Screaming at my baby

[Fairy1303]

HV thinks I have PND. Every other fucker thinks my life would be solved by going to a toddler group.

I feel so low all the time.
My baby sleeps relatively well but when he wakes and won't go back to sleep I find myself so frustrated I scream and shout at him to sleep. I feel sick just writing that.

I am awful and a terrible person but I feel bleak all the time and flit between crazy anger and tears and apathy.

I do love my baby but I am so letting him down

[ratbagcatbag]

Ok, it's hard, so bloody hard this sleep deprivation thing.

How old is lo? What's their sleep like? Do you have anyone you can alternate nights with?

If your Hv feels like you have pnd it's worth going to your drs and talking to them

Big hugs.

[RememberingMyPFEs]

Fairy it is really hard! My DD is 5 weeks and I feel like every day is Groundhog Day. I can sympathise with where you're at. You aren't letting him down, be kind to yourself and please let your HV get some help for you! Do you have RL support so you can get a decent stretch of sleep? Sleep deprivation is used as torture.
Sorry I can't be more helpful but hang in there and remember the MN mantra - "this too shall pass"
Take care

[wellieboots]

You are absolutely NOT a terrible person and you are not letting your baby down. I do think it sounds like you should talk to your GP about potential pnd, especially if your hv thinks that could be an issue. Sending you and

[bonzo77]

Speak to the GP about it sweetheart. I felt like a different person on AD's. they were amazing. As for shouting at your baby.... It's obviously not ideal, but he won't remember provided you get yourself better and it stops soon. In the mean time it's ok for you to let him cry for a few minutes while you go to the loo etc. if he's fed and changed and warm enough he will be ok. Have you tried a dummy and a sling and some fairly loud white noise? They can help immensely.

[karinmaria]

I've been doing this too. Doctor's appointment has been made for this week as I don't feel like myself and I'm ashamed about the shouting.

This really shall pass but in the meantime do speak with your GP.

It does get easier when sleep comes more easily but that can take a bit more time yet. As a poster said to me yesterday: be kind to yourself.

[vix206]

I was just like this when my son was a baby. I too felt awful about it. I didn't seek help at the time but probably should have. We muddled through and at 7 months DS started sleeping in 4 he stretches which was much better for me.
I just wanted to say please don't beat yourself up, it is really bloody hard work. 3 years on and I'm doing it all again with DC2 due late January so it does get better, and it is all worth it. But next time (if there is one) I will seek help and I think you should too.

Take care.

[Dackyduddles]

Gosh been there babes! With both dds! Dunno if its ever lonelier than between 1-4 am with a crying /wakeful baby.

However, DP might have a point. I doubt this is the only pointer for him. He may well have noticed stuff. He would, he's closest to you! Speak to your hv if not GP.

Also your anger towards baby groups is deeply confusing. Getting out would benefit you both. It tires baby and gets you to see people in RL who are going through exactly what you describe! Get off the Internet and get outside. These people might sound do good ish but again they are right.

[SpecialJK]

Fairy, I can totally understand what you're feeling. I was there too this time last year. I couldn't explain why, but even though my baby slept reasonably well at night, if he cried at all, even for 1 min it would send me into oblivion in my head. I couldn't stand it and would get so angry.
I used to wish someone would knock on the door and say they were taking him away. I thought a lot of other stuff that I would be too embarrassed to write here, but that was the PND talking in my head.

Personally for me, looking back, a lot of people said it was just because of sleep deprivation, and I waited too long to get help because I wanted to believe it was that, and it would pass soon, but it didn't. Getting out and about didn't help either. Yes, someone coming over to help for a couple of hours was great, but when they left, I felt like I was back at square 1.

Has the HV done the edinburgh score with you?

PND is more than baby blues or just feeling tired. A difficult baby can set it off, but it takes more than just a few hours time away from the baby to get better. I think it would be worthwhile speaking to the GP. But also, perhaps call someone at a PND support place like House of Light or PANDA's? The good news is that PND is something that gets better over time, but the quicker you talk to someone it can help.

I was lucky and found a PND support group that met face to face. Just spending 2 hours talking to other mums who felt and thought the same stuff was a great relief. I'd recommend speaking to someone, as I wished I'd done it sooner so I could enjoy the time with my baby when he was younger.

PM me if you want to chat