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Antenatal tests

Termination just because we don't want another child

32 replies

VikingVagine · 26/09/2012 08:33

I recently found out I'm pregnant. I already have two children, DH and I had come to the descision that we don't want any more.

I had the Mirena coil removed in the spring after two years of awful thrush. I wanted DH to get the snip but he thought it was too drastic. I didn't want to take any form of hormonal contraception, so we were using condoms and "being careful".

Obviously we weren't careful enough. DH initially said no way, but because I wasn't sure about what I wanted to do, he agreed to support my descision whatever it was.

I have been going round in circles. Part of me would love another baby, and at one point I had decided to keep it. Then, a few nights ago it started raining heavily and a damp spot appeared on the ceiling above our bed, reminding me we still have an awful lot of (expensive) work to do on the house.

It just clicked, I can't have another child now. It wouldn't be fair on anybody.

I phoned the family planning center this morning to find out what I had to do (I'm in France by the way). The lady told me to go to my GP to get a prescription for a scan so they can date the pregnancy, before going to a clinic for the actual termination.

I just need to find the courage to face my GP and tell him I want a termination despite there being no medical reason, or even any good reason other than being selfish. He's going to judge me. The person who does the scan is going to judge me. Their people at the clinic are going to judge me. I'm judging myself.

I'm trying to be strong here, but it's not working.

OP posts:

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TanteRose · 26/09/2012 08:45

have a hug, first of all

they won't judge - you don't want another child, and it sounds as if it would be emotionally detrimental to you if you decided to go ahead with the pregnancy.

that is good enough reason to terminate.

have you read Caitlin Moran writing about her termination? its in her book (how to be a woman), I think

sending you strength...

InfinityWelcomesCarefulDrivers · 26/09/2012 08:48

This is what Choice is about. If you want a terminatiiin because its the best thing you do not have to justify yourself or be judged. Do what is best for you and your family x

InfinityWelcomesCarefulDrivers · 26/09/2012 09:38

And if by selfish you mean doing what's best for you and yours then yes, you are. As we all are, most of the time, your gp included.

THETrills · 26/09/2012 09:49

You don't want to be pregnant. That is all should be required, IMO.

notazerosumgame.blogspot.com/2012/09/sarah-catt-expectation-that-all-women.html?spref=fb

I read this yesterday.

THETrills · 26/09/2012 09:49

Sorry, this notazerosumgame.blogspot.com/2012/09/sarah-catt-expectation-that-all-women.html?spref=fb

THETrills · 26/09/2012 09:50

You don't need a "good reason" to not want to have a baby.

EdMcDunnough · 26/09/2012 09:56

It depends how sad you are going to feel about it and whether it will damage you more emotionally to go through this process, than to have the baby.

I don't know but your post sounds very sad and depressed - and the way you are expecting everyone involved to judge you sounds like projection, which makes me worried that you are going to judge yourself. iyswim?

Having a baby that no one seems to want is a very sad thing. So is deciding not to have it, for those reasons. I know - I've had one that no one wanted me to keep, and am now having another that I have been so ashamed to tell people about as I'm on my own and it makes me feel suicidal at times.

But I suppose in the end I thought, the baby will be happy enough, we can cope, and to have it despite the awful circumstances is a BETTER outcome to me, than to get rid of it because of the same - does that make any sense? It's sad and difficult either way.

I'm not trying to turn you one way or another, just sharing experience. But I hope you will be alright, whatever you do xxx

VikingVagine · 26/09/2012 11:15

Thank you all, I've told my GP who was great, not at all judgmental (although he did jokingly say something along the lines of me being exceptionally fertile).

I had a baby that no one wanted me to have, DS, he's now 10 and still as wonderful as ever. The big difference is that I wanted to have him where as here, I really don't want a baby.

Am going to make an appointment for a scan after lunch.

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EdMcDunnough · 26/09/2012 11:17

I hope I didn't say the wrong thing. Good luck, take care xx

VikingVagine · 26/09/2012 11:28

No no you didn't say the wrong thing, I understand what you mean, I just think all round we (DH, DCs & I) will be better off if things stay the same.

