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Our Antenatal and Postnatal Depression forum is a supportive space where you can share your postnatal depression experiences.

Antenatal/postnatal depression

HELP please - baby has changed everything

22 replies

RachaelRB · 30/05/2012 16:33

I know just how awful and bad I am writing this thread but am doing so in the hope that someone out there understands how I feel and tells me it will get better eventually...I really believe I am the only one

I had a beautiful baby girl 10 month's ago with the love of my life...

Prior to having her, my Husband and I were so disgustingly in love ...nothing else in the world mattered. We'd even go as far as to lie to people so we could spend all our time together...we've been married 6.5 yrs and the honeymoon period NEVER ended for us, until our baby was born....

I am struggling with my new role as a mother so badly, devastatingly wishing more than anything I could go back to before she was born. I know how A-W-F-U-L that sounds but I always thought I shouldn't be a mother because I had a very traumatic childhood with a mother that didn't want me. I always swore I'd never have a baby because I didn't want to inflict any of what my mother (and violent father) did to me, and let happen to me by so many people (men especially), onto any child-least of all my own.

I was a very sad person, having a very unhappy life struggling with my childhood issues ...then, I met my husband and I was, for the first time in my whole life, "Happy"...truly happy..

My husband helped me believe that I would be a brilliant mother and that our love was so amazing (I know it sounds over the top but the way we love each other I've never seen anyone have, ever, other than in movies) that we'd be the best parents and so so happy - happier than we were..

I really believed it too and couldn't think of anything more special than mixing that love into a person....half him and half me -special miracle!!!

Now that she's here, I am so painfully unhappy....everything has completely changed and after traumatic birth of my daughter I am struggling so much. I never realised how crushing the weight of total responsibility would feel and mostly that there's NO escape ....and you can't go back, or decide it's not for you, or change your mind FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!!!

I feel like the me I knew and liked 10 month's ago is gone forever...i'm not allowed to do anything I want to anymore and never will again...

I cry all the time wishing it away because I knew I was too fked up to have a child.....especially the fact I NEVER wanted to do/feel anything my mother did towards me and yet, here I am, wishing the exact same thing....my heart aches with paralyzing pain at the realization that I feel these things and that this is real. I feel like it's all a dream and I will/can somehow go back to before she was born when I was so so so happy :(. I used to scream from the top of my lungs "I love my life"...now I wish it away... :(

I now blame my husband for giving "us" up for someone else, letting me go through the trauma of getting her here (birth and after and now) and now having someone who is so important in our life that we can never turn our backs on...I feel so selfish, so selfish but I am bitter that I don't matter anymore (which was so obvious when she was being born = treated like a piece of shite) because we have to look after our girl ....and I feel like I am not as special anymore because he now has two girls....I know how wrong all of these things are/feel and I want to die instead of live with it because she's so beautiful and so is he...i don't deserve either of them. I have what so many people want...a husband that adores me and beautiful perfect baby = WHAT THE FK IS WRONG WITH ME :(((

My poor husband is trying everything to help me but I just resent him so much and out him through hell of an unhappy/wanting to leave him me...

Please can anyone relate or should I just go on the anti-depressants I am told to go on by the GP as she's diagnosed me with pnd.

I appreciate anyone who can help me in any way. I'm sure I'll have a lot of people hate me for it too....but I can't help that I wish I wasn't a mother and dont enjoy it even though i see how beautiful it is having your own baby..not when you're all wrong in the head....

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SilverSixpence · 30/05/2012 16:40

Rachael, I'm so sorry to hear about the terrible time you're having. You really do sound like you have PND and I seriously urge you to get some help - with the support of your lovely sounding DH and the medical help and support you need you WILL get through this. The thoughts you are having will get better, try not to feel guilty about how you feel and focus on slowly getting better. Hopefully someone will be along soon to give you some advice so keep posting.

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Gigondas · 30/05/2012 16:45

I would agree with Rachael - please go to your Gp and try to access some help.

It sounds to me that some of this may be raking up issues from your past that need to be dealt with. But there is help out there- whether it's anti d or talking therapy or both, you don't have to suffer like this.
I only had brief moments of feeling crushed by responsibility of dd and remember how overwhelmed I felt so I do feel for you.

