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Our Antenatal and Postnatal Depression forum is a supportive space where you can share your postnatal depression experiences.

Antenatal/postnatal depression

I think I could be the worst mother in the world

27 replies

DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 23/01/2012 11:50

I don't think I deserve any replies about this, I'm just writing it down to get everything straight in my head.

I had the baby by EMCS on the 3rd of January. This was after spending almost a week in hospital with pre eclampsia, and a failed induction. The baby wasn't breathing when he was born and had to be revived. I couldn't hold him as I lost a lot of blood and had to be patched back together. The first night was horrendous, dumped on the ward unable to feel my legs with a screaming baby that I couldn't placate, having not slept for 26 hours beforehand. DP was sent home as soon as I was put on the ward.

We were sent home two days later, and from that point it's felt like I'm stuck in a very dark hole. Tried to BF but the baby couldn't latch so screamed constantly, when he did latch it was agonising for me. He would stop screaming for 10 minutes then want feeding again so after six days I switched to FF and felt, once again, like a complete failure.

I feel like I'm already rattling with medication. I have to take Labetalol (of which one of the side effects is depression) for six weeks before the doctor will even consider reviewing it, and even if my blood pressure has improved, I'll need to be gradually weaned off it. I also have to take iron, painkillers and injections to prevent blood clots. I don't think I can stand taking any more pills.

Since then it feels like things have got progressively worse. Although he was planned and I adored my pregnancy, I do not love this baby. I don't even like him. Which I don't understand because he's, generally speaking, a good baby. He doesn't cry much, isn't colicky, sleeps between feeds. But I don't want to hold him unless I absolutely have to, I feel worn down and resentful with every bottle and nappy change to the point that I now haven't touched him, have barely looked at him in fact, for nearly 24 hours and have left everything to DP since I walked out of the house at 5.30 last night. I didn't know where I was going, I just knew I needed to be away from the baby.

I'm scared I'm going to hurt him. Yesterday I had to stop myself from ramming his dummy into his mouth when he was crying. He's a fucking three week old baby, how the fuck could any normal person even think about doing that, let alone to their own child?

The only solution I can see is that I leave and find myself alternative accomodation, or move back in with my mam and leave DP and the baby to it. Frankly, it would be better for all of them than having me around. I do not want to look after this baby. Much less on my own all day Monday to Friday whilst DP gets a break from it all at work. Occasionally everything feels okay, sometimes this lasts for a day or two, more often it only lasts a few hours but most commonly it lasts a couple of minutes before I'm crying and shaking again. DP goes back to work tomorrow and honestly I just want to swallow every tablet in the cupboard at the very thought.

OP posts:
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PeelingmyselfofftheCeiling · 23/01/2012 12:01

Bumping this for you. Really hope someone with experience will come by soon.

You are not s terrible mother or a bad person, you have a very common depression caused by hormonal changes and you need help to rebalance, but you know that already!

You will get better, and you will love and enjoy your child.

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PiedWagtail · 23/01/2012 12:06

Please could you ring your GP or HV and tell her this? Or show this to your dh? He may mnot realise how bad things are for you. You have post natal depression, which is very common, and it IS possible to treat it and resolve it. Please get the help you need.
hugs, x

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jellycat · 23/01/2012 12:07

When are you next seeing your doctor? I think you need to see him/her or your health visitor urgently. Tell them how you're feeling and get some support.

Sorry you're feeling so bad. You're not a bad mother. These types of feeling are very common after giving birth, the doctor and HV will have encountered it before and will be able to help you.

HTH

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NightLark · 23/01/2012 12:12

Are you still seeing your MW, or a HV? Please call them and ask for some support. You sound so tired and depressed. There is help, you can feel better with that help. Please call someone. You are not a bad mother, you are a woman who has been through a hell of a lot and needs some help.

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AndiMac · 23/01/2012 12:14

Of course you deserve replies. You aren't a bad mother, you are depressed. Very much NOT the same thing. I've found some phone numbers where you can call and talk to someone who can help you more. ASK FOR HELP, PEOPLE ARE THERE FOR YOU!! Too many women I know were either too proud or stubborn or depressed to get help and suffered alone far longer than they should have.

