I just needed to write down how I am feeling at the moment as it seems to be taking over the days, I apologise if it long winded. Not sure if this is extended baby blues or PND but need the fog to clear that seems to surround me.
I had the birth all planned out at the local birthing centre and had wanted to stay for a few days (this is my second baby, I have a DD aged 6). The birth went to plan but unfortunately I had to be transferred by ambulance to a hospital an hour away due to a third degree tear. This I found quite a traumatic experience and took away the 'special' time I had planned at the centre. It meant my DD1 couldn't visit straight away and my parents had to wait. Then it was chaotic when they visited due to checks on me etc. I tranferred back to the centre but although I could have stayed longer I came home the next day. This I regret hugely and wish I had stayed on to spend time with my new baby solely (yet at the time all I wanted was to go home to my daughter and my bed/shower, I felt like the experience of being there had been spoilt). The following days at home were so busy as I wanted to show my DD1 that life could carry on as normal as she was struggling and I ended up exhausted. All I can think about is my regrets over this, also phonecalls I didn't make earlier to my parents, the experience of my DD1 visiting for the first time etc etc. I won't be having another baby and I won't get this time back.
Then the blues hit and I crashed big time!! I have been crying over everything, I went through a spell of wanting things to go back to before the birth of DD2, I mourned the loss of the 1:1 time I had with DD1 - everything became too much. I have been overthinking everything and regretting every decision I have made in the past 3 weeks - I now want to replay it all and do it differently. I feel like I have come home with a new baby and expecting to be superwoman and carry on as normal. My husband only had a week off work (which included the 3 days in hospital) and I so wanted him to have the extra week. I feel the last 3 weeks have been a blur and we have had no 'special' time where life has slowed down - maybe it can't being as we already have a child. My mum has been a tower of strength to me and I couldn't have got through the past couple of weeks without her.
My DD2 is now 3 weeks and I adore her, she feeds well and is gaining weight and we already have some sort of routine going. I wanted this baby for so long and it has taken a long 4 years to get here. Maybe I am expecting perfection when it can't be. After all, she has arrived healthly and well - what more can you ask for?
It has been suggested that this may be the start of PND, just want to feel better to really enjoy this time. Sorry for the waffle - needed to vent as OH getting bored now.
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Antenatal/postnatal depression
Overwhlemed and overthinking
5 replies
clmc · 17/06/2013 09:34
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