Worried I've got PND - sorry, very long!

[fhdl34]

I apologise in advance for the length, in part I think that I need to get some of this stuff out as much as I need a response.
I've had depression twice in the past so am quite good in recognising the symptoms in myself. I'm wondering if I'm starting to get depressed again now. DD is 11 weeks and we've gotten off to a great start as mother and child. Breastfeeding is going really well, despite EMCS and being in scbu for 2hrs post delivery, we did skin to skin as soon as she got back and she latched on immediately. I'm particularly happy that the breastfeeding is going so well as it was very important to me even during pregnancy and I do equate it for myself to being a good mum and I take pride in the fact that we're doing so well with it.
My section wound has not healed yet, I'm having it packed and dressed everyday and this has been ongoing for 9 weeks now. It keeps getting infected which is slowing down the healing process, and sometimes, it has even reversed it. I was told to stop all housework and rest as much as possible until it has fully healed. My husband took a week off work a fortnight ago so that I could properly rest to try and get it fully healed but unfortunately, at the beginning of last week it got infected again.
Today I've got up, got showered and dressed, come downstairs to have breakfast (DD is still asleep), and just started crying into my branflakes. I can't stop thinking about something that happened on Saturday night with my MIL, which I've already posted about separately. The issue is pretty much resolved but what is bothering me is my obsessive thinking about it since then, I can't let it go and feel I've been judged (not for anything to do with DD, the issue was related to money and my DH).
Whilst my DH was off for the week, he was doing all DD's nappy changes and by the end of the week, although I'd done all her feeding (she doesn't have bottles) and she'd taken all her naps with me (she goes down at night but all her daytime naps are taken on one of us), I felt a bit distant from her. My mum came to help last Monday and Tuesday but to be honest, I was glad she wasn't here for the rest of the week because I wanted it to be just me and DD so I could enjoy her on my own.
My wound is really getting me down, it's bothering me quite a lot that I can't sit on the floor with DD now that she's enjoying being down there on her playmat. I want to take her to singing groups at my local children's centre but I can't sit on the floor with her. I think people will think it's because of my weight but it's because I'm worried of tearing my wound even more. The doctor doesn't think it will heal perfectly and I'll be left with a flap of skin. This really doesn't bother me because no-one will ever see it and so long as it's strong and not prone to infection, it's not an issue as I've had stretchmarks all over my body for a long time anyway plus the skin wasn't perfect to begin with as there were quite deep stretchmarks there to begin with. I really don't want to go back into hopsital to have it re-cut and stitched because of the breastfeeding and restarting the recovery process all over again.
My DH is doing his best with the housework and washing but that's getting me down as well, I've never been very tidy but prior to DD's arrival, the house was pristine. DD is such a content baby, she is now happy to go on her playmat or in her chair for sometimes an hour at a time and this is time I could spend either sitting on the floor with her (can't because of my wound) or doing some cleaning or washing (can't because of instructions to rest).
For the first few weeks of having it packed and dressed I was walking to the doctors everyday because I couldn't drive and I think that really helped me because of getting out of the house and also, because my house has steps in and out all the doors, my mum came everyday to help me get the pushchair out so I also saw an adult during the day. But since being told to rest as much as possible, I've been leaving DD with either my mum or DH and driving to the surgery to get the wound packed and dressed. I feel like getting back to walking there would help my mood but I really don't want to have my mum come and help with the pushchair in and out of the house. I feel I can do it myself (much as I do the housework) but I know that I shouldn't be putting my wound at risk. Part of the reason I don't want her to come and do it is because I'm starting to feel antisocial, I don't want to see people, I just want it to be me and DD. But the kitchen is such a state, I just wonder how I'm going to get through the day without just cleaning it.
I'm sorry to go on, I do feel better for getting it all out. I'm wondering if I should sacrifice my "not doing anything bar look after DD for the wounds sake" to help me mentally.
If you've read this far, thank you. Even if I don't get a reply, it's done me some good to get this all out. I may do this again at some point as it's helped me to get it out but not to someone in RL who would think this all a bit silly.

[Flisspaps]

Firstly - breathe :)

It sounds like you're doing brilliantly - looking after a baby is bloody hard work, even without a CS wound to deal with - never mind one that isn't healing well.

