So scared and need support

[Gabeesh]

I'm 31, married to my absolute best friend and a few days away from having my first child, a child we didn't think we'd ever have and one we wanted so so much. And we still do. But pregnancy has really screwed me up and now I'm so scared of everything I can barely function.

Apparently Icome across as a strong, confident and feisty lady although like many people I'd say that hid a woman who is vulnerable and has little confidence. AroUnd Christmas, when I was 5-6 months, I had an absolute breakdown. It came out of nowhere and literally floored me - one time I was so distraught I collapsed in the street. Suddenly I couldn't cope with everyday life, no matter how trivial. I became anxious and paranoid, convinced people were spying on me through technology and that people were coming for me. Every single 'bad' thing I'd ever done (nearly all of it very standard or exaggerated 'bad things' like forgetting to post a letter on time 5 years previously) blew up out of all proportion and I was convinced I was going to get in trouble even decades later. I was always a very good girl kept in line by not breaking the rules and doing what I was told. I can't even bring myself to go into more detail in case people here recognise me. I'm just terrified now that something bad is going to happen and I'll get in trouble about something. The stupid thing is that I know the things I'm scared of are really trivial but I don't trust my perceptions or understanding of how the world works anymore. It's like everything I used to know was wrong and now I can't trust anything.

For a few weeks this distress became so bad (I was convinced my husband would leave me or I would lose my job or home) I became very ill and this has affected my health. I have been in hospital for several weeks with insanely high bp but not pre eclampsia (230/180). For a while I was able to distract myself with more important matters like this but now I find that it's coming back. I'm alone in hospital a lot and I'm do scared and feel so alone and desperate. My husband is amazing but this has been killing him and I'm scared, for his sake, of telling him I feel bad again ( he knows all the details). I wish I was gone, I feel like the most useless and incompetent person in the world, I sliced my arms up last time around, and won't do that again, but wish I could do something to make the fear go away.

[fhdl34]

You're not useless and incompetent at all, I'm sure your mind is in overdrive as the birth of your child approaches. I know if I hadn't had my family staying with me to distract me, I'd have been much the same.
I do think you should consider speaking to your husband about how you're feeling or at least your midwife. Did you talk to her before when you had your breakdown?

[justhayley]

Hiya, firstly it's a great start that you recognise ur feelings and anxiety, & also that you have a great husband - you should try & focus on that. I would talk with the midwives and mental health team at your hospital about how your feeling if you don't feel like you can talk to your husband at the moment.

Your not useless your growing a baby - that's the most amazing thing a person can do.

I don't have any practical advice but I hope you get through thus and start feeling ok soon.

Hayley xxx