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fourbears · 30/05/2012 16:56

Hi Rachael

Your experience is like my own in some ways and I really feel for you. I'm dealing with DD at the mo but will post a longer response later.

Please know you are not a bad person (in fact just the opposite) many people react like this, you're not alone at all.

Sending you a big hug x

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RachaelRB · 30/05/2012 17:11

Thank you so much girls...i have tears in my eyes reading you being supportive and not saying "what the heck is wrong with you, life could be so much worse"....

I know how lucky I am (omg, I know) and my daughter is so beautiful ...I love her ...but I don't want to love her...I want it to all go away....I am in so much pain.....

thank you again and look forward to hearing from you fourbears xx

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BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 30/05/2012 17:31

I think your GP is right, you do sound like you have PND. And I think you'll feel much better once you start taking the anti-depressants he/she prescribed.

You will get through this, and you will feel better, honest! Well done for having gone to see your doctor, and it sounds like you have a great relationship with your husband to help get you through as well.

Do you have the actual tablets yet, or just the piece of paper?

If you search the name of your tablets on here, you'll almost definitely find other people talking about taking the same ones- I think they might take a few days or so to kick in?

Sending you lots of hugs, hang on in there and keep posting, we're here for you!

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Gigondas · 30/05/2012 17:56

The other thing about anti d is you do need to take them regularly and it can take a week or two to kick in. Indeed sometimes it can feel worse before it feels better but hang in there if you are prescribed them as when you get right type , they do help.

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fourbears · 30/05/2012 19:43

I don't know where to start exactly or what order to put things so it may just tumble out. Hope it makes sense.

I have two DCs, one in secondary school and a pre-schooler. I also was and am still very much in love with DH and him with me.

I very much wanted DC1 and pushed DH into ttc but at the end of my pregnancy I started to wonder what on earth I had done. I felt the time with my DH was running out. People brought baby equipment round for us to borrow and I felt physically sick and had to move everything out of eyeshot. I didn't tell anyone how I was feeling.

The birth was very traumatic and the post-natal ward was beyond awful. Bf failed as milk never came in. Made to feel guilty etc.

Got home and my lovely DH slept downstairs for the first nightwith the baby so I could sleep properly. After that we shared the nights.

I just felt like the baby was an intruder into our lives and I wanted our life back!

I told my mum how I was feeling, hoping for some understanding, but she just said Don't say that, he's lovely. And he was but I still felt that way. It faded after a while and I did bond and did love him but always felt my life was over and I didn't enjoy looking after him that much. I was fine in the evenings though and when I got a break. I still laughed and enjoyed things but only when I was freed from that responsibility. That was why I didn't think I was actually depressed if you see what I mean but I had a really hard time of it.

I looked after him all day everyday til he was 2 something. He was a hard work toddler and I felt so frustrated I used to hit walls and slam doors hard to let it out. I resented it all so much but I loved him.

I put him into a nursery for one day a week for 6 hours and the good it did me... I can't tell you. I used to dance out of there after I dropped him off.

Things got even better when he went to school. I had some time back for me!

Fast forward 8 years since DC1 birth. DH had wanted to go for a second baby for a while and at first I had been against the idea but it was very important to him so after thinking for a few years I decided I could and did want another baby. I was worried about PND as my mum had had it with her second baby and a proviso was that the baby would go to a childminder at least one day a week from a year old even if I wasn't working.

Well I got pregnant easily and the birth was great in comparison even though I had a third degree tear. I felt a rush of love and bonded immediately. We got out of hospital the same day as I couldn't face staying there again. Everything was just lovely for about six weeks. I was almost euphoric, although bf didn't work out.

Then she started crying especially in the evenings. I had to hold her all the time or she would scream. She would only nap on me. So I sat there for hours and hours everyday looking at all the chores building up and up. If I went for a bath, the screaming would cut right through me so I decided I would just hold her.

I started getting a bit paranoid. I would explode with temper at the mess in the house and leave and go for a drive but they didn't know when I would go back. I really scared my DH.

