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Our Antenatal and Postnatal Depression forum is a supportive space where you can share your postnatal depression experiences.

Antenatal/postnatal depression

Anyone else not realise they had PND until a lot later down the line??

8 replies

greenshoot19 · 15/05/2012 12:09

My gorgeous girl is nearly 2 and I'm only just beginning to realise I more than likely had post-traumatic stress (due to tricky delivery) and PND (maybe linked?). I'm naturally a positive bubbly person, so maybe I didn't allow myself to acknowledge the gut-wretching disappointment I found the first year of her life. Now I look back and see the consistent panic, the fear, the absolute meltdowns, the alternate version of me, the not really wanting to live sometimes, I think 'of course!!' but at the time, because there were also times I felt things were going well and I was getting on top of things I thought it wasn't a big deal. I wish I'd known I needed help!! How could I not see it??

I am now seeing a councillor because there's been several other things also going on in my life to deal with all at once (bereavement, family illness, job insecurity etc.), which has been amazing and I definitely know I am out of the woods, but I am just curious if anyone out there can relate? Thanks :)

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BBisTitanium · 15/05/2012 12:54

I didnt personally, but a close friend of mine was not diagnosed until her DD was 18 months, With help they have built their relationship, and she has gone on to have DD2 with no PND, So whilst I cant relate personally you arent alone Smile

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JeanBodel · 15/05/2012 13:02

Yeah, me. Looking back, the sobbing uncontrollably into my pillow every night should have been a warning sign. But, you know, I was depressed. I wasn't thinking straight. :)

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MrsWajs · 15/05/2012 20:22

Yup I've just been diagnosed with PND and anxiety disorder and my DD is 1, think I've known for a while that things weren't right but tried to ignore it, the turning point was when I started having panic attacks at work and realised that I had to do something to make myself better.

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redbunnyfruitcake · 19/05/2012 16:59

Funny as i was just thinking about this today. My DD is 2.8 and a real joy but I can honestly say I have only just come to love and really accept her and my role as her mother. I know how terrible that sounds but the truth is I feel I have been living with some kind of low grade PND since her birth and have only just realized.

I spent to much of her babyhood crying, shouting at my DH, angry, distracted and trying to get away. I even offered my DH to take her and I would start a new life elsewhere. I really did not want to be there. Saying that I did everything to the extreme, I breastfed, coslept, carried her in sling, would not attempt contolled crying for fear of 'damaging' her and never had a night out until she was at least 1.5. I maybe thought that by doing all that stuff I could show I cared but in fact I was not emotionally present at all.

I didn't realize that part of looking after DD involved looking after myself too. It has only been since she has been going to nursery and I finally did CC to get her to sleep that I have found any kind of happiness again. I now have two free days in which I am fortunate to do whatever I please and I don't feel guilty. I feel grateful. Had I not admitted all this stuff to myself and tried a different tack I may well have run away by now leaving a huge hole both our lives.

And I can honestly say that as she lay in bed with me today and snoozed away I felt real, true love for her in a way I never had before. I knew then that it had finally arrived.

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greenshoot19 · 19/05/2012 17:59

Thanks for all your replies :) Glad to hear that things are better for you now redbunny. I too feel like I'm properly beginning to enjoy having a daughter, especially as she actually gives me something back now, like hugs and kisses!

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DameFlatYouLent · 24/05/2012 13:27

Me!!! It was as the fog started lifting, about 2 months ago (DS aged 16m) that I started to realise the last 16m shouldn't have been so absolutely horrific. I don't know if I'm completely past it (I've had depression in the past so obviously have a predisposition) but DC2 is due in Oct and I am terrified. I didn't bond even slightly with DS for many many months, and absolutely hated my life. I'm so afraid it's going to be just as bad with this one, and I don't know what to do about it.

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DameFlatYouLent · 24/05/2012 13:28

redbunny I can really, really relate to your post

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Niceupthedance · 24/05/2012 19:21

Yes, me. I have just finished three months of counselling because I felt I wasn't bonding with my son, who is now 17mo.

In the process I have realised I must have had PND, although it didn't manifest like my previous depressive episodes. I didn't cry, but I was desperate to get away and just felt hopeless and that life was just shit. I'd blanked out most of my pregnancy, so felt like my son had just landed on earth some days. I used to look at him and think 'where did you come from?', especially when he started pulling up and cruising, and it was like having an out of body experience.

I struggled with having no identity really badly. Oh it was all just a bit grim. But now I am making time to get myself back out of the hole, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. But no more children for me!

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