Having found out I was unexpectedly pregnant (&since found out that the father was married & wanted nothing to do with the pregnancy) I decided to find out a much info as possible (as I am lone parent bringing up my 9yr old son following a horrid divorce) so I went for OSCAR scan which gave me a 1:30 risk of Downs (I am 41 yrs old) & then went twice to have CVS but on both occasions consultant unable to do test because of placenta position - then had to wait for amnio which took 3 attempts - convinced myself that baby was okay but had the devastating news it wasn't. I had to make a decision - thinking of my son & the impact it would have on him in later life as I would be an older mum. So on Monday 23rd May I went in for a medical termination - it was traumatic to say the least - I held my tiny baby (George) - he looked perfect & then ended up in theatre due to blood loss and placenta not coming out. I was glad I had given birth rather than have him 'removed' but now I am devasted - keep thinking I have made the wrong decision - that I would have coped on my own somehow - that I have denied my son the chance of having a brother (he knows nothing about what has happened - just that mummy had a poorly tummy). I keep thinking that maybe the test results were wrong - this was my last chance to have a child. My poor aging parents have travelled 250miles to support me but don't know what to say to make it better - I just want to curl up and hide from the world but I also have to think of my living son but can't stop thinking about my dead son - I am dreading the funeral but don't want anyone to witness my grief & just keep wishing the results had been different - I had made such plans for this new life and now it is over and I can't get past the barrier of what if...
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