Feeling like I can't cope

[missduff]

I'm 22 weeks pregnant, have 2 yo DS and 2 step kids (4 &6) and really feeling like I can't cope with this life anymore.
Sometimes I even wonder how I ended up in this situation, I've never wanted 4 kids! Well the step kids are only here at weekend.
Last night I got in a right stress about everything and told DP I can't cope with his kids here every weekend and that I want it to be every other weekend which then led to an argument where in not so many words I said I didn't like his kids.
I feel awful, but at the same time I feel like I'm right in what I'm saying and I sometimes think I'd rather be on my own with 2 kids than have to cope with 2 rather unruley step kids every weekend. I need peace and quiet time.
The thing is when I'm feeling happy I don't really feel like this, it's only when I'm stressed that these feelings come to the surface.
DP just doesn't get why I feel like I can't cope with 4 kids, he's a natural with kids and it's just like water off a ducks back to him but to me it's not so easy.
I think it's not helping that I've been permanently ill during this pregnancy which is now beginning to take its toll on me.
I'm just not sure what to do about it? Do I reside to the fact that I can never be a good step mum and leave DP despite the fact I love him to pieces?
Or how can I make DP understand how I'm feeling? The trouble is cos I'm feeling the way I am I'm struggling to communicate it well to him, I tend to just get upset and say things I don't mean

[coffeewhitenosugar]

Hi, I didn't want to leave this unanswered and I'm really sorry you are feeling like this. Your hormones will be all over the place and being ill will make you feel extra tired plus having a 2 year old is pretty full-on too. If you love your dp I personally think it would be a shame to leave him - he sounds like a good dad and partner and there aren't so many of them around. It is (or can be) hard having step-kids but right now as you say you are feeling worse because you are so tired and stressed. Can you open up to your dp and tell him how you are feeling or maybe write it down - sometimes it helps to put things in writing so you can express yourself properly? Also, are you able to talk to your midwife about it? Kids grow up and your step kids may want to be doing other things on weekends in a few years time leaving you much more time with your dp and your own kids but try to remember the step kids are only little and are probably hurting and finding this hard too - after all, their dad is living with you and your children all the time. I hope you can sort this together and that it has a happy ending for you. If it was me I would try to make it work but whatever you decide I hope you are happy.

[missduff]

Thanks, well after an awful day yesterday where I felt totally helpless and cried solidly for hours and hours and hours and came close to harming myself I took myself to doc's today and she's signed me off work, prescribed ad's and referred me for counselling.
Not sure how I feel about taking ad's when pregnant but will do some research before starting taking them.
I have spoken with DP and told him my fears and anxieties, things like if I'm feeling awful and tired and exhausted with a new baby then I need to be able to feel like I can say that I need a quiet weekend so I'd like the arrangements with the kids to just be more flexible. He agrees and hopefully now that he's seen the anxiety it's causing me he might now be finally beginning to understand.
He assures me he'll speak to his ex this weekend about the childcare arrangements, the trouble is she's one of these Mum's who seems to want her kids as little as possible and refuses to not go out every single Friday, Saturday and Sunday night so I'm not very confident in her being very keen on the idea of his contact with them being a little less rigid.

[coffeewhitenosugar]

Well done for going to the doctors that was really brave and very sensible - I hope everything works out really well for you all.