Association for Postnatal Illness
Helpline: 020 7386 0868. Provides telephone helpline, information leaflets and a network of volunteers who have themselves experienced PND.

Family Action
Tel: 020 7254 6251. Support and practical help for families affected by mental illness. Including 'Newpin' services - offering support to parents of children under-5 whose mental health is affecting their ability to provide safe parenting.

Home Start
Tel: 0800 068 6368. Support and practical help for families with at least one child under-5. Help offered to parents finding it hard yo cope for many reasons. These include PND or other mental illness, isolation, bereavement, illness of parent or child.

Meet-A-Mum-Association (MAMA)
Helpline: 0845 120 3746. Support and information for all mums and mums-to-be who are lonely, isolated or depressed in pregnancy or after having a baby. Local groups and on-line support.

National Childbirth Trust
Helplines: Pregnancy and Birth Line: 0300 330 0772; Breastfeeding: 0300 330 0771; Postnatal: 0300 330 00773. Support and information on all aspects of pregnancy,birth and early parenthood. Local group and telephone helplines.

And also www.mothersformothers.co.uk/ which has information about PND listed and also a helpline number too.

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brookeslay · 23/01/2012 12:19

I understand how you feel I was not expectating my last baby my now 2yr old son to live. So when he was born i was quite shocked, I had weird thoughts and huge family problems at the time.
I was in a vortex of saddness spinning around. I did not admit it to anyone its really horrible feeling but not your fault.

Do you have any family members that could help or a freind to give you some respite. I knw my HV was not that good , but maybe your midwife was kind or someone you met on ante natal course could talk to you.

I felt shouting at my baby I was exhausted which exacabates the situation, dont think you have to try and be a certain way Im sure your babies needs are being met. Stop being so hard on yourself you are under a lot of strain.

You can pm me if you need.

big hug...

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PassMeTheHobnobs · 23/01/2012 12:29

Please, please get in touch with your HV, midwife, or GP and explain this to them as soon as possible. Do it now. You are not a bad mother. It sounds very much like you have postnatal depression.

I could have written a lot of what you wrote when I first came home with my baby. In fact, wanting to shove a dummy in his mouth is mild compared to some of the thoughts I was having. I once had to put him in his cot and get DH up in the night because I felt like throwing him out of the window. I would not have done it, but I really felt like it. See- you're not a bad mother at all!! I left it over 5 months before o properly admitted how I'd been feeling to anyone and have been diagnosed with PTSD and PND.

The sooner you tell someone the sooner you can get help. It will get better.

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Lovemygirls · 23/01/2012 12:39

You are not a bad mother, if you were you wouldn't think to post here, it will get better with support and help. I had pnd and my dd is now 12yrs old Smile

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Casserole · 23/01/2012 12:44

Please print out your OP, and show it to your DP, Mum and HV/GP.

I absolutely PROMISE you there is stuff that can be done to get your feeling better. They, should, can and will review your meds, including the BP one.

You have been through a hard time, and you are struggling with the aftermath. That is not anything to be ashamed of. There is loads of help out there, precisely BECAUSE this is so common. Please take it x

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BlackSwan · 23/01/2012 13:11

You aren't a failure at all but you need help, for your own sake and for your baby's sake. You have been through a traumatic birth, you're sleep deprived, you've had trouble feeding and you're on medication with depressive side effects. How could you possibly deal with all of this and have a rosy outlook.
You are definitely not a failure for FF. I did, and it was the best change I made - BF just wasn't working. But beating yourself up about it is completely misguided. FF is absolutely fine for your baby - just as it was for mine.

Can you see your Dr asap and get some real day to day help to help you deal with this? You really need to take some of the pressure off so you're not feeling like you need to escape the situation completely.

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saralyn · 23/01/2012 22:31

Bumping in case anyone has more advice for the OP.

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ledkr · 23/01/2012 22:44

I felt like you did op and it was my 5th and very much wanted baby,it is sometimes just like that and it will get better in time but in the meantime tell someone how you feel,gp,mw or hv,get a friend to come if you can. It sounds as if you have severe depression and possible ptsd which is all very treatable.
I learnt a long long time ago to share my fears not keep them to myself.
Make it a real priority to speak to someone asap,just do that one thing.

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R2PeePoo · 23/01/2012 22:55

You are not a failure.

