Am i cut out to be a mum?

[Zoero]

I'm well and truly angry at the moment. BAby is 6 weeks. I started out having very definite views about what I would do as a parent. Breastfeeeding on demand was very important to me, as was baby wearing/slings/carriers. I also wanted to use cloth nappies.

However! Im feeling incredibly overwhelmed by this new baby. I can't cope. I'm finding that i'm getting constantly angry with my baby. He feeds constatnly throughout the day like he's constantly snacking or somehing. This tires me out so much. He's also fussy at the breast - the nipple is in the right place and his mouth is wide open but he doesn't take it. Wer''e both getting annoyed with each other i think. Also, he's constantly clearing his throat and ends up getting upset with this. I have no clue what to do about this. Also, he has bad nappy rash with cream from gp.

I have no family near by and i don't get on with my mum anyway (she's very judgemental and if i tell her something personal she goes and blabs to other family members about me). the health visitor and GP are both not very good. whenever i go to see them they always say "this is normal for a baby" - well why am i going crazy then?! Am i a bad mother?!

I'm starting to think that perhaps i should just put him in a nursery where someone who knows what they're doing should look after him. But then what would i do at night - i can't get someone to look aftger him all the time.

The other thing i'm thinking of is just scraping everything. Stop the breast feeding and go to bottle, get rid of the ridiculous sling that i can't get the hang of (however, we live in a tiny top floor flat, so buggy would be impossible anyway) and using disposables. I read a few baby books whilst pregnant (Oliver James, Sue Gerhadt) and now that i've become a parent, they've made me feel like a complete failure because i'm not very good at all this. i feel that because ive got to this stage of being angry etc, i've ruined everything, ruined our bond and that my baby is going to hate me.

Is this postnatal depression or am i just completely incompetent at this? I'm so upset because i had no career anyway (just had a crappy job where i was the dogsbody), i just feel completely unable to do anything.

i don't know what to do, i can't go on like this.

[eggnut]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I don't know the answer to your question about whether it's postnatal depression or not (quite possibly is--depression for some people can definitely manifest as anger/impatience) but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I love my daughter but after only 2 weeks I am already feeling overwhelmed on many days by the constant nursing and the tedium of daylong baby care. The childcare books make me feel like a failure as well and I feel terrible that I'm not finding it more blissful but god it's frustrating spending so many hours stuffing a nipple into that tiny mouth and having my life controlled by it!

I'm sure you haven't ruined anything at all, you are feeding your baby and taking care of his basic needs even though it is difficult for you. Your baby will love you. If breastfeeding is specifically making you miserable, switching to formula will not ruin your baby either--the important thing is that baby gets fed somehow and you aren't miserable.

It does seem to be normal that sometimes (many times) they just need to feed, feed, feed. It helps me to know that this doesn't mean anything is wrong with my baby or my milk, but I have to have loads of novels on hand to read while I am nursing and just shut everything else out. I don't know how I'll feel after 6 weeks of this!

good luck

[usingapseudonym]

I am a second time around mum, so in theory "know what I'm doing" and I felt very very similarly to you at 6 weeks. I bf the first for over a year but was almost at breaking point at 6 weeks. I went to a lovely bf group where the lady suggested I didn't think of feeding forever - but just "the next day" or "the next feed" before making a decision. For some reason that felt manageable and at just over 3 months things are now feeling a bit more settled. Another friend said that 6-8 weeks was the "worst" period for her too. The initial excitement, adrenaline, etc has worn off and the sleepless nights and reality of baby is settling in.

You haven't failed, or ruined your bond, or anything. Honestly having a baby can be really really tough, especially without family support (we don't have that either) to give you a break. Is your partner supportive? Do you know any mums near you who might be able to come and keep you company? Or how about a childrens centre? They are variable but often have an under-ones group where you can meet some others with small babies, and the staff are often very supportive.