I went to my GP who was lovely and explained it was absolutely not my fault, it was hormonal and to do with a chemical imbalance. It wasn't a personality fault or weakness, it could hit anyone. She diagnosed PND and gave me citalopram. The dosage had to be upped twice. I had some nasty thoughts and visions. I felt suicidal at times. I saw a psychiatrist who told me what I'd had with my first baby was an adjustment disorder. It was kind of nice it had a name.

I really think the anti-depressants saved my life. I don't know if I would still be here without them. Please go to your doctor and tell them how you're feeling. It really is not your fault and you can't help it. You might need different doses, different tablets but some will work for you. I took Prozac too for a while when the other seemed to stop working and that was excellent.

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fourbears · 30/05/2012 20:08

Sorry, such an essay! Thought I would post that and then carry on in case it all went pouff!

I have also read that things from childhood are very much stirred up when you become a parent yourself so it's no wonder you're struggling. The GP should be able to refer you for some sort of talking therapy. Please ask for that as well as the tablets. Of course, there are waiting lists and limited number of sessions so if you can going privately might be worth it. I am now paying for counselling now and wish I had done it earlier.

Something else if I can suggest it. Would you be comfortable or in a position to get some child care for your DD? I found a lovely childminder and my LO did go for a day a week from 13 months, building up to 3 or 4 days now at nearly 4, just school hours. It has made all the difference to me, as much as the ads. I feel guilty as I'm still not working and off the ads but I don't want to slip back and she loves being with the other children, something she wouldn't have got with me as I closed the world out for a long time. I figure I'll do anything to stay here and be in one piece for my family even if it seems a bit odd to others.

You will get through this very difficult time and enjoy life very soon being a family of three and still a couple with your own special relationship. Do let me know how you're getting on. I will try to answer any questions and will be thinking of you and willing you on. Love fourbears x

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BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 30/05/2012 21:33

I'd just like to add that it is possible to be a good parent despite a less-than-perfect upbringing... when DD(5) is cheeky/naughty, the first thought that pops into my head is 'beat the crap out of her', because that's what would've happened to me... but I don't, I have never hit her.

I have taken a step back from my instinctive reaction, I have strategies to use for discipline (from books and on here) and I am a reasonably good parent. IMHO Grin. Maybe a bit shoutier than the ideal though Blush

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WorldOfMeh · 30/05/2012 21:47

Please go and see your GP. It sounds like you have PND to me, too.

I can't write much (falling-over tired), but just want to let you know that you are not alone in feeling the way you do. I am currently being treated for PND: my daughter is 10 months old, too. One of my biggest fears is to make her afraid of me like I was of my mother, or treating her in the way my parents treated me.

However, since starting meds things have started to get a lot better. Not only that, but my GP (who has three kids herself) was very understanding and told me about a creche I could take my daughter to for a couple of hours so I could get a bit of breathing space. She now goes to creche for a couple of sessions a day, and a childminder for one afternoon. Another thing I just started doing that is really helping is to carry her in a backpack when I need to do stuff as she likes being up there and it means I can do chores/whatever without her driving me nuts because she wants attention. Apparently this can also promote bonding- not that I know much about that, but if you're interesting, look up 'baby wearing' for the various apparent benefits.

I am also on the waiting list for counselling. Have you had any before to try to deal with your childhood?

Please be kind to yourself. It's a hell of an adjustment to make, especially when you've not got a 'perfect' childhood to draw upon. I would like to say though, that I now really feel that dealing with my past and being mindful of my 'stuff' does make me a better parent than I had any right to expect. So there really is hope, especially as you have a supportive, kind partner. Don't know where I'd be without mine!

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WorldOfMeh · 30/05/2012 21:53

Sorry, missed the part where you said you'd already been diagnosed. D' oh! Your GP is right. Also, you might find the http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/1440266-Sertraline-and-any-other-ADs-support-thread support thread helpful to read. Best of luck!

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RachaelRB · 31/05/2012 18:08

Thank you so much for your help/advice/kindness. I really appreciate it!!

I know that I am suffering with hormones and chemicals on top but I still don't understand how anything I do will make this better.

Against my everything, I tried prozac for 4 days. I felt crazy on them and felt more mental, fighting them because I was so against taking them - it was like they made me feel worse because I was never someone who believed taking anti-d was OK...."only mental people take them" so I was so against them....and went off them.

