I'm so sorry if this sounds silly - other people on this board seem to have it so much worse and I feel ashamed that I'm even posting.
I've suffered from clinical depression since 2010, but stopped taking my Citalopram when we started trying for a baby. Somehow all throughout my pregnancy I was absolutely fine - the joy of being pregnant (or just hormones) seemed to keep me going. However, since DD has come along (about 7 weeks ago) my mood's been so erratic I never know how I'm going to feel one day to the next.
Some days I'm so happy she's here and she seems like the most perfect baby and the day flies by. Some days I'm holding her and weeping because I feel like I'm failing her. Some days I think: "Maybe it'll be better for her if I were dead and she just had Daddy." I'm so worried all the time and constantly checking her breathing, Googling phantom symptoms and posting here on Mumsnet to check that I'm not ruining her. I quit smoking when I found out I was pregnant and never thought about it throughout my pregnancy. Now I constantly am dying for a cigarette.
It was a lot worse in the beginning, felt almost constantly down and lost but I thought that was due to my labour. (3-day induction and then a 15 hour labour followed by forceps delivery and haemorrhaging.) I keep thinking, "things are getting better!" but then I realise it's only been weeks since I've had her and I can't imagine feeling like this for the next, what, 18 years?
It feels different from my last bout of depression. It comes and goes and is pretty much non-existent when DH is home with me at weekends. But I can't help wondering if I should be telling my GP and going back on my meds. DH is so proud of me for 'doing so well with her' and I feel like that would be letting him down and throwing in the towel.
Am I making something out of nothing?
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Antenatal/postnatal depression
Not sure if I should say anything... Is this PND?
5 replies
blueberrypudding · 13/05/2014 15:18
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