Although not impossible, it would be a strain financially to have another child.

We are just getting our life "back to normal" (DD is almost three) and starting to do more activities as a family (have been putting things off for a few years because it was too complicated with a baby).

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EdMcDunnough · 26/09/2012 11:32

I know what you mean too - babies are such a huge thing to do, what with going back to that way of life after your other children are already quite big... in fact this one is kind of still leaving me in denial

I would never judge you for making this decision.

VikingVagine · 26/09/2012 11:37

The irony of it all, is that if we weren't in such a comfortable and stable situation, I would probably keep it. Go figure.

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Startailoforangeandgold · 26/09/2012 11:43

Absolutely not judging here as had my contraception failed, I'm pretty certain I would have terminated a third PG.

Hopefully, I'm now getting a bit old and certainly I wouldn't have another child now.

DH finds tiny babies very stressful, I find small toddlers exhausting.

The DDs jokingly say any extra babies would have to sleep in the bath. Actually I suspect they aren't joking, they like their own space and their routines. They are not fools and they have seen the disruption caused by much younger siblings.

The reality is no one would really want another child here and that's not fair.

VikingVagine · 26/09/2012 16:49

Blood tests done, and am booked for a scan tomorrow afternoon. I think the scan is going to be the worst part, I hope I'm not supposed to look or anything.

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InfinityWelcomesCarefulDrivers · 26/09/2012 16:51

Do what is right for you. I hope you're ok.

ilovesprouts · 26/09/2012 16:55

.

lotsofcheese · 26/09/2012 20:55

You can ask for the screen to be turned away during the scan, if you'd rather not see. Or the ceiling's a good thing to focus on...

drjohnsonscat · 26/09/2012 21:09

Viking, I'm glad you got listened to at the GP's. It shouldn't take courage to say that you want to control your future like this but I know it does. I've had a termination (other reasons) but all reasons and no reasons are ok.

Please give yourself permission not to feel guilty about this. If it's what you want then that's the end of the discussion. You can waste a vast amount of emotional energy exploring whether you feel "bad enough". Please don't, unless you do actually feel bad in which case there's plenty of support on here.

But if you've actually made a courageous decision to have the life you want for yourself and your family, then you can also make the courageous decision to accept your decision and be content with it. I don't think any of this conflicts with EdMcD's comments either - whatever it is you want will be right for you if you decide to accept your own decision.

VikingVagine · 26/09/2012 22:27

I think I'm just trying not to think about it (ha!), DH said it's little more than a cluster of cells at the moment he might have made a comparison with having my hair cut ... .

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VikingVagine · 27/09/2012 17:51

Oh great. So gynecologist said it's too early to do anything about it and to come back in two weeks. She'll then give me a tablet to take at home.

Two weeks seems like a hell of a long time to have to wait. I feel like shit. All sorts of conflicting thoughts running through my mind.

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InfinityWelcomesCarefulDrivers · 27/09/2012 18:21

Oh Viking :( I have no knowledge but this can't be right surely? 2 more weeks! Can you get a second opinion somehow?

VikingVagine · 27/09/2012 18:25

Apparently it's standard procedure here. The pill they give you to miscarry only works as of five weeks, I'm only three weeks.

It's bad enough that I'm actually going to do this, but the thought of letting it develop for two more weeks seems just horrible.

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InfinityWelcomesCarefulDrivers · 27/09/2012 19:05

I can imagine. :( bumping this in the hope someone with more knowledge responds.

EdMcDunnough · 27/09/2012 19:47

Oh I remember being told something similar after ex marched me down to the clinic for a consultation at about 5 weeks (since last period - 3 weeks from conception obv)

They said you have to wait till we can verify it on the scan, because if the baby is too small, (and it will still be tiny, for you, even in two weeks) we can't tell if the termination has worked. And apparently that can cause some problems.

Sorry, I know it's not much comfort and it will be awful having to wait. but I think it is what they do, it's not your fault.

InfinityWelcomesCarefulDrivers · 28/09/2012 09:28

How are you doing today Viking? Have you got any friends you can talk to. I can't imagine how hard this must be.

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