14months of what seem like hell

[Hmac16]

Hello.

My boy is 14months and from 3 weeks old has suffered from reflux. Spent first 6months in and out of hospital. Anyway to cut a long story short. I'm really struggling to enjoy motherhood. Somedays I just wish if never had him. I feel so guilty for saying this out loud. A lot of the time I feel really nervous like something is wrong.

I have a great job and husband but I'm just not happy. I'm not even sure if I deserve my job anymore, I'm trying to study for exams but just can't concentrate.

All my friends enjoy motherhood so much and I feel like I'm just putting on this fake smile just to fit in!

Yesterday was such a bad day spent most of the day crying. Today I feel a bit better just feel kinda numb. I feel so guilty for thinking all these things about my boy like do I even love him. I dread spending alone time with him.

I have had days where we have had fun like going to the zoo but most days I dread. I don't even think he likes me that much coz all he does is cry infront of me where everyone else says he is brilliant for them!

I know motherhood is hard but really is it this hard?! I'm just so tired fed up and just want to run away. I have nightmares most nights about my boy going missing or taken away from me.

[minipie]

Ah poor you, reflux is such a rough road. I doubt anyone actually enjoys looking after a child with reflux or any other illness and your DS's seems to have lasted a long time.

Is the reflux diminishing at all? Is he on meds and are they working?

I think all you can do is focus on the fact that it won't be forever... he will outgrow the reflux and be a happy little boy who is much much easier and more fun to take care of. It WILL get better.

I am guessing he doesn't sleep well either? Everything is SO much harder and bleaker when you are tired. Again, when his reflux eases, hopefully he will sleep better and this will make an enormous difference. In the meantime is there any way you can get some more sleep? Nap on weekend afternoons when your DH is home for example?

If he is cries more with you than with others that doesn't mean he doesn't like you, it means he is looking to you for comfort. Most children and adults are more likely to cry on their mothers than on strangers!

In answer to your question, motherhood isn't this hard for most people, I'm afraid you drew the short straw with your DS having long lasting reflux (obviously some people have it worse, but most have it better). It's horribly bad luck but he WILL grow out of it.

Why not go and speak to your GP about how you are feeling? They will not judge and will have heard it many times before - they may be able to reassure you about how you are feeling and/or suggest things that may help.

[Hmac16]

Thank you for getting back to me. He is on omeprazole and we have tried a few times to reduce the dosage sice he turned 12months but his reflux just keeps coming back.

He is not a good sleeper some nights he will sleep all night and other he will have me up 3 times and he is up at 5am every morning. I've got a doctors appointment in 3 weeks for a review on his medication. Maybe I'll talk to him then.

I can't ever see me enjoying motherhood and it really upsets me. I keep snapping at my husband. I try and tell him I'm struggling but he just says ur doing fine ur a great mum but obviously I'm not otherwise I wouldn't be feeling this way!

[minipie]

I know it's hard to imagine enjoying it but I really would expect it to improve hugely when he is no longer refluxing. Is he walking? I have read that it can stop at that point (as they are more upright), or when teething stops (as the acid/saliva level drops).

I can understand how you are feeling to some extent as I really didn't enjoy motherhood for the first 6 months or so - DD was premature, very hard work and didn't still doesn't sleep well. After 6 months it got a lot better and after about 11 months I started to enjoy some of it. However even now, I still don't relish an entire day looking after DD on my own if I'm honest. And that is with no health problems like reflux! I don't think that makes me a bad mother though. I still look after DD as well as I can and I'm sure you do too with your DS. It just means I am not someone who enjoys looking after babies/toddlers very much. I am enjoying it more as she gets older.

You are not a bad mother, you are just someone who doesn't enjoy looking after a refluxy DS (not surprising). I bet you will enjoy it more as DS gets well and gets older.

I think it's a good idea to talk to the doctor, if only for some RL sympathy.

[Hmac16]

Sounds like you have had a rough time yourself! Thank you for your support it's nice to hear honesty. All my friends paint this lovely picture how things r so perfect. I've got a week off work next week, I think I will see how things go. I'm at work at the moment so feel a bit better about things but my attitude might changes as I get home. Maybe I need to make an efford to try and be happier at home

[minipie]

Honestly I think you have had it a lot worse than me (I was so grateful DD didn't have reflux much, she had it at the start so I have read a lot about it and it sounds really truly awful) so you have a much better excuse than me for not enjoying it!

I think for me it's a combination of a rather hard work baby and just not really being a baby sort of person in the first place. Probably about 50% of each. Perhaps it's the same for you? So for me, things are definitely improving as she gets older - she's less hard work but also she's more interesting to me as she becomes a real little person.

As for other people, well some people have easier babies, and some people are more "baby people" and that adds up to most people enjoying it more. Or they are lying (I think that happens a fair bit).