If you want to get out and about, is it OK for you to use a sling? I'm not sure if this is a possibility with your scar still healing, but it might be worth asking the GP. That way you won't need help getting up and down the steps with the pram and you'll have a bit of independence back. Or can you do something like have DH put the pram at the bottom of the steps in the morning with a rain cover over it to stop it getting wet if it rains, and if you need to then use a bike chain to keep it secure? Then you only have to carry DD and a changing bag out to it if you're going somewhere.

Or, next time you go to get the wound packed, ask the GP if you are at a stage where you can lift the buggy on your own.

Please don't sacrifice your healing time for the sake of a clean kitchen. If you bugger your wound up then you're going to regret it for the sake of a bit of washing up and mopping. Honestly. Pristine houses and little babies don't mix. Sod the cleaning. It doesn't matter.

Take DD to the children's centre if you want to - chances are you aren't going to be the only one who's had a CS or healing problems so there'll be other women there who understand why you can't sit on the floor. You might not even be the only one on a chair, and if you are then who cares? It won't stop you from joining in and having a good old sing along :)

And if you really do think you're suffering from PND then please, please talk to your GP or HV at the next possible time. Don't leave it any longer than you have to!

[fhdl34]

Thank you for replying, it made me cry.
I told DH before he left for work that I thought I was getting depressed again, he wants to take some time off work but I told him not to because I think it will make it worse although the house is an issue. I suggested we pay for a cleaner out of our savings to come and do a one off big clean but he says he can do it; I don't feel he can keep up with it all. Don't get me wrong, I know pristine cannot be maintained but we have dogs and there are clumps of dog hair everywhere, it gets me down.
Part of me feels it's very early to think it's PND but I know what I'm like, I never sit and start crying for no reason. But then when he brought our DD down this morning before work, she makes me smile so much and brings me happiness. When I've been depressed in the past nothing made me smile so that is confusing. I feel that perhaps I need to take each day at a time. I certainly feel better having written down and acknowledged how I feel at the moment and also mentioning the crying to DH helped as well. I can see the beautiful blue sky today and I feel like its calling to me. I also don't feel that caring for DD is hard work, she really is a very easy baby, barely cries and is happy to just sit in her chair, it's not being able to do anything else when I could be that's bothering me. She doesn't want to sit with me all the time anymore, she likes a bit of space and to just look around from her chair or playmat. I just end up sitting her and looking at her (which can be quite mesmerising) or going online.
I feel quite confused but I think I might continue to use this post almost like a blog and try and write down how I feel so I can make sense of it and get things out when I need to.
I'm getting wound packed later on today, I will talk to the nurse (she was also a midwife years ago) but I think it'll be hard, I feel like I might just end up crying on her because she's so nice.

[Flisspaps]

Cry at the nurse if you need to.

AFAIK there are no rules to depression so if you don't sit and cry for no reason, that doesn't mean you aren't depressed (nor does it mean that you are).

If you will feel better having someone in to do a one off clean, and you can afford to do it, then do it. If it's going to help you then it's worth it. Then it means that your DH just has to maintain what's already done, rather than having to start from scratch. He's not the one sat there looking at it all day.

Having him at home for another few days (again, if you can afford it) sounds like a good idea to me - even if it's to stop you doing all the housework yourself!

Do you have a garden that you can go and sit in to enjoy this beautiful day? If not, what about getting a dining chair (if you can shift one) and sitting at the front door, in the sunshine with your DD?

[fhdl34]

Just had the outreach worker from the surestart centre round, he said they can accommodate me sitting on a chair at the singing group and he encouraged me to go. Have to see if I can move my wound dressing appointment though as it clashes for the group tomorrow.
If we had a one off clean it would have to come out of our savings, not ideal from a money point of view as I worked really hard when I was pregnant so we'd have some money saved to fall back on if we needed it and that's what it'd have to come out of but just wondering if it's worth it. I really, really want to do it myself but am obviously not.
I might get DH to put the car seat in the car tonight and then go to the NCT mum and baby group in the morning. I need to be more proactive.
Off to feed DD now then my mum is coming to watch her whilst I have wound packed.
Thanks for responding, helps to know someone is listening