I want to do this naturally so have been googling alternative therapies and help with depression and all that i have tried, some crazy in themselves!!, I don't feel better.

I'm so scared that I never will feel better because I SO see how beautiful my daughter is, how special she is, when she laughs I crumble...every day - a delight.....I hug her and think how amazing and sweet, and truly beautiful she is...but, it doesn't make what I feel go away at all!! Why isn't that enough?? I feel so upset that it is because of her that I am feeling all of these awful horrible things ...what I had to do in order to get her here ....now my life is over ...especially the freedom my Husband & I had together, the immense unhappiness of being so responsible FOREVER (so scary) - a wrecked body....my poor boobs are completely ruined, hideous, which has made me so self-conscience and not wanting to be naked in front of my husband at all - we had the most amazing love like before...even up to the night before I went into labour!!

The main reason I feel this way is that I was so unhappy for most of my life, until 7 years ago until I met my beautiful husband....then, I was so so so so happy, every day since that day....so happy and now I'm the most unhappy I've ever been......

The fact that I feel my entire amazing world is gone...."Me" is gone with that ...and all of the things I used to love doing/being/feeling with my love, are gone forever. I get smacked with memories when I look at photos/clothes, furniture items even, and they remind me of all of the times before when I felt SO happy - and not that long ago - so close I can still touch it and yet, it's gone forever...... I'm so frightened that taking drugs won't fix that feeling of immense loss....because I can't see how I'll ever feel happy again. Like someone died...me too..I feel like I died :(

How will taking drugs fix that? I feel so selfish that I think this way - what's wrong with me????? It's awful....why I would prefer to die than think any of these evil thoughts

Anyway, I am so happy to hear that I will feel better eventually if I take drugs...I may go back to the doctor if the next "hippy" thing I do doesn't work. It involves going back to my past and facing my demons which is awful and terrifying but nothing as terrifying as this and feeling no way out!

Thank you so much everyone x

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BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 31/05/2012 20:21

Being a new parent is like starting life all over again, it's true - but there's no reason why Mum Rachael can't be as happy, and have as much fun as Mrs Rachael pre-baby. At the minute, your PND is like a big soggy black blanket squelching all over your true thoughts and feelings. So what is going on in your head right now, isn't necessarily what you're really thinking ( I know this sounds wacky but bear with me Grin). Once you get the PND off, you can start to really think, and really feel again. I don't think alternative therapies are going to do the job here, you're going to have to wallop it with some proper medication.

"only mental people take them" Oi! Shock Grin There are lots of lovely posters on here who have been/are taking anti-D's, I assure you they're not 'mental'. Mostly. Smile

Look, my last pregnancy buggered up my liver a bit; I had to take medication for the last few months of PG, and for quite a while after - I bet you would have too, right? But your pregnancy buggered up your brain a bit, so you're going to need to take tablets for a while to sort it out. It's not any different really, just biology and chemistry; you can't choose what illness you get like fourbears says.

And once you've cleared the PND and your brain is working properly again, maybe ask your GP (I thought she sounded nice?) about getting referred for some counselling, like WorldofMeh said. Have you talked to your husband about how you feel, by the way? I don't think you said?

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RachaelRB · 31/05/2012 21:26

Yes my hubby knows everything. He feels awful for me and would do annnnything to make me better ....and has been trying so hard, so hard to make it go away but ...he can't. That's the thing that has made this all so much worse. He's always been able to "fix me" when I went through anything bad (when my childhood reared it's ugly head) but he hasn't/can't fix this one....makes me feel I'm more doomed.

Anyway, I'm sowee, I didnt mean to be offensive about anti-depressants :) but I've had a lifetime of avoiding them as, for me, it felt like defeat to the darkness but I do now see, it may mean saving myself.

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fourbears · 03/06/2012 17:55

Hi Rachael

Sorry i haven't been posting - had family stuff to deal with. How are you doing? Been thinking of you. Have you decided to give the anti despressants a go?

