I wasn't really sure where to post this, but thought this seemed a good place to have a go to get some feelings out, DH knows my feelings on the matter but I haven't really talked it over with myself yet.
My gorgeous DD was born 13 months ago. I had a planned home water birth, with scented candles and no pain relief etc. (well, tried Gas and air which was no help and made me feel sick) all exactly as planned.
I went a bit crazy in labour and tried to escape into the bathroom (as if I could lock myself in there, I wouldn't have to give birth - see?!), It was a long long 3 day labour with an hour and a half of pushing (the cord was wrapped round DD's neck and kept on pulling her back in). DD was an OP back to back baby and i didn't feel any contractions whilst pushing, although for the previous days I had had very strong painful contractions, with most of the pain in my back (I still don't know what a tummy contraction feels like!). The placenta, thankfully, was delivered 8 minutes later. The midwives were wonderful and supportive, and so was my darling husband. DD was born fit and healthy and alert. We all got to snuggle up in our bed afterwards.
So all in all, not that unique a labour, and certainly doesn't sound like I had a traumatic birth - but it was. It was horrendous, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
My biggest strongest emotion when she finally came out was relief that I never had to do that again.
Before DD, I had wanted a large family - 4 children like my mum had. But now I'm ok with one - because otherwise I had to do that again.
DH has mentioned a few times that he always wanted two... recently one of our friends who has a dd the same age announced she is pregnant again - I can not understand how anyone could go through that again, knowing what happens. How? It made DH ask if we could have another one, I kid you not I had a panic attack, for the rest of the day I was sick and in shock and took a long time to calm down. DH was really sorry for mentioning it at all.
I do love being a mum, and If a baby was dropped on my doorstop I would be thrilled and mother it all up and love it and delight in all the parenting goodness, but not if it means i have to give birth again.
So I've started to realize that this is not a normal way to be feeling, especially as many people do have more than one child. I'm not sure if I should be trying to do anything about it, especially as it's clear to me I'm blocking something that me and DH would both like.
Thank you, very very much, for reading - Hope it makes some sense. It's really good to get it out.
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Antenatal/postnatal depression
PTSD? Definitely freaked out anyway
12 replies
GotMyGoat · 06/09/2012 20:55
OP posts:
Annakin31 ·
18/09/2012 15:38
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