If you lived near me I'd come over, make you a cup of tea and offer some practical support, but an online post will have to do. I really feel for you having gone through such a similar stage a couple of months ago. All I can say is it will get better and easier. It is SUCH a huge shock to the system having a baby and adjusting to a new life. I'm sure you will be a good mum, its such early days yet and they do often want to feed a lot.

Do you have any bf support groups/ peer supporters/ cafe/ similar near you? That's often a safe place to feed and discuss any troubles you find (like constant feeding). It turrned out that my "constant feeder" had a tongue tie that was picked up at the bf group!.

[LittlePoot]

Ok - so firstly, no - you are neither incompetent or a failure. He could not possibly hate you - at the moment you are the centre of his universe and the only thing he wants. He's not angry with you - but the only noise he knows how to make yet is yelling. It's so tough when they can't give you any more interaction but that will soon start to improve. You are doing a really really good job, but it's hard to see that when you're the one relentlessly in there dealing with a newborn.

Please don't read any more books! I did exactly the same when I was pregnant and thought, although it sounded tough, I vaguelly knew what to do. Then baby came along and blew all that out of the water. He didn't do anything like the books said, I didn't know if I was coming or going, he never worked out how to latch on properly so ended up losing loads of weight and everyone just kept telling me that's just normal. Which really didn't help! A year on though, I can see that actually they were totally right and all of it, all the not having a clue what to do, is completely normal and part of the learning you and baby have to do now he is out in the real world.

I totally echo the advice to go to a breast feeding group - in fact, go to as many as you can get to. Don't worry if they sound odd or not like your thing. Although there might be one or two groups you might think were not your cup of tea, the vast majority will just be full of women like you, half of them in tears, with some lovely women who will watch, help, listen, or whatever else it is you'd like them to do. Please go. A friend of mine went to one almost every day at about the stage you're at and she's now still breastfeeding at 14 months.

Childrens Centres (google Sure Start and put in your postcode) are also great. But please don't feel (like I did) that everyone else is doing fine so these places will be full of smug new mums making everything look effortless. They're not. No-one knows what they're doing right now, even if they pretend they do. And if you do see someone with a perfectly quiet, still, sleeping cherub then don't worry - they'll still spend many hours a day/night dealing with the tough stuff. If not now, then later on.

All babies are difficult in their own way - you just need to work out what you and your baby's own way is. Please don't give up the breast feeding without trying some groups first. It's a major source of guilt for later on - even though it shouldn't be and formula is a perfectly adequate source of nutrition. With slings, some are easier than others and you will get better with practice. I got on well with the Close carrier and the Wilkinet. Other mates have done well with the BabyBjorn. But I probably would leave the cloth nappies for now. For these first 2 or 3 months, you can't be superwoman, and I think a few weeks of using disposables while you get used to things a bit more (and hopefully catch up with a bit of sleep) will really help. Bubba will have maybe 2 or 3 years in nappies, so the cloth will still make a difference later on. Just right now, I think your sanity is more important.

The constantly clearing his throat thing sounds familiar too. They're so mucous-y at the start and their skin seems to go from perfect peach to teenage acne and back every few days. I think it's something to do with going from a watery environment to a dry one now he's out. And the fact that nothing's fully developed yet. Mine used to grunt like a farmyard animal from 3am onwards every night to the point where I just wanted to throw him out of the window. It did (as many things do) get better by about 13 weeks, but they were by far the longest 13 weeks of my life.

