MIL, FIL & Boyf ruined the day I brought my baby home

(23 Posts)
shufflehopstep Fri 05-Apr-13 22:44:14

You are not being unreasonable at all and I totally understand the feeling of not being able to let it go. They were totally insensitive to how you felt and what you wanted. Your emotions were running high at the time and they still are with the sleepless nights and everything else that goes with a new baby. BF for 4 months is amazing, most people don't last that long so you should be very proud of yourself. Definitely go and speak to your HV about your feelings as PND can be devastating. A friend of mine suffered with it. Don't suffer on your own; people can help you xx That said, it's not unreasonable to think that this behaviour is unacceptable

Something happened to me that was nowhere near as bad but still makes me angry now. The day after I brought DD home was my birthday. My parents, mil and sil, uncle and auntie were all going to drop by to wish me happy birthday and meet the new baby. I said that was fine and told each of them that they were all welcome in the afternoon for a few hours from about 2.30. I too was struggling with breast feeding and was v sore after episiotomy so didn't want to sit there entertaining all day. My thoughts were if they all came at once, they could entertain each other and I could go off to try to bf at regular intervals and could have a nap while they were cooing over the baby. I'd spoken to MIL the day before and explained why I would prefer everyone to come together and she agreed. She then got SIL to ring back twice to try to rearrange and when both DH and I had reiterated the plan, she just turned up at 7.30 in the evening anyway. DH had bought some lovely food to cook me a special birthday meal with food that I couldn't have during pregnancy (rare steak, pate, soft cheese, wine) but we ended up eating it off trays while she sat there talking about people who had died. MIL and SIL didn't leave until 9.30 at night and I was fuming. I felt they had ruined my first birthday as a mummy and hogged my baby when I wanted to cuddle her. It turned out it was just because MIL doesn't like socialising with people she doesn't know that well. I wouldn't mind but she'd met my entire family before as we got married less than a year earlier. So I had to put up with her insecurities rather than her listening to how I felt.

I have a really good relationship with MIL and she is going to help with childcare when I go back to work so I don't have a problem with her in general but whenever I think of that day I want to scream at her for being so bloody selfish and it makes me angry at her all over again.

RubyrooUK Fri 05-Apr-13 22:33:21

First, well done on breastfeeding for four months. You did not fail at breastfeeding because you did it. So don't beat yourself up.

Second, as others say, do seek help. It's impossible to diagnose depression or anxiety on an internet forum. But you still sound very unhappy about this one event and if your partner is generally supportive and simply acted thoughtlessly on this occasion, it's worth moving past it.

Third, to cheer you up, I don't know many people who have a brilliant first evening/day with their DC. This is not at all to minimise your shitty experience, but simply to say that it is not often that brilliant. At least, I had DS1 after three days of labour, an overdose of drugs, emergency delivery and at 8am the next day, there were my in-laws and my mum and stepdad at the door. I still had a catheter in. They stepped over my own blood on the floor to dote on their new grandson. At the time, I felt horrified and violated. Now it it is largely forgotten in the mists of time because so many other moments with my DS1 have replaced it and I hope one day you'll feel the same way about your experience.

tomatoplantproject Fri 05-Apr-13 21:35:33

Yanbu to be cross about this happenig at the time - it really does sound quite shit and I would have been furious, but it does sound as if something isn't quite right if you can't let it go if your bf is amazing in all other ways - if things were ok otherwise you would have forgiven by now.

If it helps at all, dd is also 5 months and I can't for the life of me remember our first hours at home. There are clearly some moments which have happened since then and infinitely more precious.

olivertheoctopus Fri 05-Apr-13 21:25:48

Bloody hell, what thoughtless pigs (your boyf included). Given that you are still struggling to come to terms with how they behaved I would def talk to your GP to ward off any PND as a result. Huge hugs.

DoTheBestThingsInLifeHaveFleas Fri 05-Apr-13 21:19:10

Ah OP you are NOT over reacting at all. I was absolutely terrified of this happening (well not the alcohol, but the millions of visitors). Men just do not understand, they just get so excited about the baby and do not understand how hormonal and exhausted you are and how precious your baby is. Your PIL sound awfull. I completely understand how it is taking over your thoughts and how hard it is to let go, when it is supposed to be one of the most special days of your life :@( The only thing I would say, is if DP has grovelled and apologised maybe you should cut him some slack now. He should have grovelled and apologised and he should have sent his parents packing after 30 minutes and waited on you. But he messed up big time. But if he is really sorry and is good in all other respects don't let ut sour your long term relationship.
Sounds you have done a fab job at BF and please try not to beat yourself up over stopping (I speak from my own formula guilt). Go to your doctors and try and take DP with you and tell them how you feel. I imagine it is a mix of that horrible experience were you were made to feel that your feeling were not important, plus the exhaustion of a new baby all added together xxxx

