Its happened again, I'm going to let my baby down again.

[PeachActiviaMinge]

I had postnatal depression after the birth of my daughter ten years ago I let her down in so many ways including not bonding with her. I have to live with the guilt of that. I now have a two month old son I love him with all my being I am terrified something bad will happen to him and can not be apart from him in case it does.


MIL is guilt tripping me over the fact I won't take him to her house as she smokes these nasty knock off cigarettes and the house stinks.


We're on JSA while husband desperately search's for a job and puts up with my various mental health issues.


Not one member of my family has met my baby, my mum apparently can't afford to visit yet she is away every weekend and this Saturday will be a twenty minute drive from us for the world egg throwing championships. That really really hurts.


We've found out today our benefits are being stopped for a month due to DH being late to an a4e appointment because he was dealing with me having a massive panic attack.


I really want to go and punish myself for fucking up everything I'm going to be letting my baby down again. If I wasn't alone with him right now I would've done it by now but he's awake so I'm with him but he'd be better off without me as evidenced by the fact even my own family don't want anything to do with me.


I've fucked up again and I don't know how to fix it, I won't eat so he can but when we run out of electric and nappies I don't know what I will do. I wish I could fix myself for him but I will always be letting him down and he deserves so much more.

[Forgetfulmog]

Peach I'm afraid I don't have any practical advice, but I didn't want to not reply as you sounded so desparate.

Firstly, you are definately not useless or letting your baby down. You are under a lot of stress & pressure & have no support from those around you who should be supporting you.

Your mil sounds an absolute charmer - dont let her bully you, you are doing the right thing in not taking your baby to her house.

Sorry dd has just woken so have to go but I really hope someone else will be able to offer practical advice.

You're doing brilkiantly, please don't give up.

[coffeewineandchocolate]

where are you? can you try your local food bank/ church? or apply for a crisis loan? contact your hv, they should be able to point you in the right direction. you can also contact social services who may bee ale to peroxide you with the basics of you explain what happened.

have you any input from mental health professionals re your panic attacks?

[Loopylala7]

Your children will always need you, you must remember that . If you're not around, who will be there to comfort them, give cuddles and love. Do not give up on yourself, or them. To give up on them both would be a far bigger let down. Try talkiing to somebody, organisations like the Samaritans might be able to help?

[Forgetfulmog]

Peach how are you feeling right now?

[Rosielee33]

Peach I'm new here so hope you don't mind me jumping in here. I'm sorry to read what's happening. If it helps at all on a practical level I think you can get free vitamins for yourself (I have tried to put link below for ni direct or you can get them from a GP). You might also be able to get milk, fruit and veg (formula if needed). Take care of yourself.

Rosie

www.nidirect.gov.uk/sm/free-milk-vitamins-fruit-and-vegetables-and-infant-formula

[Theyoniwayisnorthwards]

My DP works in social services and I asked him what he would advise someone in your situation. He said he'd suggest your first stop should be GP and get a diagnosis for postnatal anxiety or stress or whatever is causing you panic attacks. Your partner should then go back to DSS with that diagnosis as evidence for why he was unable to make his appointment, needing to provide care to a vulnerable partner who has just given birth is a valid reason. They can give a crisis loan of up to £500.

You are completely right in not allowing your tiny baby around smoke and you should be proud of yourself for standing up for your baby.

Pregnancy and birth is stressful and emotional even without the crazy rush of hormones. I felt terrified that something would happen to DS1 for the first 6 months or so and I wasn't dealing with the kind of stress you describe. Do remember that this will pass and in a few months you will be looking at a different landscape.

And congratulations on your new baby!

[syl1985]

Try to relax, you're dealing with a lot at the moment.

Finances are giving you stress.
family that is letting you down.
do you've friends? do you've a social life?

You can't look into the future, you can only do your best to protect your children right now. Not going to your mother because she smokes is a very good thing to do. If she can't understand that. It does hurt. But do you want a grandmother who thinks her addiction is more important then her grandchild?

No one is perfect and it's ok if you're not perfect. Allow yourself to make a mistake.

Try to get some peace into your mind.

Try not to let your mind dwell in things that you can't change. Like things that happened in the past. No matter how bad you feel about them. You can't do anything about that anymore.

Finances: the only thing you can do is to give your partner the space/time for him to do that he needs to do. Find work, go to appointments etc.

Your family:
You can't change anyone. That hurts, but at the same time it's not your fault they're like this. We can't choice our family, only our friends and life partner.

Do you've a hobby? If not maybe you can find one. It doesn't need to be an expensive one. Even if it'd be to go for a small walk every day. Try to find something that you like to do.
Cooking: It might be difficult to eat. But maybe you could make that as your hobby. Again it doesn't need to be expensive. You can make something nice and simple. Just as long as you enjoy it. That's very important.


take care,
Sylvia

[Forgetfulmog]

Peach - I knew I recognised your nn from another thread. How are you getting on? Come back & let us know