen again.
I know no one can do that really.
I just need to hear it.
I am seeing the midwife on tuesday and am going to ask that they sort out a cvs as soon as they can. They were really shit here last time, and I felt completely unsupported. I have no family here. My dh works long hours, and oly gets in at around 10.30/11pm.
I am just desperate for it to be okay this time. I know I am in for a long wait. That was so hard last time. All the tests and scans, and then that awful awful waiting, where you feel like you can't breathe properly. I feel that again right now

MarchelineWhatNot Sun 14-Oct-12 10:13:48

AngryBeaver, I can completely understand how concerned you are given what has happened in the past. I think you have been extremely unlucky. The chances of you having another Downs baby are very slim indeed. And hopefully that fear will go away after your Nuchal scan.

SwimmingLikeADuck Sun 14-Oct-12 10:16:58

Ahh, sounds incredibly stressful, no advice Im afraid, but sending you some positive thoughts. Bumping for you.

AngryBeaver Sun 14-Oct-12 10:20:47

I made the mistake of googling today. And then trawling this board to see if anyone had experienced similar. That is what kicked of this panic. I was quietly confident that it would be alright this time, that I had had my fair share of horrific things. Then I read a thread where this had happened to someone twice, and then a poster came on and said, yes, it has happened to me and more people that you woould think, we believe there is a link.
And now I am in a tailspin

Rosebud05 Sun 14-Oct-12 10:21:06

Yes, you're right - no-one can guarantee that everything will go well this time, and living with that uncertainty is exhausting and like being on an emotional roller coaster.

One area of your life that you can do something about is feeling unsupported. I found speaking to people on the helplines at ARC and SANDS very helpful when our dd died, during my next pregnancies and afterwards - would this be something that you'd consider?

I'm not sure of the earliest that they can do a CVS, but a date for that will give you something to aim for, however anxiety fuelled it is.

The odds are in your favour this time around, so do remind yourself of that.

It is a long wait, although taking one step at a time ie just focus on midwife appointment for now and what you want to get out of that, then the CVS etc helps. Some PTAs have peri-natal counselling services - could you ask the midwife what support is available for bereaved parents expecting another baby?

Rosebud05 Sun 14-Oct-12 10:22:53

Oh, and try not to Google. I completely understand the urge - especially when you're unsupported in RL - but it can be pretty overwhelming.

Days of panic and being convinced that it will all happen again are completely normal in your circumstances, of course.

AngryBeaver Sun 14-Oct-12 10:48:18

Dh has just come in and his best advice was "just try to stay neutral"...not going to happen. I have already started thinking of names, although I treid to stop myself sad
I will definitely stop googling and try and concentrate on Tuesdays meeting

manitz Sun 14-Oct-12 11:10:18

hi angrybeaver. congratulations on your pregnancy. we spoke before when you were waiting for results in June. I expect it is really hard as you are so close in time to what happened before. It took me a good six months to even consider living again let alone dealing with another pregnancy (I was desperate to be pregnant but it took a while to happen).

I suppose as one of those who has had two terminations I am not a great comfort to you but mine were for two unrelated reasons and apart from me being older I really don't think there was a connection (first for hlhs and second because of downs). I have also been through two pregnancies since my first termination which resulted in two happy and healthy little boys.

The only way i got through pregnancy following the shock and grief of termination was to take it step by step. I tried to enjoy the pregnancy itself rather than the possibility of a baby, dealing with each test and obstacle as it happened. Like you say concentrate on the meeting on Tuesday but dont try and think beyond or you will go mad. And get busy, plan holidays, go on days out, get into work if you have a job. Just distract yourself as much as possible.

Sorry probably not much help but you will get through this. x

katiecubs Sun 14-Oct-12 14:17:28

Hi Angry - am so sorry for both your losses, i know it's a terrible time and it's very hard to think positively but please try and take one day at a time and remember that the odds are still very much on your side.

If you see the pregnant or ttc after a termination for abnormalities thread you will see a huge list of babies born to ladies (inc myself) who have had one or more losses. I hope this gives you hope - and congratulations! x

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lotsofcheese Sun 14-Oct-12 18:03:20

Angrybeaver I'm so sorry you've had such a tough time. It's a sad thing when you can't feel positive or confident about a pregnancy.

I'm in the same situation - currently 9 weeks (I hope) after a premature birth due to early PE, molar pregnancy & mmc. An early scan has given me fleeting reassurance but back to square one now.

My mindset is that I don't expect things to go right. And rather bizarrely, that helps. My expectations are zero. So I can't be disappointed. I am fully prepared if/when it goes wrong. I have no hopes. Which is very sad, but I think that mindset protects me.

