going to terminate

[katesmummy]

I found out I was expecting a few weeks ago. The facts are I fell pregnant, unplanned while on the pill. I am 10 weeks. My 'boyfriend' doesnt want any children but will support whatever I decide, however we have agreed we cannot live together (amazing how peoples reactions to pregnancy show their true colours) and we have therefore split. I have previously bought up my daughter on my own so that doesnt scare me. The risks, I am 41 so at higher risk of abnormalities, I have had several significant operations to my stomach to repair previous childbirth complications and a subsequent blood tranfusion means I have the rare anti-kell antibody, detected at my antenatal screening. If the baby were affected I may need medical intervention, baby could need a transfusion early and is likely to be induced prematurely and may be stillborn. My doctor has referred me to a specialist but the percentage risks are unlikely to be determined before 14/15 weeks.
I dont feel strong enough to go through this and have been considering my options.
I had a scan this morning and baby is small for my dates.
The odds appear to be stacked heavily against the pregnancy continuing successfully and to me termination seems to be the most sensible option in my case - despite this and even with all the information available, I feel so bad for even considering it!

[IngridBergmann]

Hi Katesmummy,

I'm so sorry for you, to be going through this especially on your own with a little one to look after too.

For what it's worth, I haven't been in your situation exactly but I did fall pregnant with a boyfriend who didn't want the baby, and I already had a child I was bringing up alone.

I did manage it and am so pleased I did, as I feel like they have something very special in a sibling, iyswim. But I didn't have these complications that you have ahead of you.
I considered termination, plenty of times, and it was a pretty horrid pregnancy because basically I couldn't go ahead with the termination, couldn't bond with the unborn child and so on, but once he was born it resolved itse;f so so beautifully.

So I'm just saying I understand part of your situation and if you do feel you can't do the termination, you WILL cope and you will manage. But I totally see where you are coming from, as it sounds like a very rough road ahead for you and the baby.

Sorry you're facing this, take care of yourself xx

[RingEir]

Hi,

So sorry to hear this. Do you have friends or family you can talk to? It sounds like you could really do with some support.

This is such a difficult decision, and the worst part is the waiting and the uncertainty. Do you think you could wait and do the tests though? Maybe the results will be better than you think. If it looks bad, then it might make a decision to terminate easier?

For what it's worth you sound like a strong person to me. take care.

[katesmummy]

Thanks for the support. My close friends and family will support my decision either way and are very supportive, but they are concerned because they appreciate the surgical stomach trauma I went through 18 months ago (tumour). I know they dont think pregnancy would be a good idea for my health but they want to stay impartial.

[thisisyesterday]

have you been referred to a consultant who can talk to you about all the potential risks of going ahead with a pregnancy and how it would be managed?

[CarGirl]

Tough decision and it your alone to make I'm glad your family and friends are remaining impartial and being supportive.

[griphook]

Just wanted to say sorry this is happening to you.

[katesmummy]

I have been referred to the same gynae consultant who managed the complications in my first pregnancy but this is due to previous complications, my age and before I had the anti kell diagnosis, the information on anti k is limited although I understand health professionals treat it in the same way as Rhesus factor, my doctor is researching and quite helpful. My concern is that a referral to a specialist could delay a termination. My previous surgeries are of more concern than the latest diagnosis and have already been told they form a risk. I discussed my concern with the sonographer today and was able to avoid seeing the scan. I dont want to sound harsh but Im trying not to get too close to stay objective.

[thisisyesterday]

ahh yes i can understand the time concerns

i wonder if they could give you contact details for a specialist so you could ring them and just talk a few things through? I know a friend did this when her unborn baby was diagnosed with some uncommon things

[thisisyesterday]

sorry, i think it sounds as though I am trying to convince you to keep this baby, that isn't my intention. Just thinking of ways that might help you think things through and make an informed decision

[katesmummy]

I just wanted to say thank you all for your support. I have no spoken to specialist obs and gynae, a general surgeon and a haemotology specialist and all have agreed there is a risk to my life in continuing with the pregnancy and the baby has little chance of surviving a 'normal' life without being born premature and the added complications that would bring. I am now very comfortable with the process. The decision is easier when it is endorsed by more than one medical expert.

[katesmummy]

I just wanted to say thank you all for your support. I have no spoken to specialist obs and gynae, a general surgeon and a haemotology specialist and all have agreed there is a risk to my life in continuing with the pregnancy and the baby has little chance of surviving a 'normal' life without being born premature and the added complications that would bring. I am now very comfortable with the process. I always thought I would be against abortion but it really is personal choice and your attitude changes if your life is at risk. The decision for me has been made easier because it has been endorsed by more than one medical expert.

[ShowOfHands]

katesmummy, I just wanted to add a little note of support. I'm sorry that you've had to be in a position to make this decision but hope that the clarity you have at the moment will help you through it.

Be very kind to yourself and take as much time as you need.

[Sparklies]

I am so, so sorry you are in this situation, but very glad you now have the knowledge you needed in order to make a decision with confidence.

Thinking of you.

[thisisyesterday]

katesmummy, I am glad you've bee able to make the decision and, most importantly, that you feel this is definitely the right thing to do

I hope everything goes well.

[katesmummy]

I was booked into a clinic this morning. I was booked over 30 miles away because of my doctor's recommendation that I have a general anaesthetic. I got there at 8am this morning and 20 mins later was told they could not treat me because of the risk of complication from my blood disorder and previous surgery. They didnt pick this up at the telephone consultation stage despite taking a full history. the anaesthetist said it would be too risky and I would have to be admitted to a hospital with proper surgical facilities. So, back to the doctor tomorrow for an emergency referral. very disappointed and just hope the next stage doesnt take too long.

[expatinscotland]

So sorry you are going through this, katesmummy, and that your medical conditions mean you must wait. Hope it's not too long a wait and that you are soon treated and have no complications.

Best of luck to you.

[IslaValargeone]

Oh gosh katesmummy, an added stress you could have done without.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
I hope it gets sorted as quickly as possible. Sending you my thoughts and an unmumsnet hug xx

[thatsnotmymonster]

Just wanted to say my sister's blood is incompatible with her dh's so after her first dc her body started making antibodies against that blood type so in both her subsequent pregnancies she had the same issues you face. With her dc2 she had to have 2 in utero blood transfusions and he was born by c-section at 35 weeks (planned). He had about a week in special care being treated under uv lamp etc before he got home. With her dd2 (dc3) she had scans all the way through but remarkably never needed the transfusion and they decided to deliver her by c-section at 33+5 weeks. She spent a few days in ICU and was home after a week. They are now 3.5 and 1.8yrs and absolutely fine.

I don't know if this helps but just wanted to share a similar situation in terms of the medical issues.

[thatsnotmymonster]

Sorry I didn't see that you had made your decision- please ignore my last message. I hope it all goes well for you.

[expatinscotland]

the OP has other issues besides anti-kell antibody, unfortunately, thatsnot, and has determined from more than one medical specialist that to continue the pregnancy will put her life at risk, so she has made a decision already.

[katesmummy]

thatsnotmymonster - thanks for sharing your sisters experience, Im sure this will help someone else in the same position. Unfortunately the Anti-K is just one of a number of risks which have been established for me. However, its good to know there is a good outcome in similar circumstances and thank you.

[thatsnotmymonster]

I know I see that. I just thought that having that perspective may have helped a bit but as you say there's a lot more going on and anyway she has made her decision, which is good.