Take care Thanks xx

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Damash12 · 03/06/2012 17:55

Hi I have had times like you where nothing makes sense and you feel like you a on a uphill struggle. Firstly - please please take the anti depressants. I too rsfused for a year trying every natural remedy from Kalms to yoga to reflexology, NOTHING worked. Then a very understanding dr said to me " In our brain we have a tiny tiny bottle of seratonin (feel good stuff) and if things are good and we are happy this stays filled up. However, if something traumatic or shockinging happens to us it drops sometimes to a really low level which our bodies/ brains can't make enough of to get us feeling well again. If more pressure is put on us we get worse and worse and feel shocking. You have to take anti depressants for quite sometime and the reason is they put back a minute amount of seratonin back into your brain every single day. Now this is probably a very basic way for them to explain what they do but after it I thought what the hell, it can't be any worse than I already feel. So I began taking them and had a few annoying side affects for the first 2 weeks and then this went and I still felt rubbish but not desperate and crying, after 4 weeks onwards I started to really pick up and returned to work and more importantly felt like me again. A few months in and I said I would stay on them forever as I felt so much better and only you know how horrendous the thoughts and feelings that you are getting now actually are. I think from you posts you do have depression and I think the pills would help massively along with maybe some counselling and like the other suggestion of daycare 1 day a week for you to do whatever you need too. I bet at the end of that day you will be bursting to collect your daughter in a few months time. Please also remember, it won't always be like this, at 10 months your daughter needs you all the time but this time will pass quickly, my son is nearly 4 and for the last 6 months as really become I dependant and plays for hours with his cars, feeds himself and takes himself off to the toilet so soon you really will have some more time for the 2 of you. But I know what you mean, some days I long for the time me and my husband would meet at the pub after work for a glass of wine, play a game of pool if we wanted or go for a meal just cos we wanted too, it is hard and we used to make sure we had date nights regularly and my mum would have my son overnight. Do you have this Orion as again it can make a difference. Good luck and I really hope you get better soon.
You where happy once and so can be again!

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RachaelRB · 07/06/2012 12:14

Thanks so much for all of your advice girls!

I'm actually feeling a bit better since posting to you. Was like finally getting it out, well spilling it out should I say :), made a difference.

My Hubby and I have had lengthy discussions and realise the importance of keeping us strong and close so we're talking about getting a nanny down the track which already feels better. We had a date on Saturday leaving our girl with a friend for few hours and it was really good.

I will make an appointment for next week to get anti-ds. Wasn't looking forward to the side-effects, ESP having any more of my hair fall out (which has been awful but thankfully it's growing back slowwwwwly), but will definitely try it out after all of your good advice.

I hope it helps me Deal with the awful feeling of huge responsibility! I want to enjoy being a mother and just hopes the lack of seretonion helps that huge weight of me not wanting it disappear!!

Take care
Xx

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AdeleVarens · 08/06/2012 00:01

Rachael, I have a new baby and understand what you're feeling because I shared a lot of it for the first six weeks or so of my baby's life - the sick feeling of horror I had made an enormous mistake, the feeling of betraying the long and very happy relationship my husband and I have had, the fear of what my life had become. I kept seeing myself throwing my baby against the wall, I kept screaming to my husband that we needed to get the baby adopted or fostered, that I just couldn't do it etc etc. It was an appalling time, made worse by the fact that my milk never came in and I had an awful time trying and failing to breastfeed.

I used exactly the same expression you used in your OP - I felt I'd died, and that I was in mourning for myself. The fact that I loved my baby made it seem worse.

And it passed. I'm not sure what exactly changed - maybe just that I recovered from the birth, stopped panicking and realised it was OK to mourn a part of my life that was over, that the new part might be just as good or better in time, and that my husband and I didn't love one another any less because we'd made a gorgeous baby together. I also talked a lot with a friend who was open about her own post-natal depression and the fact she'd spent the first months of her eldest child's life thinking she'd ruined her life.

I'd suggest you seek counselling with someone good, and talk your feelings through - they seem entirely normal to me, and I think you're probably a fabulous mother, and will be an even better one when you've sorted out your head a bit. Best wishes to you.

