This is how I feel

[emoo777]

I just feel that I will never have the carefree life i used to have. Somewhere over the last three years I have lost myself - I don't do the activities I used to enjoy, my husband and I don't find time do do stuff together without the kids. I never pamper myself. I can't even do the basic maintenance around the house and my career that I spent my whole life building up is just over - why did I bother to work so hard? I generally only sleep 4 to 5 hours a night, even though it is mainly not the kids keeping me up but my own lack of ability to sleep. Some nights recently more like 1 to 2 hours. I mainly just feel totally out of control. I am driving oh crazy as I won't go away for weekends for fear the kids won't sleep although spend my whole time complaining about being in the house too much. He has been amazing, including coping with me waking him in the night in a panic every other night.

I know that it has been tough as I have a 9mo and 27mo so 18 month age gap - the second child being a surprise.

I saw the doctor and he has given me sleeping pills for 7 nights to reestablish a sleeping pattern and to see if things improve. Does it sound like PND? I didn't think i was as I don't feel down really, just anxious and stressed over small things.

Please tell me if this is normal to feel like this or I need to get some help.

[magellan]

Poor you. Don't know about PND but lack of sleep can certainly mess up your emotional state - keep going back to the doctor if it doesn't help - you need some sleep. The 2nd dc is really hard because you can't rest when they're asleep because of dc1 (I have a similar gap between mine). It does get easier when they are older as they play together. But remember 9 months is not long - they are still so tiny & dependant. Give yourself a break - literally & figuratively. Try & have a little time for yourself, even if it's only a soak in the bath and just accept that the first year is hard and don't put any pressure on yourself to do anything other than cope.
Mine are 6 & 7 now and my house is still a mess! Although I think that's more to do with my slovenliness than the kids
Chin up - we get through it, we all feel like running away & hiding sometimes and the more time you had before dcs, the harder it is to adapt.

[LittlePoot]

Oh boy - I feel for you! I can't say whether you do or don't have PND, but you are saying many of the same things I felt when I first had my (so far only) baby nearly 18 months ago. I immediately suffered from massive anxiety and as you said, was stressed out by everything, big and small. And after the first couple of months, my sleep was a nightmare - a waking nightmare at that. Even when baby did sleep, I didn't, and I got to the point where I'd fall asleep at 9/10pm then be awake from midnight feeling dreadful and panicking about the fact I knew I wouldn't get back to sleep again until the next night. I was so tired, but at the same time completely wired and just unable to sleep. My doctor also tried me on sleeping tablets first (zopiclone) but although they put me to sleep, they didn't keep me asleep and I still woke up a couple of hours later. My anxiety got so bad, probably with associated depression (although it's hard to tell, particularly with the lack of sleep - cause or effect?) and I was given antidepressants (citalopram) which were a complete godsend once they'd kicked in. Two months later I was back to my normal self, personality wise, and gradually my sleep has gone pretty much back to normal. I was only on them in total about 8/9 months and haven't felt any need to go back to them since.

Post natal insomnia is actually really common, and not just because you get woken up by the baby. Some biological switch seems to happen in a mum after birth where you are somehow always listening out for your children, even when you're asleep, so you never seem to sleep as deeply as you did before they came along. And for a number of people, it can wreck your sleep completely. Do a search on here - there were a couple of really useful threads on it from a few years back.

Insomnia and anxiety are also major symptoms of PND, so that might be what it is. But then losing sleep and worrying are also major symptoms of parenthood, so that might also be what it is. I don't think it's really important to define or label yourself, but what is important is to find ways to get through this. PND (and all depression) leads to changing thought patterns so that things that wouldn't normally have bothered you get blown up into major worries, and some of the things you're saying resonate with that - as do things like not enjoying things any more and feeling like things are out of control. I think you should continue to seek help with your Dr if the sleeping pills don't kick start your normal sleep routine and that doesn't in turn make you feel more like yourself again. Counselling can be massively effective (CBT especially for anxiety) and antidepressants were amazing in my case.

As far as the insomnia goes, there were a few practical things I learned which really helped. Firstly, never look at the time when you can't sleep. It doesn't matter how long you've slept, and all it does is give you something else to worry about to keep you awake - "I've only got x hours until the baby/toddler wakes up, I've only slept x hours" etc etc. None of it matters. Just fuel for more worrying. It's a really really tough habit to break, but trust me - put all clocks out of view and just lie down and rest. You can feel whether you've had enough sleep by how tired you are. The numbers are just a worry. Secondly, do remember that the worst thing that can happen if you don't get enough sleep is that you'll be tired. And you know you can survive tired. I got so stressed out about sleep and totally hung up on it. But really, the tiredness was totally manageable once my mental health was back on track. What you said about not wanting to go away in case the children didn't sleep really resonated with me. too But now I see much more clearly - what does it matter if they don't sleep? So you'll be tired. You're tired now. So it won't be any worse than now. There's nowhere worse for it to go! But by being away, you might all feel a bit refreshed by the change of scene. And facing things that make you anxious can help you get over the anxiety - so pushing yourself slightly out of your comfort zone then seeing that the world doesn't end, will help you to push the boundaries again the next time.

Am I making any sense? I just really wanted to let you know that although what you're feeling is not "normal", it's very common and it will go away. It really will. It might need (medical) help to go away, or it might go away on its own, but you will get through. Don't beat yourself up about how you're feeling. Lack of sleep isn't used as a torture device for no reason!! But I would definitely suggest you get as much help as is available. Why suffer if something simple like talking to someone or taking antidepressants might actually make all the difference? xx

[emoo777]

Thanks so much for your replies. I am also on Zopiclone and whilst they are working so i am not panicing during the night, I am feeling not quite on this planet and a bit down and am highly suspicious of taking these pills to be honest. I am seeing the doctor on monday so we shall see what the next step is. I almost feel like I was racing for 6 months and now things have settled down I am a bit lost, and my energy has dissipated.

LittlePoot - All sounds very similar. I do find it reassuring to hear from someone who has gone through the same thing, and come out the other side.
Very interesting to hear that postnatal insomnia is so common. I do wake up immediately wondering whether one of the children is crying. There often seems to be one of them up, and it is always at a different time so I do think my schedule is a bit screwed up. I know you are right about going away. I am off on holiday in a weeks time and am really scared! The first place we are staying the kids have their own rooms, but the following weekend we are all in the same room, which I am dreading. Maybe the more I go away the more relaxed I will be. The worry about not sleeping is so much worse than the resulting tiredness isn't it? Thanks for all the advice.

In the mean time I am starting Yoga tomorrow and aim to also start a mediation course at some point, to help me be more positive. The doctor may well suggest antidepressants but we shall see. xx