Is this to be expected?

[Usernamechanged]

DD (my first) is just over four months. We've had a rocky start - straightforward birth but a nightmare establishing feeding, poor weight gain, chronic thrush, feeding all day every day, and finally a tongue tie diagnosed at 11 weeks. As feeding improved she developed reflux; that's now largely under control with medicine but feeding is still hit and miss and is just as likely to result in screaming as it is having a feed. In all of this I've never got her sleep sorted out so although she thankfully sleeps ok at night - 7.30 to 7.30 with maybe three feeds - getting her to nap is next to impossible. And when she does, if I'm lucky it will last 30 mins. It's getting harder as I used to feed her to sleep but that doesn't work so much now she's bigger. The only other things that work (sling or buggy with blackout shade) inevitably mean hysterical tears first. And still only 30 mins so I really need to do it four times a day. I rarely manage that so she's chronically over-tired. Tried all the usual stuff, clock-watching, reading her cues, whatever, and working through Pantley currently but no progress at all yet. I'm at the end of my tether and so incredibly stressed out by it all - invariably by the afternoon I'll just stick her in the buggy and walk because I need to get her to sleep. She screams and I cry but she will go to sleep. This is not the mum I wanted to be and I'm terribly worried what effect her basically crying it out in the buggy will have, but I don't know what else to do. I feel like a shit mum. I've spent two hours this morning getting her down in the crib. She slept 25 mins. I get cross and although do my utmost not to show it, I know it makes me withdraw from her emotionally. I am basically a pretty shoddy mum to this poor little girl. I do make sure I play with her each day though and am affectionate at other times even when I don't feel like it.

We tried for years for her with lots of failed treatment and a miscarriage along the way. She was an IVF baby and tbh, though I desperately wanted one, I never thought I'd really have a child - went through the IVF mainly so I could look back and know I'd tried everything. The pregnancy was uneventful medically but I was hugely stressed about it and about work. Don't think I ever believed there would be a baby at the end of it, I was convinced it would go wrong. When she arrived I didn't have the overwhelming rush of love I'd read about - I was just shocked, I think. And then quickly feeding problems kicked in. I'm not sure I have yet had the emotions people talk about - I've never been that bothered about staring at her for hours like I thought I would be. I do have rushes of love from time to time but it's not constant. Sometimes it's just going through the motions. She's always clean, warm, etc.

People ask me if I'm enjoying her and I want to fucking scream at them: no I'm fucking not, I spend typically 6-8 hours a day getting the bloody child to sleep and on a miraculous day, she might have had more than 90 mins in total by bedtime. And then I feed her to sleep which takes an hour or so. She steadfastly refuses a bottle. I feel a bit held hostage by her. And then I feel bloody awful for that, given what we went through to get her and I know I'm one of the infertility 'winners'.

I cry quite a lot. I'm a bit scared of her - my whole life is ruled by the clock - how long's she been asleep, when do I next have to get her down, how long have I been trying to get her to sleep, etc. Not at all the mum I wanted to be. Right now I am dreading Monday because DH is back to work and I'm on my own with her.

I just want a break but I can't have one. And I feel guilty for feeling that and knowing that I'm not being a great mum to her. When I look at the ladies I've met through NCT (all lovely, not competitive tiger mums at all) I just think they must see what a crap mum I am - I'm the one always late with the tired baby who cries all the time. Their babies frequently nod off while we're out. The idea of a baby just nodding off is alien - it just doesn't happen here.

I don't know if it's normal to feel so over-whelmed and desperate for a break and tearful do much, given what's happened and how hard it's all been. DH wants me to 'get help' but I'm not sure - I feel like us be ok if we didn't have one problem after another. But it's true that I'm not really coping.

[Usernamechanged]

God, that's very long, sorry.

[chestnut100]

Didn't want to read an run. I was exactly like you in my first pregnancy; totally shocked that the pregnancy was successful. Then ruled by click, huge anxiety about getting things "right", always stressed about what was happening next. Terrified to go anywhere because it seemed like my baby was the one always miserable. What you say about being held hostage really resonates. Looking back in fairly certain I was depressed but never sought help. The only thing I can tell you is that it really does get better with time, as cliche as that sounds. A few months from now she will have cracked napping and you will be onto the next worry. People used to say things like "oh she will be better when she's 6 months/rolling/sitting/walking" and I used to clung to those events then feel terrible when they came and she seemed no different. So I don't want to predict when it will get easier, but I promise it will!