Sparklymommy Fri 05-Apr-13 21:06:56

I totally understand how you feel as I went through a similar thing with my in-laws. It festered and made me very unhappy for some time, until I had a breakdown at my dads wedding six months later. I'm pretty sure my dads guests thought I didn't like my stepmom! Not the case at all! Luckily my dad understood and told me to make a doctors app and sit my mother-in-law down and tell her exactly how I felt. I was a young mum (18 at the time) and my DD was the first grandchild on every side so very much in demand. Luckily MIL was understanding when we spoke but I had MAJOR problems with SIL and BIL a little while later and BIL has not spoken to me or my husband in almost 10 years. All supposedly because I was an evil cow who turned his family against him. SIL didn't understand my POV until she had kids of her own and now we get on fine. I was diagnosed with PND at that time but I dispute that diagnosis. My problem was with the people around us, not my child. When I had Ds2 I did suffer, and was treated for, PND and it was very different.

Lafaminute Sat 23-Feb-13 10:59:37

Dh took my brand new baby from my arms and handed her to MIL who could barely hold her (she was/is dying for the past 77 years - makes her extra special) and I can still feel the wrench of that. The baby is now 10 and a half!! I do think that when you are that vulnerable things blow up out of proportion - that's not to say that he and his parents didn't behave badly but if he's been a model father ever since than let it go. I still get up during the night and check that my (big) babies are breathing and that nobody has stolen them during the night. To me that is motherhood - I have friends who do the same - and I have friends who never worry in the slightest in this hysterical way but I accept that this is the type of mother I am - as your baby gets older challenges and worries change - I have never, ever considered that I even brushed with PND just that this is motherhood.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 23-Feb-13 10:54:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeyHoHereWeGo Sat 23-Feb-13 10:49:11

I think myself that PND is too often dismissed as "Oh shes a bit hormonal since the baby" and therefore everything you struggle with is the fault of the PND. I think you had what sounds to me like a traumatic birth, and instead of being minded, you were sidelined, after having no control during the birth, you then had no control over your own home, and they laughed at your distress. Thats no small thing. This isn't you just not letting it go, thats genuinely horrible. Throw in lack of sleep, your emotions over the feeding (well done on 4 months, my first was impossible to feed, my next a dream - lesson for me - every baby is different and its not YOUR fault) and the continued presence in your life of all these frankly rubbish "grandparents", you have every right to be distressed.
I would tell your partner and go to your GP. I would do whatever it takes to feel better.
But you know what - if anyone ever tries to say "Oh megab overreacted because she had PND" I would tell them "I have been told that my PND was CAUSED by you behaving so badly to me"
Best of luck megab, I hope your baby is lovely, you will move on from this in time. Have you spoken to anyone about a birth debrief? I have no experience but I know others on here have.

Adversecamber Sat 23-Feb-13 10:40:52

I bf for four months as well, honestly that was what I could manage and it is still a very good start. I am not surprised you were annoyed with the impromptu party. Please speak to you HV or GP about PND.

hotbot Sat 23-Feb-13 10:37:21

Pnd isn't always about harming your baby, please get some help,so you can enjoy the rest of your maternity leave. I have lots of regrets about mine and would hate for you to feel,like I did , for any longer than you need to.
Xx

singaporefling Sat 23-Feb-13 09:19:33

Oh megab i really really feel for you! Its a longtime since I brought a new baby home (14 years!) but I STILL remember bringing my first home 25 years ago... After a 'difficult'/traumatic birth and with lots of stitches/bad tear/pain afterwards. As if that's not enough to cope with, others don't always appreciate how you're feeling. I had amazing parents to help/a good partner and STILL felt anxious/very tearful/worried about unthinkable horrible things happening. It takes a while for hormones to settle and for you to 'recover' and find the old you. It doesn't matter what you call it - it's about how YOU feel and what help YOU need. Obssessing over situations/comments is very difficult to let go - the right counsellor would be able to help you. And YES four months of bf is fantastic megab... Whilst it's satisfying it can also be bloody hard work! And you sound like a caring compassionate lovely girl...and your partner DOES sound like he's trying and you have your mum too... Accept ALL offers of practical/emotional help! Good luck...it DOES get easier/better xx

NotSoNervous Sat 23-Feb-13 09:14:07

YANBU to be upset about this. It was completely out of order for them to put that on you when you first got home. I do think you need to talk to so,some about how your feeling and I think you will feel a lot better for it.

