Just coming to terms with PND and could use some support

[hadrian]

I feel like I need to write about what I'm going through, partly to try and lift the load but also to get some words of support and encouragement.

My DS is 9 weeks old and my first baby. The delivery was quite traumatic - he was in distress and born by emergency C-section in the end. He was a very small baby - just 5lb at birth - so the first couple of weeks at home were quite stressful as we were worried about his weight and on a constant regime of breastfeeding, expressing and topping up.

He's put on weight beautifully but the anxiety has stayed with me and I feel worse as the weeks go by. I have a history of anxiety and have had counselling and anti-depressants in the past so it's perhaps not surprising that I'm suffering again now after the huge shock of having a baby!

Part of my anxiety comes from a massive lack of self-confidence - I feel as though I don't understand my baby, I don't know how to keep him happy and I'm not a natural mother. I spend most of the day wondering what to do with him next and feeling as though I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I'm constantly worrying about what I 'should' be doing and whether I'm getting everything 'wrong' - even though I know rationally that's there no right or wrong in bringing up a baby.

I feel quite distant from DS. I felt a lot of love for him at first but now I'm not sure how I feel about him. I take care of him but I don't feel a special bond between us - sometimes I'm not even sure how much I like him which feels like a terrible thing to admit to.

I don't think DS is a really difficult baby but he's definitely not a placid, contented little soul. He sleeps quite well and can be happy for short periods in his rocker or on his playmat, and when he's in a good mood we can have a chat and a sing and he gets quite smiley. But he grizzles a lot and cries quite easily, and I find it difficult to soothe him - he's rarely happy just being cuddled in my arms. I guess he's a jumpy little thing...just like his Mum...

I get very nervous when we're out and about - if we wakes up when we're in a cafe he will sit in my arms for a minute or two but then he starts to cry and I don't know how to calm him down except to put him back in the sling or pushchair and leave. I do try and get out and about every day but I often end up feeling more stressed. I feel as though he's picked up on and is reacting to my tension and anxiety - which just makes me feel more tense anxious!

I wish I could just relax and enjoy DS but I feel uptight and unhappy most of the time. I didn't know being a Mum would be like this - I thought I'd love it. I'm starting to feel as though I don't know who I am or what my life has become, and I'm worried that things will just get more difficult as he gets older. I get anxious about everything in life that needs to be done on a day-to-day basis that I never seem to have time for. Some days I feel totally overwhelmed by all the challenges ahead, and by the enormity of the responsiblity for the rest of my life.

Tiredness doesn't help. DS generally wakes up 2-3 times a night to feed and sometimes goes straight back to sleep but sometimes needs a lot of soothing. Because I'm so tense all the time I'm having real problems sleeping and find myself lying there wide awake even when DS is sleeping beautifully. Similarly I'm too wired to sleep when he takes a nap during the day.

My DH is wonderful and helps with the baby but there's not much he can do to improve my state of mind. I find it quite difficult to talk about and none of my friends really know how I feel - they can probably see that I'm not totally calm and confident but otherwise on the surface everything probably seems fine.

I've been to see my GP who has referred me to a psychologist but said that there's quite a long waiting time. I've booked myself an appointment with a private counsellor next week but am also wondering whether antidepressants would help. They haven't done much for me in the past but I'm prepared to try anything now.

Thanks for listening...any words of advice or support would be very much appreciated.

[sailorsgal]

Firstly congratulations. You are going through a huge change in your lifestyle and the overwhelming feeling of responsibility can make you feel the way you do. However you are also having hormone changes and the lack of sleep doesn't help at all. You may find that anti depressants will help in the short term so don't rule them out. I think they reccommend you take them for at least 6 months. Remember if you broke your leg you would get it fixed, it is no different for your mind.

Please talk to other mums or friends, don't just brave it out. It is ok to say that you are finding it difficult. Is there a support group near you? Speak to your HV or you could have a homestart volunteer which is available for anyone who has a child under five.

Make time for yourself. I'm a bit new agey but meditation, yoga, mindfulness are all very useful if this is your thing. I've heared EFT is good too. (Emotional Freedom Therapy) Also have a look at Paul Makenna's book "increase your confidence".

If you want to PM please do. Sometimes talking to someone you don't know is easier. Take care.

[sailorsgal]

Also sounds like you have a perfectly normal baby and repeat an affirmation to yourself, " My baby is happy and healthy and I am a good mother".

[IDismyname]

Oh Harian! You sound just like me 13 years ago. That could have been my post. You poor thing. Big, Big Hugs.

Now sailorsgal is right - see if you can get a Homestart volunteer to come and visit you. As a result of my PND, I trained as a volunteer myself, and helped 3 or 4 Mums with PND. Your local branch will have one or two ladies who have been through it themselves, and will be able to help you - or just listen to you.

I was lucky enough to have a great HV, who also knew about the Bach Flower remedies which you should be able to take while breastfeeding. I found them a great help. I was determined not to go onto anti depressants until I'd tried all avenues.

My ds was fine in his pram as long as I was walking... do you have a friend you could walk with? Now that its getting lighter and a bit warmer, just a 20 minute walk, and a chat would help. I used to find getting out of the house at least once a day helped me when ds's crying got to me.

You are a fine Mum; you just have big adjustments to make. I too, fell out of love with dh for about a year. I was so tired when he came home, we'd just argue. Just accept that you may feel like that for a while...

Like sailorsgirl, PM me if you want to chat any more. I have broad shoulders :)

[IDismyname]

Oops!