Please tell me this will get better

[formerblonde]

I have a beautiful 9 day old baby but yet I feel like crap. Just been to docs and have come out with a prescription for sertraline. I have a long history of depression and anxiety so I shouldn't be surprised,... I feel tearful, overhelmed, unable to bond with ds and fearful I may hurt him. Hubby back to work on Thursday and I don't know how im going to cope. Breastfeeding has gone wrong, he won't latch well and constantly falls asleep so every feed is a battle. Resorted to expressing and formula.
We had a hellish time conceiving, I panicked the whole way through pregnancy I would lose him and now he's here I feel he deserves so much better.
I'm terrified and devastated to be feeling this way.
Any words of encouragement?

[AndHarry]

I'll give you some :)

I had dreadful PND with my DS, was on antidepressants, had counselling and daily visits to make sure I hadn't run off with the baby etc. It was awful. Like you, I was desperate to breastfeed but DS wouldn't stay awake so I was up every 3 hours expressing, delirious with sleep deprivation.

Fast forward 3.5 years and DS has a baby sister. I don't have PND this time and have bonded really well with both children.

I'll be honest, it did take a good few months for me to feel anywhere near normal and I didn't feel 'myself' until I was back at work and DS was sleeping properly. I got through those months by taking it a day at a time and having a plan: "Today I am getting up, getting a shower, getting dressed, getting DS up, breakfast, baby group, nap, lunch, park, nap, walk, DH home, teatime, DS to bed..." Getting out every day was important and I clung onto my routine for dear life. I also found that once I started talking about having PND a lot of women were keen to share their experiences. It seemed as though nearly everyone had had it, which made me feel as though there was light at the end of the tunnel.

Don't beat yourself up about the breastfeeding. If I could go back and change one thing about those early days, I would prioritise my need for sleep over my desire to breastfeed. The all-night expressing sessions were ridiculous in hindsight and I could really have done with DH sharing the load. Up to you but that's my advice.

[Bickies]

Hi Formerblonde, First thing I shall say is congratulations, you have a lovely new ds and the second thing is, get some more help if you are feeling too low to cope/desperate. Talk to your husband and your GP immediately coz you may need a little more support. Whatever you do, do not harm your baby. I know that you know this already but please do not be afraid to reach out to a Nurse or family member and tell them how you are feeling. I wish you the very best and hope that you can soon begin enjoy this wee blessing that you have been given.

[stillhopefulforanother]

I also have a nine day old baby. Congratulations. I've had a case of baby blues and have felt weepy and tearful. Husband has been at work and not really around at all for past two weeks so pretty much coped alone with baby and two year old. Husband has been making snidey comments about state of house and what's for dinner! My two year old is lovely but totally full on, he's a hectic boy. I am only coping with a day at a time strategy as mentioned in previous post. Just wanted to say, I understand and I'm with you.

[formerblonde]

Hi ladies
thanks so much for your replies, they have helped. I'm just looking at him in his moses just now and he's so gorgeous, I just want to be a normal mummy to him. Met my HV today, she was fab. Basically told me to give up on breastfeeding (of course she couldn't actually say that due to militant NHS breasfeeding policy!) but hinted that if the stress of that was making me feel this ill, best to stop. He's had 10 day supply of at least some milk. I do feel guilty but need to do what works.
My mum is coming next week for a few days to help out, which should relieve the pressure a bit. Just need to get through next two days and wait for these meds to kick in!

[AndHarry]

I'm glad it sounds as though you have a good HV, it can help so much. I hope your mum is lovely and super-helpful! I had my MIL stay for 2 weeks soon after DS was born and she was an absolute lifesaver. She did all the nightfeeds so I could sleep and cleaned the house from top to bottom, amazing.

Really, really don't beat yourself up about the breastfeeding. Being a good mum is about so much more than how you feed your baby and a loving formula feed cuddled up to mum with plenty of eye contact is a special bonding experience too :)

[SpecialJK]

It ABSOLUTELY ABSOLUTELY ABSOLUTELY does get better. I can't say whether that will be today, tomorrow or next week, but it will

I had a terrible time with PND with DS. Get all the help you can. Speak up and tell your HV your concerns, as they will try and help you. I found it was a bit like AA, telling people that you think you had PND and getting help, actually started making me feel better IYKWIM?

I have to admit that I bf for 4 months, but after I stopped it did for some reason help me feel better, it caused me a lot of stress and taking that away helped me focus on the good stuff between me and DS.

There are family help groups that the HV can sort for you, where volunteers come to help out around the house, get shopping in etc. I had a doula for the first few weeks and she helped too.

Give the sertraline some time. I'm sure the GP told you, but you may feel worse before you feel better. It can take up to a month for them to kick in, but you have to give them some time to take effect.

hope you start feeling a bit better every day