I really hope it works out for you; you've had so much already

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AngryBeaver Sun 14-Oct-12 19:27:13

Thank you all .
Hello maninz, I do remember your posts, vaguely, through the fog. Thank you for the support, then and now.
I am a little calmer this morning. I think the long evenings alone do not help. Too much time to think.
The general consensus seems to be then, not to think about an actual baby. I am really trying to do this but I think, even after everything, although I tell dh "There won't be a baby, it will all go wrong again" I am an optimist, and part of me says it's going to be fine. That this time I'll leave hospital with my baby like all the other new mums.
I know it's dangerous to think like that. It will do me a great deal of harm, mentally, if I don't prepare myself for the devastation.
I just want to fast forward to the cvs results.

ghislaine Sun 14-Oct-12 20:09:58

I'm afraid once you have been through it once there is always the fear that it might happen it again. i don't know how anyone could get away from that. The only comfort, I think, (and it's an odd sort of comfort) is that if it does happen it again it won't be as bad as the first time because you have already lost that pregnancy = baby mindset. "Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, and take what comes" is how I got through it.

Can you do things that might help you feel a bit more in control? I think the earliest you can have cvs is 11+0 (that's when I think I had mine in my second pregnancy). Is there is sympathetic GP or supervisor of midwives you can speak to about your fears? I hope the midwife you're going to see is understanding, it makes a big difference.

sarahmia Sun 14-Oct-12 20:30:35

Hi beaver
I just want to tell you that I kind of know how your feeling, we had two pregnancies that ended in a loss due to a chromosomal defect. I was pregnant a month later and spent my entire pregnancy worried. I would hve easier days and harder days. My baby was born 14 months ago perfectly healthy and perfect. 4 months later I got pregnant again (oops!) and I'm now lying next to another healthy little girl. But hun the fear never goes away. I was in the same hospital in labour this time as I was when I lost one of my pregnancies and they started taking me to the same room and I started screaming... Couldn't bear to go into that room... The memories of how you felt will never fully go away they will just fade with time. There is no reason this pregnancy shouldn't end in a healthy baby but you won't fully believe that until your holding your baby. You just have to learn to deal with your feelings. Almond croissants helped ;) xx

AngryBeaver Sun 14-Oct-12 21:12:26

My gp is very lovely. But things are different here. Midwives are like a totally separate organisation. They have their own offices "Midwives 'r' us"! and you get the leaflet or look online at their pics and info and then choose which one you would like to use. They are with you throughout the pregnancy and attend the birth.
Last time was just horrendous. There was a total communication breakdown between the gp, the midwife,the hospital and me...an archaic computer system that doesnt let one health authority access another. It was utterly ridiculoous and only added to the already hellish time. It was me on the phone everyday chasing, scans,appointments and results. And then the hospital secretary kept ringing re immigration, when I needed to keep the line free for the amnio results, when my midwife had all the paperwork and could have told them anything they needed to know.
How I wished I was in England.
It was just horrific.
I am dreading all that again on top of everything else

manitz Sun 14-Oct-12 21:32:45

Hi I'm not sure that England is so great. With my first termination I was shuffled between hospitals and had to do some of the faxing for them. Was sent for my termination at 25 weeks and they didn't ahve the faxt from my hospital so was sent home and had to wait three more days. Was really bad. I suppose the good thing is that what I was doing was out of the ordinary so harder to deal with.
do you knit? it's how i get through a lot of times when I don't want to think much.
ghislaine is right, dont expect much (even good admin) and maybe it wont be so bad. sending you good thoughts x

AngryBeaver Sun 14-Oct-12 21:46:55

Well that does sound awful manitz. I assumed the cock up's were because I am in such a small country with so few people. I had to travel 3 hours (to a major city) for the amnio, as I think I mentioned and that hospital had no communication with the local hospital where I eventually had the termination.
I just pressumed that would never happen in UK. I have always had very good care there,couldn't fault them really.
So sorry that you had to experience that atop of everything else. Awful.
No I will stop expecting a good outcome. Prepare for the worst x

manitz Sun 14-Oct-12 21:50:02

hey it's ok, it was 5 years ago. Just didn't want you to idealise uk. I have also had some excellent,compassionate service. It's just we are out of the system as the majority of pregnancies go well. x

AngryBeaver Mon 15-Oct-12 01:11:04

I think that is a part of it. My midwife says I was an "unusaul" case. I think they are probably fine at run of the mill pregnancy, and then catching the baby. But anything out of the ordinary and they are clueless. I am really worrying about what I will be faced with this time. It would have been so much easier to bear if I had someone that was ontop of things and fighting my corner.
I am just feeling I have made a mistake doing this again,I don't know if I can face all this again so soon

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