frustrated with lack of help and not getting better - long, sorry!

[MumWithCamera]

Don't usually post just read, but tonight just thought I needed to vent!

Bit of background quickly - have long history of depression since late teens, but was pretty fine until birth of my first child 4 years ago when I had severe PND for about a year, and had some CBT and ADs and gradually got better.

More recently - when pregnancy with child#2 last year I kept saying to all the midwives and consultants, I will need support and need to be prepared etc etc.

Baby arrived 10 months ago, and at first I was fine, but when baby was 2 months old I started to feel down (January). I have been repeatedly going to GP, having visits from health visitor and even child protection Child protection came banging on my door thanks to the GP, who I was getting quite angry with (but restrained!) because she didnt have any suggestions at all, and she didn't even listen when I told her about intrusive thoughts except to call Child Protection of course. I should point out I had to have a assessment as a consequence which took 3 months and they found that my parenting was fantastic and there were no concerns at all, but I'm and depressed about that whole episode obviously.

Despite all these professionals having me on 'their books' - I think I counted and I've had 30 appointments in last 3 months. And it's now been 6 months since I first went to GP - I haven't had any help except a prescription to triple dose my ADs (which doesn't seem to have made any difference!). The NHS has refused me any talking therapy because I had some after my first child was born so they don't think it would be 'beneficial'. I think (maybe paranoia) that this particular service is refusing me treatment because I had an issue with a previous therapist when she told me that I was harming my baby (my first baby) by NOT doing 'cry it out' to teach her independence from me. I lost trust in her judgement and then the therapy couldnt really work. Anyway i feel like because of this they have me down as a troublemaker.

So child protection when they got involved, referred me straight to primary care mental health team, who agreed I needed therapy, then they took 3 months to refer me again at which point I was refused treatment again, (for reasons I mention above I think) so the primary care team discharged me as they said they didnt have anything else to offer me. I am so frustrated.

Anyway sorry for long story. Until recently I was fairly confident I was a good parent and felt I was very self-aware and realised that I was obsessing about my children and whether I was nurtuing them and being caring enough and doing things right etc.

However things seem to have changed in the last 3-4 weeks. I feel like my mood has been deteriorating for weeks but can't get a appt with GP until end of the month. I met my support worker a week ago she said I needed to go to GP but she hasn't managed to get me a doctor's appointment yet either, I rang her today and tomorrow she's not in the office because she's on strike! I feel more detached from my kids and almost like I dont want to interact with them and I'm preoccupied - with what I dont know. I dont feel so certain that Im a good parent, I'm questioning a lot of what I'm doing and having nightmares about going mad and people not understanding me. I'm also avoiding spending time with them, but also avoiding work (i'm self employed) and housework and just going on the internet to waste hours and hours. I was losing weight through a diet which I was pleased with but now I just want to eat. But I dont know if I am just attention-seeking and perhaps there is no PND now - why do I keep asking for help from GP etc ? I feel like I'm being a bit pathetic perhaps I am on purpose. I have some other classic signs like I am not enjoying stuff I did before - tv, hobbies etc, that I looked forward to in the evening - and I find interacting with people more stressful, I am thinking I am being really annoying when I talk to my friends so I dont want to confide in them much but I'm aware I'm a bit paranoid too. I know that I should be exercising, doing CBT, tracking my automatic thoughts etc, but I don't seem to put any effort in to help myself, I almost wonder whether I have some personality disorder wanting attention?!! But I guess if someone else said that to me I would say it was probably just depression.

I'm also started looking into private treatment. I found out assessment by psychiatrist woudl be £200 for 1 hour appointment. Can just about afford that, but I need referral from GP which is crazy, I can't get appt as I say!

I'm not sure why I'm writing all this, except that I was putting the kids to bed tonight and they both made me so angry - the little one by not going straight to sleep in the cot, and the older one by whining and stuff, and I feel like I just dont enjoy spending time with them but would rather block it out going on the internet, tidying the house and generally avoiding parenting I guess! I am admittedly under pressure because my partner works away so I'm a single-mum for 4 nights per week. I can talk to him but he gets really anxious about my mood and I think he doesn't entirely understand all the weird nuances of recent changes in my mood. Also I think he is under a lot of stress and not at 100% mood-wise if you know what i mean. He can be a bit dramatic so sometimes talking to him makes me feel like a burden rather than minimising what I'm saying he blows things out of proportion and makes me feel more burdensome if that makse sense.

Better stop typing now sorry! Thanks if you have read this far!!! :)

[drbartlet]

Your gp does sound rubbish. Is there another gp you could see? To me it sounds like you are on the wrong medication. Have you had success with it in the past?

Rather than using the £200 to see a psychiatrist maybe you could see a therapist privately? You sound like you have some tools for dealing with your depression but are having trouble implementing them, which is understandable because you are depressed! Seeing a therapist, even for a few sessions, might help you get back on track managing your mood?

I hope you get some more help soon. Good luck xx

[Lones80]

Have you tried your health visitor? Mine referred me to a local PND support service. It's frustrating that it takes so long to get help, I have my first appointment next week but originally asked for help six weeks ago!

[MumWithCamera]

Thanks yes i have a health visitor but there aren't any groups or anything to refer me on to. She's nice but i don't think moaning to her every few weeks really helps.

Feeling a bit better since yesterday. I am so confused when my mood is going up and down all the time. Is this your experience of pnd?

[MumWithCamera]

Dr - I get the impression from the go that they are sympathetic but there isn't any other resources available. Don't know. I have seen other gps at the practice and this one I'm seeing now (not the one who referred me to cold protection) is the best i think.

Good idea able therapy thanks i think you are right implement tools is right yes that makes sense..

[StarsforAngels]

Hi - you sounds like you have had to deal with a lot of inept people. I don't have much to say other than I was told at my booking appointment for DS (now 1 and healthy and happy) that if I had an episode of 'pshcosis' (excuse spelling) that my baby could be taken from me.

I was devastated and to this day I am still scared about midwives and my baby being taken despite being a hands on and what I would consider loving mother and never having had pyschosis. I have depression and anxiety but I was devasted by this midwives comments and it has left a bitter taste in my mouth.

I struggled to get any 'care' other than various NHS appointments when pregnant so I went private. It cost a lot though (I was in London at the time) but I hope it has done some good.

Am considering going back to Dr though as my depression and anxiety are just not shifting but am bloody scared feel like I was not helped at the time I most needed just labeled as 'crazy' and ignored/left to get worse.