Can you swing in and out of PND? Should DH help me out of it or leave me to it?

[twinklingfairy]

My DS is nearly 3.5 and for about 3 years I was in a 'fug', that is my way of putting it, but I think that had I ever been able to articulate what I was feeling during those years instead of convincing myself I was fine and simply blaming my DS for being a 'difficult' baby (he wasn't, in hindsight) then I would/should have been diagnosed with PND.
During that time DH and I struggled to cope. I put up barriers around me so that he simply couldn't get near. Because to allow him in was to set myself up to fall.
DH is rubbish when it comes to my emotions. Always has been, and that is before either of my children were born.
If I get upset or emotional he backs of. Literally.
As I cry he stands at the other side of the room, or on the other couch, or basically at least 5 foot away.
So it was easier just to put up my barriers and plug on alone than to attempt to look to him for any support.

Nearly 3 years after DS, I suddenly felt, for reasons I will never know, like I was emerging from my fug. Able to look back and see that that was where I had been.
It was a pretty amazing time. I felt like I was emerging from a crysalise! (sorry, sp )

6 months on and I have had an incredibly bad day, yesterday.
over something really stupid.
I came home to rant at DH about it, explaining that I wasn't ranting at him, just about the stupid thing.
He sat and he listened but, he says I started to repeat myself, I could see my time limit was pretty much up but my frustration was not released enough.
I went to get the children ready for bed. He stayed where he was
So I got angry and shouted for him to help. He shouted back that he was doing......
He came up, but immediately left again to get changed.
I saw red and blew up!
He took DD away to brush her teeth, whilst I tried to calm myself doing DS teeth.
Then sat to read through a book, possibly for their bed time story ( it was awful! Glad I had read it through!) was feeling calmer when he entered the room and growled that I should leave.
Why?
Because you are upsetting things.
I am just reading a book.
I think you should leave, you are upsetting everybody.
What, by reading quietly??
Kaboom, it went off again.

I ended up leaving the room but my frustration was so high that I sat in a daze on our bed, trying to sort out my head, but ended up unable and scratched my arm ( an age old thing, haven't done it for nearly 10 years)

After I had calmed enough to say my goodnights to the children (before which DH was sent by DD (5yo) to apologise to me. An apology I was unable to accept because I had heard it wasn't his, but hers) I, once again sat in a daze.
DH went downstairs, tidied up, came upstairs, had a shower. Basically avoided me. Actually I wouldn't give him that, he had no idea that I was still in a state.

Finally I moved downstairs and he came to ask if I was ok.
A long discussion then started (him standing by the door) whilst I cried and tried to explain about the way my head felt messed up, I had scratched (he came, looked, then retreated to the door again)
He couldn't get that it can come from nowhere, he wanted to see a trigger, so that he could shout at the trigger.
Was it my sis, my mum, him.........
No, it's me. My head is a mess.
He wouldn't, couldn't accept it.
What did I want from him? What could he have done?

Well, not distance himself, tell me 'enough', wind me up by dismissing me from the children's room, or just by dismissing me in general.
hold me, is all, when I need it. See that that is what I need. I need to release the frustration and the anger or it manifests itself and becomes so much more!

All he did was say it was late he needed his bed, he had had a bad day, he had a busy day tomorrow, it was 1030, he needed his bed. Eventually, I need to pee. At which point he did not return.

Today he phones to see if I am ok, but proceeds to tell me again why he does not/did not have time, could not have done anything different.
Ah well as long as I am ok, then that is ok then.

arrrrrrghghhg.
It is like he is phoning a friend, there is a distance between me having issues/problems and his part in helping me through them.
He is my husband, not my mate! ?

All the while I wonder, should I actually go to a doctor?
I have never been, about this.
DH convinced me that I shouldn't bother, when I came out of my fug. MN did too. People said, do you feel bad now, do you feel you need help.
At the time I felt no. I felt elated.
Now?.............

Is it PND or just simply depression?
My brother said, a long long time ago, that he had bipolar.
Do I?

Or is this just a blip, can I move on?
I have only had one other episode since the magical 3 year mark. I recovered from that?

[racingheart]

In my experience of PND it just doesn't go away unaided. You sound like you have it. that triggerless anger and despair is a symptom (I'm not doctor just a fellow sufferer.) My life was transformed by the right medication. Anti-depressants aren't a sign of failure any more than insulin is for a diabetic. Worth going to your GP and trying soemthing.

Good luck. (Sorry got to go, kids just back from school.)

[twinklingfairy]

The doc told me that I couldn't be diagnosed with PND after so long. That PND could only be for one year, after that its plain old depression.
He thinks I have mild depression and has me on a list for behavioural therapy, I think he said, cognitive something or other.
It wasn't much fun sitting crying at him as soon as I started talking but, I feel better for having said it instead of constantly telling myself I am fine, just a bad day or that I am just over reacting to stuff.
He said, at this point it is best to avoid drugs if we can.
I worry that I will be having a good spell when I get my appointments and will feel a fool for creating a fuss.