Please give yourself a break - you really do sound like you're doing a brilliant job. The books have given you an unrealistic idea of how the first few weeks should pan out - go back to them when lo is 4 or 5 months old and they'll probably make a lot more sense. Try and do one thing a day - like going to a group. Do try and find some places with other new mums and you'll see they're all frazzled too. If you're really worried about pnd then push to see another gp. The breast feeding group women will also be able to talk to you - there's often nurses or hvs there too. But above all, please please don't feel you're doing anything wrong! Looking after a newborn is tough beyond anyone's expectations. The only thing you really need to do in these first few weeks is to keep them alive. The finessing can come later. x

[JuliaScurr]

Try a parent & baby group?
You might have PND, it's v common
I bet you're a great mother, otherwise you wouldn't be worrying about it.
Keep calm, it will all be fine
Get enough sleep and nutrition

[suzy82]

What you're feeling is completely normal for a lot of mothers so please don't worry. I spent the first three months with my first baby in tears thinking I was doing a lousy job. She didn't stop crying and neither did I! It does get better. Give yourself a break - I may get slammed by bf groups for this but if you're really struggling go for a bottle - I breastfeed both of mine for the first six weeks and it was a huge struggle. The minute they were bottle fed we were all a lot calmer. My sis in law managed to breast feed hers for 18 months - we're not all made the same way! Same for the nappies - make life easier for yourself and buy pampers. You can always go back to cloth nappies when both of you are more settled. Right now it's important for you to feel relaxed and happy. Believe me, it does get better so please, please don't worry and do talk to other mums in your area - you'll find you're not unique and it can help to share

[suzy82]

PS: Please do also talk to your midwife/GP again and explain how you're feeling - if you do have PND there is help available. Make sure you sleep when baby does - housework/washing etc can wait - your health is more important.

[Zoero]

THanks for all your replies, it has been helpful. I have been to breastfeeding groups, although I sometimes have trouble going because they are over 30 minutes away and as soon as I put baby in sling he starts to cry and do rooting reflex. I feel like i can't leave the house sometimes because of this. I'm stuck indoors all day - v depressing. Also sometimes i go to the group and it's more like a coffee morning where everyones just chatting about other stuff because they are practised breastfeeders, so i feel like it's not really helping me get through the tough bits because all the other mums who have 8 month olds already know what they're doing and just chat about other stuff. Also they're very busy! I could do with some one to one help in a quiet environment.

Also, in regards to his clearing his throat - what am i supposed to do when he does this? NOthing seems to help him, so should i just hold him in my arms to let him know i'm here, or put him down on the bed? It's just so upsetting because i can't seem to do anythig to sooth him through it. The other thing is that he strains awefully when he's trying to do a poo. Again, i can't do anything to help him. GP and HV say that's normal, but i feel awful not being able to help him. it's also very frustrating at night when I know his noises and crying are disturbing our neighbours and my partner. feels like its all my fault.

[Rollersara]

And if you do see someone with a perfectly quiet, still, sleeping cherub then don't worry - they'll still spend many hours a day/night dealing with the tough stuff. If not now, then later on.

Right now, that would be me. But then nobody saw me locked in the bathroom at 3am sobbing, "Please just be quiet!" at a screaming hungry baby who refused to feed for more than a few mouthfuls.

Regarding your second post, I have the straining thing going on too. It sounds terrible, but doesn't wake her up. I've given her infacol, which she seems to like but it doesn't stop her straining. But if she was in pain surely she'd wake up?!

Do you know your neighbours? I ask because we do, and I felt terrible for keeping them awake, but when my partner apologised they sid they hadn't heard her once!

No advice really, just listen to the GP and HV in that, if they say your baby's behaviour is normal, it probably is so don't beat yourself up. And don't underestimate the effect of sleep deprivation! It does very strange things to your emotions!

[LittlePoot]