When my DD was a baby I struggled to love her. I dreamed about running away, walking out of the door and never coming back. I was tempted to throw her out of the window, I started to have suicidal thoughts, I regretted everyday that I had had her.

I spoke to the health visitor and my Gp. My health visitor set me up with a Homestart volunteer who was someone to talk to. Once I had built up trust I let her take DD out for an hour once or twice a week.

When DD became a 'person' and started smiling and laughing and showing interest in the world around her I began to like her and now she is 6 she is absolutely fabulous. Once she slept through the night that helped too.

Best advice I got was:

To put baby down whenever I could. I thought I had to be holding her all the time, but she liked to kick on the floor more than I expected.

To put baby down somewhere safe when I felt I couldnt cope and go somewhere I couldn't hear her for two or three minutes. Just to recover my cool a little.

That holding a baby in front of your face and blowing gently on their face can startle them out of a full on wail.

That a good sling like a MOby can be a lifesaver. DS slept in his immediately and for hours, allowed me to get to places I couldn't with a pushchair and helped us bond. I found having his skin next to mine and his little sleeping face under mine made me feel much more protective and bonded to him. Wish I had done it for DD

You aren't alone. Seriously. What you are feeling is not wrong. You can think what you like about your child. Just don't act on it and hurt them.

It passes. It does. I promise. This stage can be hideous. But they sleep. They laugh. They tell you they love you. They kiss you and hold your hand. Everyone coos over babies but I hate the newborn stage, lots of people do, but its taboo to say that.

If you want to I would be happy for you to PM me. I won't judge. I've been there too, only I'm out the other side.

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lifeistooshort · 23/01/2012 23:07

OP please please please as the other posters say do not beat yourself about being a bad mother. There is a proven link between traumatic birth and PND and to be honest having a baby is a shock enough without the surrounding ordeal of having pre-eclampsia and a blue baby.

I felt like you with my DC3 although not straightaway. To start with all was fine but then within six weeks I started developping that awful obsession that I was going to hurt him or chuck him out of the window. I developped a complete phobia of that window. It got so much and I was so worried that one night I had to go and sleep in baby's room (as baby was sleeping in our room). I went to the doctor the next day and was prescribed antidepressants and things went onwards after that. And I love him so so much I just cannot believe how things were. I still don't really know what triggered it, hormone, tiredness or something else. But as the others say, it is treatable and remember it is not you, it is an illness.

If there is an out of hours GP I would go straightaway, just telling the doctor and taking the tablets may make you feel better as you may feel that you are regaining some control.

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PassMeTheHobnobs · 24/01/2012 09:06

How are you feeling OP? Have you managed to talk to your GP / HV / midwife? I hope you are starting to get some help

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gardenplants · 24/01/2012 09:16

You are not the worst mother in the world. You have suffered a major trauma and have health issues to get through on top and that means that you are having a really hard time, it doesn't mean you are a bad mother.

Your baby was only born this month, even if everything had gone easily you would likely still feel very shaken up, tired, bleeding and hormonal. Even without the additional things you have gone through.

You can and will get though this and your son will love you and you will love him. You need to ask for some practical help so that you can get yourself better and get through this difficult time.

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LadyWidmerpool · 24/01/2012 10:26

You are not a bad mother. We all need help sometimes and you need it now. Babies are annoying! There, I've said it. But you need and deserve help to get you to a place where you can start to bond with and enjoy your baby. Keep posting, we are here for you.

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MerryHippo · 24/01/2012 10:35

You are not a failure. Many, many women before you have fet this way. You need lots of TLC, support from family/friends and you MUST go back to your doctor and explain how you are feeling!

You very likely have postnatal depression, and it is no surprise after a traumatic birth experience and sleep deprivation.

If it helps at all to know this, I had a very similar experience to you with my first child - Failed induction, c-section, no support or help on the postnatal ward, a very demanding, cry-ey baby, struggled with breastfeeding and awful mastitis and switched to ff early on. I was very, very low for months, I resented my baby, my relationship with DH was in tatters and I hated my life and yself.

Anti-depressants eased things for a while, and counselling helped a bit - do investigate these options - but ultimately, time was a great healer. I got my physical nd metal strength back as my baby started to sleep better and we got into a bit of a routine.