You done so well to bf for 4 months! You should pay yourself on the back and not beat yourself up. You sound like a great mum

Waferthinmint Sat 23-Feb-13 09:12:19

www.mumsnet.com/babies/postnatal-depression

For me the pnd manifested itself as anxiety and I got completely caught up in over thinking an incident that had happened when dd was very young. Talking it through with listening visits from a HV and medication made a huge difference, It makes me so sad to see women suffer

13Iggis Sat 23-Feb-13 09:05:29

Post-natal anxiety affects a lot of women. I don't think you have to have a diagnosis to look for some support. When you were first seeing health visitors, did they give you any info about support in your area?
I'm sure someone who has heard a lot about this would find a way to help you let go of your disappointment over that first day. Well maybe let go is wrong phrase - process it so it doesn't hurt you anymore.

megab Sat 23-Feb-13 08:37:56

Boyf helps put a lot, he is a model father to be honest and is supportive. It was that one day which he really let me down, he has grovelled and grovelled since but I can't forgive him.

I think me not being able to get over things is part of whatever it is I'm feeling.

You are all right, I do new to see someone. I read up on symptoms of PDN, I haven't lost interest in my baby or have any hurtful thoughts towards her so not sure if that's me?

The only time I am happy is when I am with my DD, but I do have obsessive thoughts about bad things happening to her. For example if she was kidnapped and things that would happen to her, if she is hurt if someone babysits her (I've not let anyone yet), if someone broke in a murdered her etc. I obsess over these things and terrify myself.

Just reading this back to myself has made me realise I need to get this sorted, before it gets worse.

Thanks for all your kind words about breast feeding smile
Xx

13Iggis Sat 23-Feb-13 08:14:14

4 months of bf is amazing, and will have done your wee one a power of good. Try to think of what you have achieved, not what you "haven't".
I benefitted a lot from having counselling with a PND unit near me. I don't even know if I had pnd or was just suffering from lack of support, but talking through all my feelings was just an amazing weight off my mind.
Research what is available in your area (or tell me where you live and I'll do it for you!)
There are threads on here all about the daft/selfish way parents and in-laws behave when a baby is born - you might find it helpful to laugh at other people's stories?

mummymccar Sat 23-Feb-13 08:12:21

You aren't being unreasonable by being upset about it - it sounds like they really couldn't take the hint.
A few months ago I was in exactly the same head space as you; I put off seeking help for the same reason - I thought I'd be judged as a risk to my baby and she would be taken away. It was only when I took my baby to the nurse for a check up and broke down in tears that anyone realised I needed help. My GP surgery was amazing - the dr, nurse and HV all stayed with me into their lunch breaks and just let me talk. They reassured me that I wasn't doing anything wrong, that it was a very common thing and that nobody thought I was a bad mum. They got me counselling and Sertraline and signed me up to a support group for new mums where I met several other mums with new babies.
My daughter is now just 1 and I'm coming off the Sertraline and feeling so much better. Your GP and HV can help you too.
You have to remember that you are a new mum - you've been handed a person that you don't know, who makes constant demands on you and requires you to do things you've never done before. It is completely natural to struggle for the first year. You see those "perfect" mums who know how to do everything exactly right? They're making it up as they go along, just like you.
Well done for completing four months of breastfeeding despite all your problems. Nobody tells you just how difficult it actually is before the baby is here so to manage four months is fantastic!
I really hope you feel better soon. Make sure that you make use of the help available - they want to get you well again.
In the meantime, somebody recommended I read "what mothers do" by Naomi Stadlen when I was at my worst and it really helped; I highly recommend it. (If you get a chance with a 4 month old!)

Waferthinmint Sat 23-Feb-13 08:09:46

I'm reluctant to, I'm terrified they are going to see me as a risk to my baby and refer me to social services and then my baby is taken from me. This is why I have kept this bottled up for so long, I only admitted to my boyf and my mum that I was feeling this way last week.

This will not happen! Speak to someone before you feel worse. Many of us have been there and know that the is great support around if you open up to it.

hotbot Sat 23-Feb-13 08:06:00

Oh dear, I bfboth of mine, the isn't for 4mths the 2nd for 6. I hated it, as rubbish at it, had 2 that literally fed all day and night with only 30 min gap if I was lucky. Felt a complete hormonal mess most of the time. Went to baby groups where bf babies all seems to have 10mins feeds and a routine. Still gt a bit jealous when I hear colleagues etc find it so easy to bf. I am not a cow in real life, what I am saying is that I had raging pnd and put an enormous amount of pressure n myself. Get to the docs, cut yourself some slack, your bf was very inconsiderate, but you or he can't change that. Does he help now, is is a helpful partner and dad. This feeding part is such a small period in a very long relationship with your little one. In time life will get better i promise, get some help now.

megab Sat 23-Feb-13 07:52:53

Thanks for your kind words, I think it just helped me a bit writing it all down. I think you are right though, I need to speak to a health visitor.