Please seek help if you need it. Don't suffer alone. Sending lots of love your way

[FannyFifer]

You're doing great you really are, it's bloody stressful.

My dd was not a daytime sleeper, she just didn't, 10-15 mins power naps here and there & that was her.

Try not to let the clock rule you, will she sleep on you during the day?
I would sometimes just sit after lunch for an hour and cuddle or breastfed dd & she would go asleep, wouldn't put her down. Made sure I had a drink & iphone in hand.

Have you tried her in a sling? My DS loved it. DD not so much.

If you feel like your not coping and crying a lot, speak to health visitor of doctor as it could be PND.

I had it after my first child. Would almost be having panic attacks over getting organised to go out etc & end up crying.

Do you go to any baby groups have company during the day?

You are not alone. There's loads of people on here that will chat & suggest stuff which might help.

Take care. X

[SilverStars]

Hi IVF baby after years ttc here too. The lack of sleep and constantly crying baby was so tough for me too. And I got fed up of other NCT mums babies being so easy.

Eventually we discovers dc had reflux, milk allergy ( only obvious on weaning when covered in hives etc) and had been uncomfortable all along. Not saying your dc has any issues but is it worth asking gp to refer you to a paediatrician or your HV for support with practical help and testing. My dc refused bottle as formula gave worse pain for him than my milk for some reason - I cut out all dairy and he slept 2 weeks later. Reintroduced milk and refuses to lie down etc.


Have you spoked honestly with your HV or gp - for support? May be worth it. Many people might suggest medication or counselling but will that help you practically with lack of sleep and space and upset child? If it would ask for it. If it would not think about what would help you more ( a cleaner, online shops, working out why child not sleeping well and managing that etc). Sometimes different strategies together can help.

I only felt better when I was regularly getting some regular sleep personally. One friend said " just because you wanted this child does not mean you can't complain,".

[CPtart]

Sympathies to you.
DS1 was also a great night time sleeper but also a terrible napper. I ploughed for miles in the pram just for an hours respite, it was soul destroying. My answer may not be for you but what saved me was going back to work p/t when he was 17 weeks old and handing that responsibility over to someone else for a while. It was the only break I ever got and I completely underestimated how much better I would cope by doing this. It recharged me mentally. Some semblance of normality instantly returned. I also stopped bf and persevered with a bottle, just to regain some control of my life. Selfish maybe, but he's now 11 and it all seems a distant memory. We even went on to have DS2 who napped like a dream until he was 3!
These early months are hard hard work and we all find different ways of getting through the best we can.
Good luck.

[PetraArkanian]

I know this is going to sound a bit "woo" (and I am the most skeptical person you can imagine)...but have you tried cranial osteopathy for her? It really does work miracles (and if you are anywhere near SW london I can recommend someone brilliant)...

[Aerfen]

I hate saying this because it goes against the advice to persist with breastfeeding but it is possible, as you are exhausted and stressed out, that your milk supplies are running low at times, and that your let down reflux isnt working as well as it should for the same reasons and your baby is having periods when she is hungry. I think are lot of breastfed babies are hungry at times, they might get enough to be a healthy weight, but it doesn't mean they are always getting as much as they would like at every feed.

CPtart's story of introducing the bottle perhaps just to supplement breast feeding might help you, restoring a little more control and calm. Youve done well by her to manage four months of breastfeeding anyway. It's not complusory to do six!

[StarsforAngels]

Hi OP - this sounds a bit like me a few months ago. Not an IVF baby though. I struggled through the first 6 months when DS barely slept a few hours. Someone once said to me that sleep deprivation is a form of torture - I now know that to be true. For us a change for better in terms of sleep came around 6 months - hold tight and just remember that everything is temporary. Those NCT mums with the perfect babies may have horrible teenagers!