pnd after d&c or something else?

[rachelpantera]

My fiance and I conceived on July 15th, 2013. It was the day before my scheduled period, and I was taking tricyclen lo for 4 months. I was on depo provera for seven months prior to being switched to tricyclen lo. The depo provera is supposed to be effective for three months per shot, and my doctor assured me I would not be at risk of unwanted pregnancy since my start date of the tricyclen lo was within the first month of my depo provera shot. He said they were both progesterone based birth control and most women have trouble conceiving for up to a year after taking the depo provera shot as well.

I found out on August fifteenth after almost a month of spotting that I had become pregnant. My fiance told me the only option was to have an abortion, it was not my choice. I was pushing for adoption seeing as I have already had complications following a laparoscopy and d&c due to an ectopic pregnancy. I figured the least selfish thing to do is provide a couple who cannot conceived and had been trying to with the blessing of a healthy, happy baby. He has a four year old autistic son who looks at me as a mother figure, and after pleading with my fiance for almost a month (I told him when I was 5 weeks 2 days), I caved and said that despite my beliefs I would make an appointment for the procedure. He decided that if I were to keep it, or even offer our child were to be offered up for adoption, that since his son is so attached to me, he wouldn't be a good parent by allowing his son who has been though so much to go through anymore changes. He said he would't be the parent he could be either to his 4 year old, or our baby. His son already requires a lot of attention, and he felt like he would not be able to pay full attention to either one at the time until his son has completed his aba therapy (he's on a waiting list to begin hopefully mid 2014). I came to terms with the decision and told him I would go through with it.

I had the d&c on September 25th, 2013, and I am experiencing severe feelings of guilt and even anger, as well as sadness, especially when I see mothers and fathers alone with their babies. I noticed on the day his son left for his visit to his mother's the first weekend after that my anger towards him was beyond my own emotional threshold. I was giving him a massage and the strength and adrenaline pumping through my veins just got more and more intense the more I started missing his son being home.

The day of the surgery was horrific. I was in so much pain and bleeding heavily with clothing the whole night before from the pill the obstetrician had given me to soften my cervix for the dilation. I stayed strong for the whole two hour prep time and my fiance did too. I will always vividly remember walking down the hall in my hospital gown and slippers with my hair in a shower cap type thing. There were so many people in the OR, I remember each one of the doctors introducing themselves briefly. Last thing I remember before being put out was the anesthesiologist (or something I have no clue what they're called) leans over my face and puts my mask on, as a grad student on his placement puts my legs in stirrups and I yelled at him when he introduced himself. I screamed "I don't care who you are. Just get this over with cause I don't even wanna do this." I was freaked out by the IV (I'm afraid of needles) and I was already rattled. Someone counted down from one hundred. I fell asleep at 98.

I woke up in the first recovery room crying in pain and I remember everything feeling so surreal, like there was no way I had just done that. The nurse who was watching me admitted to going through the same thing and now she's married and trying to have kids at the right time in her life. It made me feel a lot better but I was still whacked out by the anesthetic and crying as I stopped myself from passing out.

Another hour went by in the second recovery room as the nurse finally got my fiance from the waiting room. He came in crying his eyes out. The whole experience was traumatic.

I love my fiance and his son dearly, and I know although I regret the decision I made, I still could've said no and gone through with the adoption on my own. The only reason he said no to adoption was because he didn't want his son to see me getting more and more pregnant and wonder where his brother or sister was. I am now wondering whether this is post natal depression from the hormonal changes, or if perhaps it is because of mind set I had going into the surgery? It's become more intense the past week and I'm wondering what type of help I should be seeking, and if this could be something other than pnd (I experienced pnd after my miscarriage prior to this and it didn't feel half as bad as this) perhaps ptsd due to the circumstances. Advice?

[OnaPromise]

I'm so sorry this has a horrendous experience for you by the sound of it .

I think whatever the root cause you need to talk to your gp about this asap. I don't have any experience of abortion but I do of pregnancy loss and pnd and I have had counselling regarding this which the gp directed me towards.

[wokeupwithasmile]

Oh my goddness what a terrible time you are having. I am in no position to offer help here, but I am bumping this and sending you a big hug.

[rachelpantera]

Thanks for the support :) I am seeking counselling but just wasn't sure what type of counselling would be most suitable.

[OnaPromise]

Ask gp. There maybe a pregnancy loss counselling service in your area? I guess most pregnancy losses have elements of ptsd and your experience sounds particularly traumatic, but again, I don't know enough about it. I hope you can find someone appropriate to talk to.