Ah yes - the straining. That was the cause of the farmyard animal noises. With mine, it didn't necessarily seem to be related to when he actually had a poo, just a kind of nighttime stomach struggle we had to get through. It seems really common, but totally drove me nuts. I also tried infacol but I think it helped me more than him. Although I've heard other people with actual success from it. Also spent forever trying to get burps out in case that would help. Not sure it did. The only thing which really helped was time - by 13/14 weeks the grunting and straining seemed to stop by itself. A medic told me that in their first trimester in the real world, their tummies just don't work properly - not enough room in there for all the necessary tubing. So they struggle dreadfully. Doesn't help solve it, but at least you can try and take faith from the fact that it will pass. Eventually. The throat clearing is similar - not enough room between tummy and throat and also a load of mucus on board from the womb/birth/general shock at not living under water any more. I think your suggestion of holding him and making vaguelly soothing noises (even if they are soothing uses of rude words or pleadings for sleep) is about the best one. Try different positions to hold as well - ours for some reason loved being held by one hand across his belly with him facing out and that calmed a lot of crying. Lying on your arm on their tummy (tiger in a tree) works for some too. Some like jiggling, some like still. Some change their minds every time you pick them up.

As for disturbing people - your neighbours can get earplugs and it's presumably partly your partners fault for getting you pregnant in the first place?

The most important thing I've learned (and still have to regularly remind myself of) is that everything does pass and the struggles he's having to get his body to work right now are only temporary. Days may feel like they take years for you, but every day done is one day closer to this phase passing on. And it really really does get better. By 11 or so weeks I actually started to like mine. By 15 weeks I remember talking to another new mum about how brilliant they were. But at 5/6 weeks I was all for leaving home without him and didn't see how it would ever end. You're doing really well. x

[Zoero]

Hi Loopymumsy,

Thanks! We started out with the Hana Baby wrap (stretchy wrap) and this was sort of ok, but I found it really hard using on my own. On one occasion I got stuck at the doctors surgery with lo crying his heart out and I couldn't get him back in the sling. Wasn't a good time for me! So then I decided to by a soft structured carrier as i thought it was easier. We bought the Manduca. I'm not too impressed with the infant insert and now I kinda wish I got the Ergo with the insert as it looks really snug. Also the fabric of the Manduca (the bit that covers the babies back) is not very long with the Manduca, even with the zipped extension pocket open. This was disappointing as I thought this was an advantage of the Manduca, but with the zip closed it's quite small.

My main problem with both carriers is that if lo is slightly upset becuase he's hungry or whatever, he doesn't want to go in the sling. I keep thinking that it would be easier just to get a pram but this just isn't going to work with our flat and all the stairs.

Which carriers have you used and liked the most?

[Zoero]

Hi Littlepoot, thanks for your message. You have loads of great tips, thanks so much. I will definitely use the soothing rude words tonight. I think this will stop me getting angry and will probably make me laugh like it just has!

I just wish it wasn't like this (straining and throat clearing). Lots of people have said to me that it passes, but I don't want it to. What i mean is, i don't want to wish away the time, i just wish the hard bits weren't so hard. If i wish away the time i can imagine myself looking back with sadness that I wasn't making the most of every single minute with him. I've already started feeling sad when he grows out of his newborn clothes.

[LittlePoot]

So glad I can help. I just can't bear to see other people feeling as awful as I did at the start. One more useful thing someone said to me was that parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. In these first few weeks you get very little (positive) response from these funny little wriggly people we make so for me there was very little to make the most of. Then come the focussing eyes, the smiles, the giggles, the never taking their eyes off you.....you have all the time in the world to enjoy your gorgeous boy. But right now I think it's fine to admit he's not quite as gorgeous yet as he's going to be and to look forward to all the new developments to come. I don't miss the newborn bit at all and would love to get a 2 month old instead of a newby if/when I'm crazy enough to do this again.... Already you're sounding a tiny bit less unhappy and I think the less pressure you can put on yourself to do things "right", the more you'll find glimmers of real enjoyment pushing their way through the stress and sleeplessness.

[Consort]

Not much to add to other posts except to say I was in the same place at 6 weeks. Go easy on yourself. He's still getting used to the world, and you're having to cope with 24/7 demands on your body and mind. My DD is now 10 weeks and things have got so much better over the past week. Think we are finally getting used to each other. It will all come together, you'll see. Best of luck.

Re:wrap, baby bjorn was a bust for us but moby wrap has been a God send. DD didn't like it at first, but now loves it.