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AdeleVarens · 08/06/2012 00:01

Rachael, I have a new baby and understand what you're feeling because I shared a lot of it for the first six weeks or so of my baby's life - the sick feeling of horror I had made an enormous mistake, the feeling of betraying the long and very happy relationship my husband and I have had, the fear of what my life had become. I kept seeing myself throwing my baby against the wall, I kept screaming to my husband that we needed to get the baby adopted or fostered, that I just couldn't do it etc etc. It was an appalling time, made worse by the fact that my milk never came in and I had an awful time trying and failing to breastfeed.

I used exactly the same expression you used in your OP - I felt I'd died, and that I was in mourning for myself. The fact that I loved my baby made it seem worse.

And it passed. I'm not sure what exactly changed - maybe just that I recovered from the birth, stopped panicking and realised it was OK to mourn a part of my life that was over, that the new part might be just as good or better in time, and that my husband and I didn't love one another any less because we'd made a gorgeous baby together. I also talked a lot with a friend who was open about her own post-natal depression and the fact she'd spent the first months of her eldest child's life thinking she'd ruined her life.

I'd suggest you seek counselling with someone good, and talk your feelings through - they seem entirely normal to me, and I think you're probably a fabulous mother, and will be an even better one when you've sorted out your head a bit. Best wishes to you.

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fourbears · 03/07/2012 16:58

Hi Rachael - how are you doing now? Sorry I stopped posting, it got a bit hard talking about it, brought it back IYSWIM. Have been thinking of you and wondering how you're getting on with the anti depressants. Take good care x Smile

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NutellaNutter · 05/07/2012 10:43

Some counselling as well would also do you the world of good.

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RachaelRB · 13/07/2012 11:00

Hi Girls

Thank you for all of your posts!!

I haven't checked it in a while ...

I'm doing a lot better.....didnt get anti depressants in the end... still hard days but what's getting me through is the fact that it is ok to feel what I feel (rather an feeling so evil). It doesn't mean I don't love my baby, etc...I realise that it's also ok to not like being a mother (what that responsibility/burden feels like is awful to me - I'm the CEO of the company now and there's no one higher than me to take some of the pressure off - I have to do the best job or we go under, hehe, for want of better ways of describing it)...also doesn't mean I don't love this precious little angel, either...she's absolutely adorable...I want to squish her so much :))

Rather than think of how hard the day is/was, am focusing on remembering the good/high points of the day which also helps.

The reason I wanted to write my post and spilled "everything" is that I guess i wanted to hear how someone who felt/feels/understands the way I do, got through it all ...and that the special love you shared remains strong, as it was, etc. I especially wanted to hear if anyone could tell me how they got through it all....so i could see the other side ...so I could have hope that people do make it through when they feel the way I do. The other thing is that, unfortunately, I havent come across one couple in my entire life where they are still love each other, deeply, and put their marriage first..most end in separation/divorce...everyone seems to go down the path of eventually just making their life about their children and I don't agree with this. Your children enrich your life...not replace your partner's role. I've also come across this in last year of new parents "replacing" their partner with their babies - where they even admit it! Had one guy friend say "it's like having a new chick..the excitement is back". Another girlfriend saying that her man has replaced her with their daughter and it upsets her but she has to let it be...? I personally don't understand this. You can't have been very much in love to begin..

I know there's lots of different ways people become parents ...very different stories and I'm a lucky one, I know this (which i really see) that has support from a wonderful loving man who adores me and is very much by my side...I feel so much for single mums/widows - my heart goes out to them so much!

Anyway, all feels good there for me/us. We've had lengthy (lengthy) discussions on making lots of time together and have booked two week long holidays this year, together, alone, already and aim for this to always be the case. We both feel the same way, which is good. This whole process gave us a wake up on how much a baby can change everything and potentially send us down the path we don't want at all and that's being separated ...a broken family which I'm from and never want for my own family.

I am looking into counselling to help deal with my childhood trauma because I believe this will help me....I know that's why I didn't cope ...I've had a pretty shite life and then it became amazing when I met my husband...then I felt I gave my happiness up, when I only just got it! It all makes sense at least. Not crazy ;))

Anyway, best be off but thank you again girls. It's very useful having threads like this to help us through a very tough transition into the hardest, most frightening role of our lives so far. I'm just happy I can see through the darkness enough to know that eventually it will be ok :))

Xx

Ps Thanks fourbears!!!!

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