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Antenatal tests

When does it get easier?

4 replies

peanuthead · 31/08/2011 13:34

Just need to offload and not sure where I can do it - can't go on the choices threads as no longer no anyone there and have nothing to offer anyone else.

It's this time of year - I hate it.

Two years ago -
Bad nuchal scan last week, amnio on my birthday, diagnosis of probable terminal heart condition on DD's birthday, still pg and puking at her party. She even remembers (god knows how) that I had a baby in my tummy at it. Nearly divorced over it the day of my sisterinlaws and best friend;s birthday parties. Termination at 18 weeks at the end of Sept.

All these events and anniversaries don't stop. Every year I'll have these dates I've got to celebrate and every year they just remind me of that 6 weeks when we waited to know if we should terminate or not.

I knew last year would be bad as it was the first anniversary - but thought it would get easier. Does it mean that DDs birthday will be blighted for me forever? Her labour already is - when i think of labour all I think of is the pain of giving birth to my 2 dead boys (I miscarried at 19 weeks less than a year later but that's another story) I no longer remember the joy of giving birth to a live baby.

And I'm infertile and old and unlikely to ever have another child and I feel so blessed to have my DD - feel like she's a miracle. But it hurts still and I'm so tired of it and the feeling of being cursed. I don't know anyone who's been through a fraction of what I have. Infertility and a terminal condition and then a late miscarriage. Everyone else who has losses goes on to have another child. Not us. Have become a bitter old hag, and all the joyful occasions are full of bad associations.

ANyway. Thanks for the MN ear.

OP posts:

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OiMissus · 31/08/2011 13:43

Hi peanuthead - so sorry to hear about your past two years. I have no experience to offer, I'm afraid, but maybe you should make an effort to somehow "sparkle up" the bad dates.
I hate the word "closure" but maybe take each bad day, start it with some sort of finalisation closure ceremony.
Bury something/burn something related - even if it's just a letter that you have written expressing all your sad thoughts and feelings - maybe your partner and other family members would like to write down their feelings too. You don't have to share what you've written, unless you think it might help, but I wouldn't pressure others to share - unless they really want to.
And then, and most importantly, go on to do something different and special on that day to create new happy positive memories.
Just an idea, I hope it helps. All the best. X

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PeanutGallery · 31/08/2011 13:44

I don't have the answer to your question but couldn't read and run. So sorry for your losses of your two DSs. I hope it does get better for you as time goes on.

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misty0 · 31/08/2011 21:44

peanuthead - i'm so sorry to read your post and hear your pain. No ones experiences are alike - and no one can fully empathise with another womans problems as we are all different and cope with life in different ways. I had my termination in April this year so can share some of your sorrow with you. You sound so wounded inside. You need to get this all out.

The aniversaries do keep ploughing on. I tie myself in knots sometimes working out what would've/could've coincided with what. My due date is in Oct and i'm dreading it. My awful scan was the day before my daughters Bday ... i dont know how i got through the family meal that night ... with a smile stapled to my face.

If you feel it would help you to chat/rant/ramble to us on the 'support thread for women who have chosen to terminate 7' then please come and join us? None of us 'know' each other there as such, but we all read/post on that thread regulaly and it has been a life line for many of us. We have ladies who come and go and others who lurk, and as i say a few of us who are always around. Some of us are ttc again, but that isnt the main topic of our thread.

Keep talking -

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peanuthead · 03/09/2011 13:19

Thanks for all your replies. I felt so much better for just putting it out there and then I managed to have a really good cry - which is something I find really hard and need to do more often!

Thanks Misty - I used to be on that thread around the time it happened. But I'm a sporadic poster and always feel a bit bad about that. And most of the other ladies started getting pg which is why the sister thread was started as it was so painful - like RL. And also I now have so many more issues than just the termination that it feels wrong to post in any one place. Usually the termination bothers me least, usually it's the infertility or possibility of another late miscarriage that give me the fear - ie future stuff. I also need to move on - reading other people'e experiences with termination just makes me so so sad and depressed and puts me back in a place I'm away from most of the time. As most of the current posters will be too I'm glad to say. It's such a horrible horrible thing to go through and I guess it is never going to go away for any of us..