Weird feelings after ivf babies! Please help!

[Ilovemytwins]

Hi Everyone,

I really hope I am posting in the right place, and that someone can help me. This is my second post so please be gentle.

I have twin daughters, who I love more than anything. The problem is I seem to be having some kind of depression about the way they were concived and what we went through to get them.

We tried for 6 1/2 years for them before I got pregnant, I went through 4 fertility treatments that failed and a failed adoption. I was very depressed in this period of my life. Then on our last attempt at ICSI we managed to have the girls.

The problem is even though after all this time yes I am a mummy, I still hate it that it didnt happen "the fun, normal way". Going through all that heartache really took its toll on us, and our relationship. And I hate people getting pregnant so easy, when I had all that invasive and awful treatment to go through! I am worried I sound crazy! I darent tell anyone, I wouldnt wish ivf on anyone but its like I am having some sort of post tramatic stress over all the failed attempts and the fact I missed out on TTC normally and finding out normally and it all being perfect!

I feel like I am going mad! I have heard of stories where mums feel they missed out on something regarding the birth if they ended up having a c-section. Well its like that but over the conception! And I have felt like this since they were born.

My sister has just announced she is pregnant, she has pcos like me and has been married less than a year. Whilst I am so excited to be getting a niece or nephew I cant help feeling jealous. Like I said I wouldnt wish ivf/fertility problems on anyone, but we got married in 2005 and its taken all this time to have our babies!! I just cant get my head around the fact we had to go through so much shit. And keep thinking, why me? what did I do wrong?

Is this PND? has anyone ever felt like this? I love my babies and sister lots, so why are these feelings happening? :( Should I tell my HV?

Thankyou for reading! Please help!
Xxxxx

[Herbsmum]

Hi.
Sorry you are feeling like this.
I would approach you health visitor. It is very common for mums to feel like this in your sort of circumstances. the HV is very well placed to help. Hopefully you feel you can approach her.
Despite all the bad press hv's get on here you should be able to get some help and support.
It is really like a bit of PTSD.
Good luck.

[ThisOnce]

I haven't been through what you have but do have the same feelings about my c-sections instead of natural births. I don't know why it matters so much, rationally it shouldn't, but I know the feelings you're referring to.

It's hard, because I don't want to feel this way. I know I'm lucky, yet I can't let it go. I think it will fade in time but I know what you mean as its hard as the feelings intensify again every time you hear someone else's contrary story.

[RubyrooUK]

Do ask your health visitor.

I can't pretend to understand exactly. I have not suffered from that kind of depression so I am not trying to compare.

But it took me three years to conceive and fertility treatment. Once I did get pregnant and had my son, I had a period of grief about 18 months after his birth when I was thinking about TTC %232.

Suddenly I realised that I had been holding in the grief of how horrible it felt to conceive my son, how I felt robbed of the unknowing joy of realising that you're feeling a bit sick without monitoring cycles, of enjoying a pregnancy without expecting the miscarriage....and so on. I felt so angry that other people were just having babies with none of that.

It's only a few months later that I realised I'd needed to offload all the stress of a long TTC process. Getting through that and the pregnancy and having a newborn meant I'd never really dealt with how much it all hurt. It was only when I felt "safe" and had a baby in my arms that I could feel bad about it all.

I'm sure it's not the same but I just wanted to say that I don't think it's uncommon to suffer from the toll that TTC can take on you. Do talk to your health visitor.

[RubyrooUK]

I meant TTC number 2 obviously, not 232....

[LittlePoot]

I haven't been in such a bad situation either but it did take me three pregnancies to have a baby survive to term and I have to say I was extremely bitter towards people getting pregnant art the drop of a hat. Then after my little boy was born I got really acute PND and once I'd got through that, I realised I seem to have got over my conception anger. Although I think it may well be back if I ever decide to try again. I think it's really understandable to feel as you do and that it's likely to fade in time. But if it's worrying you or getting over bearing for you then definitely speak to someone. You might find counselling helpful to try and get things in order. But don't beat yourself up for feeling like this-it isn't fair and you've definitely been dealt the crappy hand here. I think it's ok to feel aggrieved, just try not to let it get to the point where it defines you. x

[LittlePoot]

X post with Rubyroo. who put it much more eloquently than I did!

[Beamae]

I have a bit of this. I also have twins after ivf and feel a bit like the conception and the whole pregnancy was fake. I had a bit of trouble believing they were mine after they were born and still sometimes do. Even though I now have my precious babies I still get jealous over other people's surprise pregnancies. I wouldn't say any of these feelings are overwhelming though. Just occasional minor niggles. If you are feeling depressed you should ask for help. After all that hard work getting these babies you deserve to be happy now.