There is light at the end of the tunnela dn I PROMISE you will not feel like this forever. Its a blip, thats all.

Now, make an appointment ith yur doctor TODAY, take your DP or other supportive oerson with you and be frank. You need help and you should not be ashamed of that.

Wishi yu lts of luck x

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LittlePoot · 24/01/2012 22:41

Oh sweetie. I just want to reiterate the very good advice so far-tell your doctor, hv, husband and midwife exactly what you've told us and you are not in the slightest bit a bad mother.

I was so similar to you after the birth of my son. 3 days of contractions (or rather, 3 nights), failed induction, c section then no feelings whatsoever for the baby except take him away and let me get some sleep. I thought it would just go away but my anxiety and mood kept deteriorating until by 5 weeks I had complete insomnia, couldn't handle the baby at all, didn't have any maternal feelings towards him, had "failed" at breast feeding and wanted to throw myself under a truck. The Dr gave me pills but all I did with those was look up how many you'd have to take to overdose so I was taken back to the Dr and referred to the community psychiatric nurses. Who basically saved me. I'm afraid it might involve more (but different) drugs and a few more weeks that don't feel very good but I promise you you will get through all of this and be absolutely fine. PND is very real and very treatable - more so than regular depression (the treatable-ness I mean).

By 11 weeks, I had a bit of a breakthrough and started to almost like him. By 15 weeks I pretty much thought he was the best thing in the world. And now, he's just about to turn 1, I'm off all my drugs, sleeping normally and according to my friends, the calmest mother around.

Please pm me if I can be of any help. The best pieces of advice/wisdom I was given were 1) PND is treatable and everyone treated will get better. even me. even you-you're not that special! 2) suicide is a very permanent solution to a very temporary problem and 3) parenting is a marathon not a sprint. Let other people take up the slack now while you get yourself back together and you have many many years to prove what a great mother you are. xxxxx

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DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 25/01/2012 13:42

Just thought I would post an update.

The day before yesterday DP made me an appointment with the GP and my mam took me and came into the office with me. The GP was lovely and referred me to the Crisis Team who came out and assessed me yesterday. I've now been prescribed sleeping tablets (to take as and when I feel necessary), anti anxiety medication to tide me over until the anti depressants kick in.

My mam has also offered DP and I to go and stay there for as long as we need/want and she and my stepdad will take the baby overnight so DP and I can catch up on sleep.

All I can do now is hope that the medication takes the edge off things until things improve. Thank you so much for all of your kind words and advice.

OP posts:
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AndiMac · 25/01/2012 20:24

Glad to hear back from you DesperatelySeekingPomBears. Things will get better, stick with it.

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BlackSwan · 25/01/2012 20:33

Very kind of you to update us, that's great news. You will be fine in no time & you will look back at the fog you were in & be relieved you sorted it out. Hope you get lots of rest!

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MorrisZapp · 25/01/2012 20:39

Oh what a relief you have been for help. I went through hell when my ds was a newborn, I loathed every minute and couldn't even look at him at times.

Once my meds kicked in I just gradually lifted up out of the fog.

My great auntie lizzie had all four of her kids taken away from her for the first few months of their lives. Pnd has always been with us, thank goodness they have such great drugs now.

If the drugs (assuming ssri type) initially make you feel worse, hang in there if you can. It'll be so worth it when you start to feel better, which will be really soon.

Good luck and take care xx

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LittlePoot · 25/01/2012 21:15

Fantastic. Well done. Things will definitely get better so cling on to that thought. Find ways to make time pass - time is all you need now before you feel yourself again. Read magazines, watch movies, do puzzles-anything to stop the seconds going by so slowly. I found it really helpful to write to-do lists every day-although those first few days the list was pretty much:have a shower, get dressed, take baby for a walk in the pram. But don't be thrown by ups and downs in the next few days/couple of weeks. You'll have good bits and bad bits but the anxiety spikes will always pass. Distraction can be key. Well done-you're getting there already.

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ledkr · 25/01/2012 23:40

That sounds like a really good plan op,thank God for your parents.You will feel great after some sleep.
What a positive reaction from your gp,its nice to hear that someone wasnt fobbed off. Good luck.

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