I'd organise as much as you can for the week off - I'm always happier if I have lots of activities to do with DD, ideally involving other adults for company!

[patsypancake]

hi there read your thread ... I thought I would poke my nose in .. I has recently discovered I am suffering from pnd after a full on mental break down on holiday a few weeks ago ....
this is my second I got depression after my 1st who is now three but I don't think it was post natal as it wasn't to do with him I had a wonderful time and actually he was the only thing that got me up in the morning and felt as though I had found my calling in being a mum (where is this going I hear u ask ) until now ...my 2nd is just coming up to 6 months and I am not enjoying it at all any more some morning I see ds little face at my door or hear the cry of baby and my eyes fill up I just want them to go away I want to put my head under the covers and roll over .... I feel really confused I , I have no idea what I am doing and no confidence in my decisions .. even when I do make a decision it ends up being the wrong one .. I feel guilty all the time .

When I am alone with one at a time I sort of have a slight glimpse of enjoyment but not as it used to be.. I ,massively resent my son for as he makes it difficult with the baby I feel as though I cant even talk to her in case he hears and has to get involved every time I even smile at her ! then he is either too loud too rough and just ruins it ... at the moment I feel in despair as ds used to be my best friend now he is just a nuisance .

what your describing sounds exactly like pnd and I think 3 weeks to wait to go to the gp is a long time .. and you probably want to be alone when you go ..

in the meant time try and get some exercise as its exactly the same hormone released when you exercise as the anti depressants . I am feeling quite a lot better since I have started working out .
and actually the diagnosis itself has helped .. when I feel snappy I know why I feel snappy there is a very good normal reason for it and it helps me to cope !
also get away from him as often as u can to the point where u start to miss him .

it will get better babys r boring until they can talk and walk ..

I hope some of that helps

[minipie]

How are you doing Hmac?

and how are you patsy - toddler and baby sound like hard work especially if you (like me) don't find babies very interesting

[Hmac16]

Hello minipie how has your weekend been?. . Pasty that is exactly how I have been feeling. I've only just read your post but I've actually done what u said I stayed at a friends house the weekend then been on my bike today. Forcing myself I was in tears because I didn't want to do either of them to do both and I'm feeling better today. I'm scared of going to the doctor. If my mood is better today. Maybe this means I am ok. Do you have good and bad days?

[Ferdinand77]

I have so been in your shoes. My middle one was pre-mature, suffered from a horrible reflux for over a year. Was very high needs baby and I was miserable being his mom.
Have the dr done food allergies/intolerance testing for your kid? Reflux can be a sign of food allergies. Body just can not tolerate the consumed food and throws it out of the system, literally. I forced Dr? to do testing on my kid and we found out he is really allergic to dairy. I removed dairy from his diet and reflux finally started to go away.

[Hmac16]

Yeah cutting out dairy doesn't change his reflux he has been on pepti- juniour, nutramagen, neocate nothing changed in the end decided to put him back onto dairy as he wasn't eating enough as a baby. Now he eats "normal food" really well but he is still in meds. When we try and stop them he starts vomiting again! He is just very high maintenance, very wingy and crys seems like all the time!

[emsy13]

HI- reading all these messages was like reading about my own experience and can completely relate to the fake smile. After two relatively easy babies, number 3 has been very, very hard. Reflux was an absolute nightmare that I was totally unprepared for and left me a virtual prisoner at home as I was too scared to go out alone with her because I knew she would end up soaked from the vomit and certainly couldnt lie her down in a pram as being on her back was totally out of the question. This meant putting her down to sleep was almost impossible so she spent the first few moths of her life permanently face down on my chest. I couldn't drive anywhere without someone in the back next to her car seat in case she vomited and choked while I was driving. I never managed to get to any mother and baby groups because of the exhaustion and vomiting so felt completely isolated and would spend long days crying in a dressing gown because there was no point in getting dressed only to be covered in puke. She also woke about 5 to 7 times a night until she was about 9 moths old (she still wakes up to 3 times a night now she is 14 months old but things are definately improving)which I think must also have been due to the reflux.
The stress of this and other problems landed me back in hospital when she was a few weeks old and, amongst other issues, resulted in PND which was not picked up until I totally broke down during a GP visit and even then was only given pills and a number to call to refer myself for counselling when she was over 6 months old-not easy when its taken every ounce of strength you have just to make the GP appointment!! The help just doesnt seem to be out there so sites like this are invaluble as you finally realise your'e not mad and youre not alone.
As for the reflux, the ranitidine etc. didnt really help so i tried cranial osteotomy after a couple of recommendations, and it worked!! I hope things improve for you as they are for me and do give the cranial osteotomy a try, it was well worth it xx