[Ilovemytwins]

Hi,

Thankyou so much for your replies. I can't get on my laptop tonight. But when I do I will reply properly!

Xxxx

[Daisybell1]

I haven't been through what you have, but your feelings seem logical to me.

I have wobbles of depression and jealousy over friends who have nice, quick natural births compared to my c-section, and I also have them with friends who are able to enjoy their pregnancies and show them off (I had pre-natal depression last time and hated discussing it, and am feeling similar this time).

So it seems entirely natural to me that you feel this way about conception.

Please talk to your hv or gp. I had counselling arranged and it was great.

[Ilovemytwins]

Hi everyone,

Herbsmum, I did think it could be PTSS but thought I was going mad! Glad I posted on here.

ThisOnce, thats exactly how I feel. It shouldnt matter how they were conceved but it just does! Sorry you feel this way about your c-sections. Its horrible!

RubyrooUK, I will ask my HV. I had no idea that a long time TTC could take its toll in this way. I have felt a bit odd since they were born, but now this news has just worsened the feelings.

LittlePoot, I will try not to let it define me. And will speak to someone about it
otherwise it is going to ruin my relationship with my family.

Beamae, I still dont think they are mine! I feel like some person looking after them. And my feelings are eating away at my happiness.

Daisybell1, I will def think about counselling. I dont want these feelings to continue.

Thankyou all again for your replies, I am glad I posted on here! I need to get this sorted now before it spoils things for my family. I need to start enjoying my girls and just forget the past! Easier said than done though.

Take care everyone!

Xxxxx

[Molehillmountain]

I think I had similar-my three dc are donor conceptions. For a long time I was a secretly very competitive mum. I kind of had to have had the best birth, most beautiful baby, know the most, be the champion breast feeder, have the most natural birth etc etc. and I know that had something to do with my feelings towards the conception. Id never have let it out in real life, and in fact I'm not convinced i knew i felt that way, and its so far from what i really believe. It's weird because I felt and feel that donor conception was the natural thing for us to do given our circumstances and had no problems with it on the surface. But looking back that was what I was doing. I still have moments of grief about it despite not actually wanting to change anything (which one would I swap to get the natural experience ). Our conception happened very fast actually-six months from discovering the problem to being pregnant and I just don't think I processed all the feelings to do with it all. Hmm, now I look at it I wonder if dd2 was something to do with wanting to buck the average? Anyway she's scrummy and we all love her so best not to over analyse. I have had two lots of cbt because with ds and dd2 I had serious feelings of not being a good enough mother and a lot of that I think was also to do with having to be super perfect to "make up for" the nature of their conception. Bit rambling-sorry but hope it makes a bit of sense.

[Ilovemytwins]

Hi Molehillmountain,

Thanks for ur reply. It did make a lot of sense to me. I do feel like I have something to make up for because they are ivf babies and not conceived the "normal" way. I can understand how u feel, I am so glad I posted about it on here or I don't think I could have dealt with it!!

Xxx

[brettgirl2]

I had the same feelings about breastfeeding.

Tbh I think a lot of women feel like failures for various reasons related to babies. Whether conception, premature labour, complications during pregnancy, c-section, assisted delivery, feeding.

You certainly arent crazy. I think the key to moving forward is to accept your feelings rather than feeling that they are wrong IFYSWIM? By feeling they are wrong you can start believing that you are a bad person who should just be amazingly happy with your two beautiful babies - its not that easy. The way you feel is the way you feel.

I would ask to be referred to a perinatal counsellor who will have heard it all before.

[Ilovemytwins]

Thanks brettgirl2, you made me think when you mentioned about all different things women feel guilty about after having babies. So beginning to feel less crazy now!! There are so many things women blame themselves for or feel bad over!

I have talked to my HV who has said counselling is an option if I can't deal with my feelings. I am just trying to put it to the back for my mind at the moment. Hopefully it will get better!!

Xxx

[NoComet]

I have a DF who's beautiful twins are also the result of IVF.

She said it felt ridiculous to need antidepressants when she had her DT, a lovely DH and a very nice house. However depression is not a logical thing, the hormonal storm of pregnancy is not removed by IVF.

Twin pregnancies and births are stressful, bringing up twins is stressful. Add the mixed up feelings and fear of MC that goes with IVF and it's no wonder the brain finds it hard to cope.

Please find help if you need it and don't feel guilty for needing to do so.

[Ilovemytwins]

Thankyou StarBallBunny and stuffitunderthebed,

My best friend has announced she is pregnant too. She was just about to go 4 and ivf appointment. So I have found somebody to talk to about how I am feeling. It will only eat away at me if I don't!!

Thankyou both again!
Xxx