Hi, I have shared some of my story already with AngryBeaver but I thought I'd share it here too, in case it might help anyone. I am so very sorry you have found yourselves here.
I had a medical termination 7 weeks ago after a diagnosis of complex congenital heart defects (similar to Daphne, actually) at 23 weeks. We were devastated, and after much discussion with specialists and soul searching between us we decided not to continue with our pregnancy.
I had the tablets to block the hormones 2 days prior to going in for induction. I had declined the injection to stop her heart, and luckily my consultant agreed to this, I knew that there was a risk that she would be born alive, and I was okay (ish) with this, just couldn't bear the idea of the injection. I found taking the tablets very hard emotionally as I could feel her kicking and I had just seen her bouncing around on the scan a day previously and been told that she was a little girl, which I'd secretly been longing for. The next two days were difficult, but went past very quickly. It was surreal packing a bag for hospital, like I had with my first daughter, but knowing I'd be coming home without a baby this time.
I was induced (pessaries) in a special private room outside delivery suite and told I could stay there as long as I wanted to but I'd have to go onto delivery suite to give birth or if I needed more painkillers than gas and air. I was really upset about this as I could hear babies crying, women labouring and didn't want to be in with them but as time went on I found it mattered less. I had the first pessary at 10am and didn't have any pains initially, and then it kicked in at about 1pm. It was much more painful than I remember my other labour was but as the midwife explained, I was subconsciously fighting it, mentally and physically. I cried from start to finish, I was totally distraught. I didn't take any painkillers until it got really bad, at about 5pm, when I had some pethidine. The midwives had been telling me for hours to take something but I wouldn't, I don't really know why but if I have any advice for you, it is to take the painkillers early. I was stupid not to. Once I had the pethidine I felt much better and the wooziness helped take the edge off, emotionally. The midwives very kindly let me stay in the private room even though I'd had pethidine and then I realised things were happening so we went into delivery suite which thankfully was almost empty by then. She was born at 7pm, 8 hours from the first pessary. She was a big girl for the dates and I had to push, which I had to really pull myself together to do. It took about 15 minutes, I think. She was moving a little when she was born but not breathing and passed very peacefully. One of the midwives then took her away and took photos, hand and footprints and put her in a little moses basket with a teddy that I'd brought with me. While they were doing that I got on with getting the placenta out which took a lot of effort but I knew that it was either get it out or go to theatre, so I did it somehow. Then they bought her back in so I could cuddle her. They described how she looked beforehand so there were no surprises when we saw her again; she was beautiful, just like her big sister but very tiny. My husband was so glad he got to meet her; it meant a lot to him that he was able to hold his daughter. So I suppose that's a positive.
We went back to the private room and had the tea and toast that is obligatory in the NHS labour wards! I was strangely euphoric which I guess is hormonal/adrenaline. The midwives came in to say goodbye, their shift had ended ages ago but they'd stayed on for me which was so kind, they truly were amazing and were both in tears when she was born. One of them had actually delivered my first daughter so it was very special that she'd been there for both of our girls. Then, after doing some paperwork, we went home at about 10pm. I went straight to bed but didn't sleep. My mum was staying to help with my daughter but I was okay to look after her after the first day or so.
My milk came in, despite the medication, and that was very, very hard. All I could do was wear a tight bra but it was traumatic and I was desperate for it to go away. Otherwise, physically I recovered quite quickly. Emotionally...it's a work in progress. Everyone has been so kind but I am grieving still and I think I will be for a long time yet. But I'm still here, still going and just putting one foot in front of the other until it gets better. Sending lots of love and strength to all of you x x x