I'm reluctant to, I'm terrified they are going to see me as a risk to my baby and refer me to social services and then my baby is taken from me. This is why I have kept this bottled up for so long, I only admitted to my boyf and my mum that I was feeling this way last week.

Poor you, sounds like a stressful day with the washing machine. You don't realise how vital they are until you have a baby!

I think I just became obsessed over breast feeding, I wanted so desperately to do it. My sister had a baby 4 days before me and her baby breast feeds brilliantly, I guess this has put extra pressure on me too.

Thanks again smile x

kickassangel Sat 23-Feb-13 01:38:38

You're not over reacting and you have a right to be upset.

Go see a doctor about depression, or talk to the health visitor. They can give you the practical means to start feeling better, then you will be able to process the emotional stuff.

You did incredibly well to do 4 months of bf with so many problems, feel proud of what you did achieve, not upset about what you didn't.

You sound like someone who really acres about their baby and is trying hard to be a fantastic mum, so take pride in that as well.

Although you need to work through your emotions, do remember that the whole'first day at home' is a bit of a hallmark moment. The reality is often far from the dream. Dd projectile vomited over every bit of clothing and bedding in the house, ours and hers, then the washing machine broke down.

You will have tons of perfect days with your child, and plenty of not so perfect ones either. Once you feel better, something amazing will just hit you out of the blue. If you are not depressed, you will see and appreciate those moments so much better.

And speak to someone in rl, particularly a health visitor type person who can give real help, not just words on a screen.

megab Sat 23-Feb-13 01:22:03

I don't know where I should be posting this or what answers I want from it. My DD was born September 2012.

I had a really difficult labour, 27 hours, forceps, the works! The day I brought my DD home my boyf invited his parents and their partners round, I said yes, for half an hour. I wanted to try and establish breast feeding, I was struggling and got no support in hospital.

They all descended on us within 30 mins of getting home from the hospital, everything was fine until MIL and my boyf suggested everyone have a drink to celebrate, so she went the shop with her partner and came back with a crate of beer and three bottles of wine (she's a chav). I was really upset and freaked out by this, I just stood up and said I'm going to bed and took the baby with me.

I was completely hysterical, on my own with my newborn in my bedroom on what should have been the happiest day of my life. I rang my mum (who was giving us a few days space to be with baby) and she text my boyf and told him he should send everyone home.

They were all in the living room drinking and watching football, boyf came in and we had a huge row, he couldn't understand why I was upset. MIL was in the bathroom listening and came in when he stormed into the living room, she tried to console me and told me that she was so happy because I am the VESSEL that has brought her grandchild. I was in tears and said I thought you would understand, you have had two babies. I think she just wanted to be next to the baby and didn't care if I was upset or not.

MIL turned up that with a card for the baby and a crappy blanked that absolutely reaked of smoke, (she later blamed that fact, she didn't have a present on me because I didn't like anything he picked while I was pregnant. But she showed me things before I was 12 weeks and I wanted to wait, she helped us pick a Moses basket which was to be a gift from her, she still hasn't given us any money for it).

I was eventually coaxed back into the living room, MIL offered me a glass of wine and said you can drink now your not breastfeeding, knowing full well how upset I was that I was struggling and I had been really passionate about doing it throughout my pregnancy (she bottle fed). I refused and said no I'm having an early night and just had a baby, she seemed taken aback by this.

Anyway, in laws stayed for 4 hours, drinking and watching football, I was sat crying right in front of them with my baby in my arms. Yet they still stayed, only when my boyf saw how upset I was (after 4 hours) that he asked everyone to go home.

I am angry because my boyf was so thoughtless and I feel he was only thinking about his parents and didn't give a hoot about me. I'm angry with my PIL because of how they acted and treated me, I literally felt like a walking womb, or vessel as my MIL so nicely put it.

Thing is, this was nearly 5 months ago and I still can't let it go. I sit and dwell on it, I get really upset about it and I'm actually welling up just writing this post.

I have had endless arguments/discussions with boyf over this, told him that they all ruined they day for me, what should have been a happy occasion was destroyed for me. He has apologised so many times, but I think he still thinks I overreacted.

Oh and I gave up breast feeding at 4 months, it was a constant struggle and battle. I feel guilty and am extremely resentful about this, I feel everything that happened contributed to it.

I'm not sure if this has set off postnatal depression or I am just feeling depressed, I just can't get past it.

Sorry for the long rant, I've had this bottled up for ages.

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