I have a 2.2yr and a 14wk baby. We live abroad. I have friends here, but my close close friends (who've known DH and I for over a decade) and family are in the UK. We moved here when I was 4m pregnant for DH's work.
DH works very very long hours, often travelling abroad for 2 or 3 nights a week. The nights he is here, he gets home to bathe DC1, then goes back to work. He spends Saturday mornings with DC1 at sports, then goes to a sports club himself on Saturday afternoons (I think this is important, since his job is so sedentary: he needs to exercise more). Sunday afternoons he generally spends working.
Last week DC2 was admitted to the ICU with a fractured skill. She fell out of her bouncy chair as I was moving it (only a foot off the floor but enough), since I hadn't strapped her in. Totally my fault. She's going to be fine, but I feel so guilty I want to die. Social services are involved (automatic referral) and I'm waiting to hear when they're coming round to inspect our house/my interactions with the children. I've spent the last week either at the hospital (am BF so had to stay 24/7 with her) or running over the city with her taking her to various appointments her pediatrician insisted she have.
I feel utterly shattered. Totally drained. Am almost physically shaking. I haven't contacted DH today whilst he's been at work and he hasn't bothered to get in touch with me. I have to go pick up DC from nursery soon (she goes two days a week) and I honestly don't know if I have the energy. I'm scared to hold DC2 or do anything with her in case I hurt her again.
I was walking back home today and it hit me that this is my life now, and I just felt empty. I don't feel love for DH anymore: he's just in the way. I felt like this before DC2's accident, but it's now intensified.
I remember feeling a bit like this after DC1 but that was more a lack of fancying DH (totally went off sex for months). This is just a total void. I want to walk out of the house and not come back but I know that's not an option.
Friends have been announcing pregnancies recently and I've just felt sorry for them. No jealously, no wistful happiness, just pity. I see newborns as I walk about and I'm scared to go near them in case I harm them.
What do I do? Ride this out?
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Antenatal/postnatal depression
Is this just hormones?
4 replies
flowersinavase · 05/06/2013 22:16
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